Feb 01
Worthless Love – Dating a Married Man
by Senior Editor Nia Syrah
The cycle of the love affair with a married man almost always ends in broken hearts, hurt, and wasted time. Sure you have those once in a million times where the man actually leaves his wife for another, but for the most part, it is a script for adultery disaster. The love affair with the married man starts with a man who married for the wrong reasons and thus never truly felt fulfilled in his commitment to the wife. They probably have kids together and that is the only bond they share. The ideal woman for this guy is the girl who has been hurt many times by single men and is in the stage where she just wants someone to love her. After they meet and exchange conversation, he realizes what he has been missing at home and decides to pursue his happiness with her on the side.
He wants to fill a void. However, filling the void may backfire on him, as the relationship may escalate from occasional lunches during work hours or early dinners disguised as “working late”, to the more intimate texting and instant messages all night long. This is hook line and sinker for the woman, as she automatically thinks, “oh, he wants to talk to me so badly that he’s risking getting caught!”, and perceives this as being put first (the one thing that women want to feel in a relationship). By this time, she is more than likely already aware of the fact that he is unhappy in his marriage and the more time she spends with him she makes sure to plea her case as to why he should be with her instead. The man more than likely plays into this often times telling her things such as “I wish I could have met you years ago”. This makes her feel as if the only thing keeping them apart is the ring on his finger. Unfortunately, even if she is not ready to admit it, her subconscious desire is for him to make the dream come true, and leave his wife.
Do not sleep with the married man. The worst thing to do is sleep with the married man as once the adultery is official, the dynamic of the relationship drastically changes. The woman goes through self-esteem issues and starts to wonder why she is settling for less than what she deserves. If the man is not a total ass, he will feel the guilt every time he looks in his wife’s eyes, and he will try to ease the guilt by taking her out on a date, or suggesting a family vacation, etc. This in turn will make the other woman feel even more humiliated as she thought he didn’t like his wife like that. If she expresses it, he already has his reasoning – 1) she knew he was married, and 2) he never said he was leaving his wife.
Married men do not leave their wives!! Sure there are a few people who actually leave their wives when they have met their “soul mate”. But for the most part, he is not leaving. Although he gets to the point where he is saying he loves the side chick, he is usually more in love with his kids. In a loveless marriage with small children, the kids become more of a silver lining and the focus of all the reasons to deal with the unhappiness of no sex and conversation that only revolves around household duties (“did you pay the light bill?”, “Johnny has band practice tomorrow, can you pick him up?”, etc.). Often the fear of what others will think will not let him do it, as the man does not want to become the “bad guy” in their eyes as the daddy who left in their early years.
The relationship has a glass ceiling. Nobody wants to be in a relationship that doesn’t grow. Building a life with someone with constant progression and growth is necessary for a healthy relationship. Just because he says he loves her does not mean that he will do what it takes to prove it to her. The other woman can’t call him or see him when she wants to. Eventually those sneaky late night phone calls end abruptly with “I gotta go!” and a click, leaving the other woman wondering all night if his cover was blown or not, and whether or not she will hear from him after that. She will get to the point where she must make a decision whether she would be able to deal with never being first in the man’s life, and the thought of it never progressing.
A relationship will never flourish if built from the ground up on sneaking around, mistrust, and false hope. The other woman must think about herself and whether or not she will truly be happy with settling for being on the side. More than likely, she will not. However, whether she settles for what he is giving her or not, nothing will fix the fact that he is not happy in his marriage and he will step out on his wife regardless. Finding someone to fill the void is much deeper than any feelings he has for the side chick. This a cowardly way to handle the situation and nothing short of him growing a set of balls and leaving is going to change that fact. He made the bed. For Pete’s sake, let his ass lay in it.
