So if you’re like me and you have had enough of Johnny Media and this Tiger Woods circus, you have probably started making jokes or contributing jokes at the cablinasian’s expense. Well one of the discussions among “the boys” about Tiger’s fall from alleged grace is not so much why’d he cheat but where did he go wrong in getting caught. To most men, and some women it seems that Tiger’s hustle was wrong, he teed up for a Player’s game but bogeyed every hole (no pun intended) by literally screwing the help.

So in my quest to figure out what he could have done differently, I consulted a Wiseguy. After all wasn’t it Goodfellas that explained the necessity of a goomah to take out on fridays? Who better to ask than a practitioner and relative master of the art, of course all names will be withheld here but I wanted to know. How do you go about selecting a mistress, or mistresses like our boy T-Dub Woods? Why is it that some athletes can run through thousands without mishap and exposure, while others fail at a handful? The question led to a list, a list that you must study and treasure in your infidelity because it will save you losing your better half by the knife of a jealous wife.

Let me preface this by asking that you do not shoot the messenger. I firmly believe that if someone has set their mind to dabbling with OPP then they are going to do it. My goal is to help keep you and yours safe in your endeavors by sharing good information, instead of having you losing your mind and scooping up Perkins waitresses and unknown porn stars. Let’s get started.

So you are in the market for a mistress. One thing to understand is that the most dangerous and vindictive of mistresses are the innocent girls who believe you to be single and only with them. Second deadliest is marriage hopeful girlfriend who believes you when you tell her that you are in the works at leaving your wife. The ideal mistress knows what she is, will be content as that and has no ambition in terms of furthering things along with you. This may come at a price, some guys pay the rent, some guys put her kids through school and others are just lucky they caught her at the right time in life. So what are some of the tell-tale signs to copping a proper jump-off?

• She must never have an opportunity to run into your wife. If your wife is a ritzy socialite, find you an emo bookworm – you know what I mean? Keep the chances of an encounter near nil, hell the smartest guys grab an out-of-towner.
• She’s an absolute head-turning knockout. Never go for less than you already have, what would be the point. You end up feeling and looking stupid if it all goes south and when your wife offs you and they show your mugshots, all the boys will wonder about your sanity.
• She has low self-esteem or self-confidence. This is a no-brainer, you don’t need a conniving brainiac to manipulate you by “digging too deep”. She needs to feel absolutely lucky that she has you even for a few hours.
• She’s not a connected girl, and her family is relatively small. Last thing you need is to have a mistress whose 5 brothers finds out the nature of your relationship. Yikes, that can be harsher than the wife finding out.
• She doesn’t ask a lot of questions. This is one of the most important rules of “the mistress”, a need-to-know only relationship.

Lastly, if you have a conscience and know that it will eat you alive for your transgressions, then you need to be a loyal and loving husband. Leave the playing to the Players and don’t turn into an apologetic “I am addicted to sex” liar like Mr. Benet. If you’re going to play the field, you should already have stripes in it, you should know the game 2 steps ahead of where you are today and you should not be slipping if you are the multi-million dollar golden boy of a sport that’s meant for old white men. If you lose your mind, get drunk, slip and fall dick first into some random waitress strange – then you need to hire some goons to get some dirt on her real fast. Let her know that if one word leaks from her filthy mouth, the tabloids will know about her pedophile brother. You get the drift, pimpin’ ain’t easy, so just because you have more money than god it doesn’t mean that you are invincible when you play around on your significant other. Stick to the rules, pick the right girl and make sure you have a backup plan.

Happy hunting!

Written by Greg Dragon on Tuesday, December 15, 2009 

Filed under Married Life, Relationships, The Code of Man, The Dating Game
Tagged with athletes, girlfriend, hunting, infidelity, media, tiger woods