Dec 04

outcast-male

The following list is a number of things that the average person does, or tends to do, or strives to do to fit into the world of normalcy. When people defy the odds by choosing not to abide by this list and live by a list of their own it is not uncommon for their friends and family to assume that they’re crazy. At the same time the people who strive to be different aren’t very friendly to those who play it normal either. Can weirdos and normals ever get along!?

Take a look at the following list and see how close you are to either being a good, normal citizen, or a rebel without a cause. Once you have decided which side of the fence you fall on, think about how you feel about the other side. The list will probably offend you because there is not really a clear yes or no to any of it. Many of us are more normal than we’d like to admit, but lets get to it and you can be your own judge.

jillian-michaels1. You assume you’re different and unique but you are merely a social stereotype. Yup, your nerdiness does not make you stand out pretty blonde girl I am sorry. Maybe in the 80’s it would have worked but in this age of Lady Gaga and Nicki Minaj, funky has become the new normal.

2. You are religious. Not saying that you are a die-hard, bible thumping believer, but a normal person would rather have that ticket to cash in when afterlife comes ‘a knockin right? If you’re gonna err, err with God on your side. Then again, maybe you were raised a believer so here you are… a believer… or you were a porn star, or an addict, so now you’ve gone full on Paladin. Point being, you have your own individual reason, but at the end of the day you’re religious and religion is normal.

3. You live check by check or very close to it. While this may be a product of an underpaying job not meeting life’s heavy toll, you probably spend way beyond your threshold and you know it. Then again savers are “crumbs” and we can’t take money to the grave when we die right? Sounds normal to me.

4. You’re married or trying very hard to be. Yes ladies even normal guys are guilty of this. Sure there is no biological clock pushing for them to keep up with their girlfriends by scoring a ring and a wedding, but they don’t want to be the last single friend of their fellowship either. Don’t you know that old people accuse 30+ single men of being gay, pedophiles, and sinners! It’s the looks that count after all, and normal people are about that life!

5. You have children or plan to have. See number 4. The only thing I will add to this is that choosing to not have children is synonymous to saying that you want to run around jabbing people with an AIDS needle based on the way people act when they hear it. Normal people want kids because… because… because NATURE goddamnit!

6. You have money and no children or you are broke and have a lot of kids. One of life’s wonderful paradoxes, but it is expected so it’s normal. 

7. You discuss big dreams but never truly intend on accomplishing them. That’s right; the complaint culture is in full effect in this millennium. If you aren’t complaining about your position in life then you are not normal!

8. You easily surf the hype wave without research. It sounds mean but come on; you know you’re guilty of it. Someone posts an Onion article about Obama having a sit down with Mikhail Gorbachev to see if he can fix that healthcare website and you repost it without even blinking an eye. Not only that but it makes you mad and you go in to work the next day talking about it. It’s normal to react.

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9. You worship celebrities. You know what Kim Kardashian’s personality is like even though you will never meet her, and you hate John Travolta and his damn alien religion. You may not like celebrities but admittedly they are a large part of your everyday life. Don’t be ashamed, if you aren’t in front of the camera you’re bound to be a mark. It’s normal.

10. You are disgusted by (insert race, gender, or sexual orientation people) but swear otherwise in public. Your family and kids may know the truth, but appearances are everything! How many of you talk that noise in private but wear the mask at work—so you won’t be fired? Yup, you’re normal.

BONUS. You lust for somewhat abnormal sex. Fifty Shades of Gray is the hottest book going for a reason… Any of you into T-Rex sex? Nobody? Okay never mind then… There’s a reason why “blacks on blondes” porn sells like hotcakes in the Midwest and “straight” men crave anal sex from their women. It just might be normal! Would you be willing to admit that you want some feet inside your mouth? Chances are that you are as normal as normal can be – but don’t go admitting to it. That’s what the weirdos do.

What do you think about this list, and where do you fall? If you didn’t have a crazy, unmarried uncle with a foot fetish and a million businesses whatever would you talk about at the dinner table? 

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  • Mary Striby

    I’m interested in just what the context is here. Is it to tell the normies to stop thinking they’re special? I really have to question the sanity of anyone who walks around worried about whether they are unique enough. In my experience, owning and not hiding your quirks is what sets you apart. But it won’t always win you friends.

    • There is no great teaching point to this article but it’s purpose was to lay out a number of things that I see daily as being what “normal” is about. You allude to a point that I wanted to touch on also where people who try to be unique can ultimately realize that for all their attempts they are doing the same thing that many others are doing, so it’s still normal. I would also say that if things don’t sit well with friends that are a part of you, those really aren’t the best friends to have in the first place.

  • McThick

    It’s normal to want to be normal… Following the group is the easy thing to do, it takes less effort, intelligence, confidence…pretty much less of everything that most people would identify as ‘good’ qualities. Similarly, being deliberately unique is just a different kind of mask.

  • Thanatos

    From the title, I was really hoping this article was on the types of things we all think that are individual to us or make us abnormal, but that various studies suggest are super common (e.g. successful, confident people feeling fraudulent, and other private thoughts that are surprisingly universal).

    I really enjoy your writing style, and would really love to see more sources and studies cited (/linked) to back up your opinion pieces.

    • Thanks for your comment, I will be sure to keep that in mind for future pieces and cite sources to back up some of my more unpopular claims.