Dec 18
I seem to come across articles daily bemoaning the plight of the single black female, no not women of color but black women specifically. I will say this to you black women, you aren’t the only ones that are sick and tired of reading these statistics and blog fodder so don’t feel like it’s the world against you. One of the reason these articles are so hot for journalists is because it inspires immediate emotion and bitterness from the accused. Hell go to any blog about the subject and hear the echoes of how sh-tty us black men are and how you all need to start looking elsewhere. Well the dragon is here to help you move on and break the stereotype. Unlike other blogs who wish to highlight the problem and air out your dirty laundry, we offer you suggestions and solutions, from the viewpoint of a black male.
One thing that I keep on hearing from black women when I get cornered in a give-and-go about why we aren’t sh-t is either “I am done with black men” or “as soon as y’all get successful you go find a Becky”. We laugh these things off but you don’t realize 2 important things. One, you immediately appear unattractive, lacking of hope and ridiculous to us, as soon as we hear those magical words we lose all empathy to your plight. Two, we take offense immediately to it because more times than none, the man you are saying this to is not guilty of these things but feels the generalization as an attack. That being said, how does spewing this rhetoric help your situation out at all? What answer would you want from saying these things? Exactly, it is a stupid thing to say and if you are guilty of uttering either phrase you may want to quit.
Broaden your Dating Horizons
In the dating pool you really need to stop being defensive and look at it objectively. If a guy doesn’t find you attractive, or wants you only to help him get to a point in his career, then why would you want him? If all the “hell ya girl” crooners or fellow friends echoing the black men ain’t sh-t angle are all similarly single and upset about being single then you need to see it for what it is. You are trying to find an excuse for your position through negativity, rather than working on it. If you are so upset at being single that you verbalize it to friends and blogs then why aren’t you working on it? Have you tried online dating? Do you take the time to try new things so that you can meet new people? Probably not, let’s be honest here, pushing in the same dives and digs, the same circles and the same pattern should rarely if ever produce different results. Half of you women lean on “the hook-up” as a way to get dated, if you are a regular here, you know how I feel about hook-ups. They are not an ideal form of meeting a guy, unless you think that you’re the ultimate catch.
A State of Entitlement is a State of Loneliness
When a person, man or woman has a huge unrealistic list of “must-haves” for a potential mate then they ought not be surprised that they stay single. You do not deserve a man with money, you do not deserve a man with higher education, you do not deserve him “treating you like a queen” and you do not deserve him “being cool, and knowing how to dress”. Step back and look at your pre-requisites a bit, tons of GOOD GUYS do not have all of these qualities compiled together, hell you should be happy to have at least two. Perfect guys are few and far between and I would have to see your portfolio, both physical and asset-wise in order to see if you even DESERVE a guy with all of these elements. We have standards too, give us the benefit of the doubt.
I have known friends who wanted a Nia Long, she gotta be fine, smart, blah, blah, blah and they were always alone. Now bear with me because I am about to sound like an ass in saying this but it is common knowledge that this type of behavior comes from inexperience and a good chance that he has never been intimate (that way) with a woman. Guys who carry on like this usually do a 180 when they have finally found their way to some booty one way or another. All of a sudden they are dating all the time, the girls may look a little like Nia Long but only their haircut. For outsiders it’s normally an indication that dude finally got laid – ask any man about this situation and they will tell you the same. Unrealistic expectations only come when you have little to no experience with your intended mate.
So that being said, a lot of the women with all of these “must-haves” have never, ever had a guy who has it going on like that. If they did they would probably not be ideal for him because they may not be as sophisticated as they think, and just because you want something doesn’t mean that you can handle it. Can you handle an intelligent guy and the quirky humor he may have that comes with it (the two travel hand in hand). Can you handle a workaholic, focused and driven man – the price of that success you so desperately mandate? Can you deal with him being a slave to his Blackberry, working late hours, (gasp) choosing to work over hanging with you and your girls next Saturday? Can you handle a cool guy who comes off as a flirt due to his social prowess? Think deeply on it and get back to me, realistically, a guy who has it all is classified as “too perfect” or “too much”. I have heard that complaint from women also. And you wonder why we run the other way when you start rifling off your “must-have” list to us.
Break your Patterns
Here is a general and I reiterate GENERAL observance on black women that I have in my life or have had in my life, in terms of patterns. Open-mindedness is a serious obstacle in the dating pool, it is a wonder that the black women I have had meaningful relationships with have been of the quirky, unique, artistic set. The standard girl will not be willing to:
- try exotic foods
- travel in an airplane to different places
- sing karaoke
- kiss in public
- post up at a Bar
- etc., etc.