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on February 1, 2010 - 12:00 pm
Solid advice but if the married man knows what he is doing, this stuff will of course fall on deaf ears. Women go deaf, dumb and blind over the “what ifs” of a man they find attractive, married or not. So when the man strikes and she is smitten, judgement goes out the door and the panties drop down to the ankles. The boys know this.
While it’s not fair to the children I always wondered why the dude is the last person to get checked whenever he runs up into some strange. The wife always calls the jump-off to bitch her out, or shows up at her job to fight then stays with the dude after minimal fall out. Hell some lucky bastards have the wife who will weather the storm just to avoid leaving the stable income, the periodic sex with spooning and the fear of the kid having a single parent or worse yet daddy issues. That’s the thing about the game, you can give the players the rulebook but they won’t read it. Great article btw.
on February 8, 2010 - 11:44 pm
i agree that women fall for the potential of a guy and not for what things really are. however, if the married man sets out to obtain a jump-off…well, he’s not quite the catch now is he? i can understand the married man who truly wants his cake and eat it too, but what i’m talking about is that scrotumless man who straddles the fence of staying or going. he’s not trying to have someone on the side and doesn’t necessarily agree with his own actions. he truly has feelings for the side chick, but his feelings will never trump what he has going on at home.
on November 7, 2010 - 10:37 pm
Why date with a married man, if you can date with a very available (single) man? How we know if the guy we are dating is married? Is he Married?
A very simple questions but very hard to answer. This are the questions always come out of my mind every time i date a guy. ALL of us deserve to be loved and to card for by the right person who will always their in our side especially in time we need them most. We deserve a Full time and attention from them not a spare time that they can give us. We deserve a not to feel bad of our self or guilty of what had happen. We deserve a full trust and a very happy life not a life full of anxiety.
on November 9, 2010 - 6:46 pm
Hear, hear elizabeth. As a single guy it feels like a kick in the teeth when you put effort into pursuing a beautiful, lovely woman that you assume is available, only to hear that she’s taken – by a married man. Many of us have been there and the attraction turns to scorn when you learn that she’s merely some dude’s mistress. Really it’s a lose, lose for a woman to be in that situation. I like your website link, it’s a pretty cool service to catch cheaters who aren’t smooth enough to drop aliases lol.
on November 10, 2010 - 11:19 pm
Hi! Greg,
Thanks for liking my site.
I understand you! I can say to avoid being hurt again for the second time. The women should be wife in their choices. YES! it’s not fair to be with a women who has an affair already with a married man, but if the man is truly love that women, he can accept that women of who she was and her situation. The women should be honest also with that man on his pass.
on November 9, 2010 - 11:45 pm
i think it’s also important to remember the other in the marriage as well, not just the jump off…. she/he deserves more than just part of the adulterer’s time too.. it’s really sad when there are kids involved and they are the excuse for staying… when those kids are grown and out of the house, it’s just not fair to then call it quits, as if the obligation is over, leaving that “significant” other to go back to dating after their good years have passed..
on December 22, 2010 - 5:41 am
I’m gonna comment on this as I came across this in a bit of research I’m doing Myself. I’m beginning to be involved with a married man, NO I didn’t know he was married at 1st in fact 3wks went by before I guessed it, I’m in a position now where I’m new to the state, NOT meeting viable men and when we began talking and as things moved along I’m NOT crushed by this HOWEVER on the other hand he will probably be as I’ve got things to do, people to meet, places to go and Successes to have sooo NOT payin attention busy doin My thang i don’t have time for NOTHING but what I DESIRE, now this should be a wake-up call for ALOTof people as MANY women these days don’t give no F_ _K about the married thang as men been runnin this game for years so DON’T hate bcause I’m cocky, charming and daring more than enough NOT to be engulfed in his drama as it’s ALL about ME not him, he gone give me MONEY, SEX when I want how I want and GIFTS thats what he’s here for (when I want to be bothered with him) lol DEFINITLY done flipped the script (oh PLEASE don’t give me all that you should be ashamed of yourself crap as I’m NOT, WON’T be and have a life and things to do (as i mentioned before men have been coldblooded and such for years about time a TRUE PRiNCESS with swagger moved past it and is now runnin My OWN way of doin things) peace
on December 22, 2010 - 2:14 pm
Princess you are awesome and I loved your response but I have to bring you back to earth a bit. What you are in essence doing is staying in your lane, not all married men want to wife the goomah, most of them would be happy to be used up as long as the wife doesn’t find out. I have no qualms with a woman getting hers, hell it’s 2010 and itf a man is realistic he knows that he wasn’t the only one getting his rocks off throughout life. BUT when you and he both stay in your lanes with this whole thing, the only person who loses is his wife (I know you don’t care), this means I have 0 sympathy for that dude, drain the hell out of his money if that’s your thing, karma has it in for him. Good luck and thanks for the laugh.