Open your mind a bit, get out of the “typical” and you will appear exciting and fresh to any man, yes ANY man. You know what I find tired and boring? If I can read you a mile away and when you get close the assumptions are all true, that is boring, it isn’t sexy and it works against you.
Criticisms should not always be met by a counter-criticism
I swear every discussion or argument on the SBF topic always gets derailed back to what is wrong with black men. We have our share of issues, trust me we do in a MAJOR way, but if we are discussing you, why not offer enlightenment versus volleying back the negativity? Those kind of arguments will lead the intelligent portion of the accused to clam up and get quiet, rather than offering help. What happens next is a bunch of loud, yelling people who lack the aptitude to even listen, screaming down each other and nothing is taken away from it all.
Nobody likes a Hater
I’ve dated women who had to say negative things about other couples (especially if they are interracial), negative things about other women, whether they look better or worse and negative things about celebrities. The negativity may seem harmless to you or even your cute way of picking at folks, but to a lot of us you are a negative person. I am sure a lot of the fellas can relate, if you are a woman that does this, please slow it down a tad when expressing it to your date. While positive Polly may seem like the type of girl to bore us, more times than none we would select her over your hating ass.
In terms of Racial Preference few of us have a Type
Don’t let Tiger fool you (sorry Tiger, I need the SEO hit bro you understand) – many of us just love women. Women period, background be damned, the majority of black men are not out to champion the race through breeding pure black babies. That is just a fact , a lot of us just want to have someone who has our back and is cute to look at. While media stereotypes, loser friends and impressionable choices may play a hand in our choice, chances are if we dig you, we dig you and the race portion only matters to a few select guys who dwell on that.
So there you have it, being defensive is a reaction, it isn’t a call to attention or a path to a solution. Good BM are everywhere and as single as you are but they aren’t in those typical digs that you frequent in search of them. Some are in the karaoke bar, the sushi bar or the Bar period. Others are on the red-eye to their job in another state, you’re just going to have to step out of your comfort zone so that we can see you.
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on December 18, 2009 - 4:45 pm
This is a great post, I have this conversation all the time with many of my female friends and they make the same kind of comments outlined here. I think we have taken the “don’t settle” phrase a bit too far because now its like they are hell bent against any guy for any small flaw. I too often see women bring up the height issue, and Dragon you experienced what I was talking about first hand men cant control their height it’s not a choice. Why hold that against someone when they have not control over it?
on January 24, 2010 - 1:15 pm
your words hit home. my bf moved out a year ago after three yrs of fighting out of a six year relationship. the beginning was tough on me, i was younger and he was unemployed. but i made the sacrifices and he helped when he could. i didn;t nag about it but would vent my frustration from time to time, especially if he did some inconsiderate shit. when i had my first and his fifth child (yeah…) i grew more desperate and upset. i was 22 at the time and unsure what kind of life i could provide for myself and my child and my new family. money from him came slowly and infrequently by then, until he got a regular job and was able to at least take care of his own expenses and help with stuff around the house. i helped him develop skills that he had an interst in and we, well he, was able to turn that into a job which is going very well for him. But it’s like for every step forward i felt like the fighting took us two steps backward. i’lladmit i can nag like a mofo, and my cynicism can cut deep. Plus i would br hurtful in referring to ex gf’s, his mother, his childhood or whatever little detail of his past was most suited to my verbal assault. I’m not proud of it, but I’m VERY defensive. But at the same time i come from a home where my parents fought regularly and my mother never left so i guess i grew up beliveing in the “greater good” so to speak. Tough it out and hope for change…but i did very little at that point to cause change. By then the bitterness had overwhelmed me, it was dripping off of every word, failed attempts at going out on a date together or even snuggling up to watch a movie. so in retrospect while he did his best to improve on his ability to contribute, by then i had felt so deprived and also scared that things would never really get better that i managed to just well, messed things up. I wished that i had been more positive about his successes rather than be worried that now he’ll be in the company of “better women” and in turn spew more bitterness. i wish i was more understanding of how challenging it was for him to be the man his wanted and needed to be without having positive male role models around. I wish I let things go. I wish i belived him when he said he loved me. I wish that I tried harder to be better and not just assume that i’m as good as its gonna get. I wish i let him take the lead and trust his judement, knowing that he would never purposefully disrespect or misdirect me. i wish i told him this before he moved out. I wish I didn’t miss him so much, cause that my nigga for real.
on January 24, 2010 - 11:52 pm
island! sometimes its a good thing to have a complete stranger call u out on your own thoughts.. sounds to me like u may have to swallow that BW pride if u think that dude is what will make u happy. if he loves u, then admitting your flaws and telling him how u feel about the way u acted will do the relationship a world of good. especially if there is a child involved.
on February 9, 2010 - 11:01 am
Your writing and attitude and sentiments are refreshing. I’m one who still refuses to settle, though.. ‘Cause it’s suffocating and boring as hell. I insist on well groomed with no unnecessary vices – for starters! And I’m plenty frustrated with being ogled and drooled over by the brothers who obviously prefer arm candy or is that eye candy? And I’m tired of being misunderstood because I’m not in pursuit of a “Proverbs 31″ certificate! Or I know what the definition of metaphysics is. It would be reeeeal nice to meet someone.. any one who in the first conversation or two will even give the impression that he’s interested in exotic foods besides sushi, traveling to different places besides the Black Ski Summit, Jamaica & the Bahamas via a cruise ship.. And enjoying karaoke, darts, therapeutic massage and not just tantric and acrobatic & sloppy oral/sexual encounters.. And maybe we could get around to.. kissing in public and chillin’ at a bar, etc., etc.
I’m not mad at anybody, I’m just sayin.. There are some Black women who have broadened their horizons, have no sense of entitlement, are self aware and have no unnecessary patterns to break, are not critical of black men, but adore and crave you, who speak peace and kindness, and who do admit to feeling a sense of hurt when we see Black men with white women and their little light brown-almost pink babies, but we still know how to handle ourselves and emotions about that.. gracefully and graciously… But we still can’t spy and get to hang out with a good BM (with no UNNECESSARY vices)! So…. Where ya’ll at??
on February 9, 2010 - 5:37 pm
Hi Mom in Apt 10b (love your blog btw) I grew up with a beautiful single mother, so I saw my fair share of sorry-ass men. Actually out of the number that came in and out of our lives I recall one outstanding guy, he was exciting, had her dancing on air but he had a drug habit.
The point you make on vices is not a light one, and for all the good points that we have, many men do fall back on vices and it is a wicked thing. Alcohol, drugs, sex, video games, you name it there is always something. That being said you are in pursuit of a truly “different” individual, it leads back to what I said about our typical dives and digs. THAT guy that will win you over for all you are worth, is probably in the least likely place looking for someone like you. Good guys are normally driven, the passion is their vice so they will hang out at places that aren’t exactly leisurely to an outsider, but to them it’s heaven. Many good guys are home bodies when they aren’t actively travelling and Jet Setting. Many cultured guys do their first loves solo, so it would be up to you to keep your eye open for him when you cross paths in an activity that isn’t the Black Ski Summit.
So if you are running into too many losers with vices, and your wish is for a man of culture and exploration, you will need to do your research on where a man like this frequents. Many times he isn’t in your neighborhood, city or stomping grounds. Just remember that we are in the information age and an accomplished single man will be able to get to you without much hassle.
Last but not least, we did not get that “minority” tag on accident, I know I am preaching to the choir when I say that for outside of a select few cities black people are a rarity. If I had tried to find my current girlfriend in my town I would have been better off trying to find the holy grail. It is that bad, and many of us forget that it is that bad. So exploring other venues even outside of your local area in order to find Mr. Right is almost a necessity.
on April 19, 2011 - 1:21 am
Island,
I was really proud reading your comment. Swallowing the ego to admit flaws is not an easy feat; many women (especially Black) seem unable to do it. You have already taken the first step in the right direction. You really renewed my spark of hope for us black women.
::hugs::
on August 17, 2011 - 3:22 am
As my screen name says, I’m on the fence about this article. Only because of the part about ” a lot of us just want to have someone who has our back and is cute to look at”. Are you saying that you want some obedient little trophy around who will defend you whether you’re right or wrong? That’s how I see “having your back”. I notice articles like this never mention what men should do for women. It’s usually telling women to lower their standards while not having men step up and better themselves.
Now, I could very well be mistaken in my thinking on this article, but that is just how some parts came across to me. But please, correct me if I’m wrong.
on August 17, 2011 - 11:26 am
Thanks for reading the entire article and calling me to task – let me explain my statement in “a lot of us just want to have someone who has our back and is cute to look at”. It goes back to the loyalty and trust that many of us seek in a relationship. No man is comfortable when his own lady is questioning him constantly and appearing shady all the same. Getting my back is to defend me when I am being attacked, holding my goods when I need to grab more and just being a shoulder I can cry on in the privacy of our home.
Many women seem to come at men extremely hostile even when said man is her boyfriend/husband. We want women who have our back, just like we go to war for them we want them to go to war for us. The cute part is self explanatory, but I am not advocating a Betsy Draper doormat type of woman. The logo at the bottom of the site says it all, we want Gun Molls not Suzie Homemaker. I hope that clarifies things.