on January 31, 2011 - 3:35 pm
@Greg Dragon: Happy New Year 2011! I’m HAPPY & PROUD to say I ridded Myself of the mm….yipeee…NO MORE mm for Me! 1st of it was very decietful the way that he didn’t tell Me for a whole month (which I figured he wanted to make Me get emotionally deeply involved to the point where I couldn’t do without him (SIKE NOT HAPPENING!)
This incident left a TRULY bad tasted in My mind about how slick men can be, so now that I’m I’m now Positively dating SINGLE men ONLY! I do ask UP FRONT are you married? I’ve learned mm take off their rings ALOT which is a DAMN SHAME! such trickery!
So I’m in TRUE PRiNCESS form, truly ENJOYING My day to day existence, dealing with My Lifes’ realities yet in a Beautiful True Somber way (which is sooo needed). I’m making My Dreams become Prosperous realities…smile….
Good Luck to Us All (ESPECIALLY to Us that move forward with Faith, Grace with the ability to make Our Dreams come True). I live as the PRiNCESS I was born to be (smile) peace
on September 13, 2011 - 11:23 am
I have personally been in a relationship with a married man and I’ve gone through the same phases like most of you writing here do now. And because he left his wife and child for me and not by coincidence, but because I worked towards this goal, I want to share my story with you, all the women dating a married guy – you can read it here http://thelovepr.com/books.html
Good luck
on November 28, 2011 - 1:19 pm
Oh god, did any one who is cheating realize the court systems take this into account, they know it’s potentially “emotionally abusive” when a cheating married man tries to get his children in a divorce hearing. A lot of times a wife “knows” already and doesn’t have proof. But the things she says in court “are red flags” and it rolls it her direction.??? Men who actually leave their wives and kid it’s because him and his wife are fighting over the fact he may be cheating. The damage that gets done is LONG TERM. I recommend not seeing a married man. The romance dream breaks when you have to deal with “REAL LIFE!!!!”. P.s. he’s not going to tell his mistress it was his wife that told him to “GET OUT” That would be breaking his pride, and the reason why he’s cheating to begin with is because of pride and insecurities. Seeing your mistress doesn’t help him. Hes needs a psychiatrist. You cannot help him “get over it”. You cannot “save” him. He needs real help, and a mistress adding fuel to a fire makes things worse, cruel, and destructive. That’s why it’s a big deal, it truelly HURTS people involved for a long, long, time. It’s emotionally, physically, and financially cruel.
on November 28, 2011 - 1:38 pm
p.s. The best thing a wife can do in a cheating situation is to let them “have each other”. It’s the best revenge. He wont torture his wife anymore, he’ll torture the mistress, Her “idiotic” opinions (which usually are on another planet, because that’s where she’s living) won’t come out of his mouth anymore at home, and she’ll be giving him her “idiotic” opinions to him only. It’s salvation, and it doesn’t last “GUARANTEED”.
GET that fellow married women, it’s a gurantee….. Gurantee…Now you can finally laugh for the first time, in a long time….Or another way is to tell him what a horrible, horrible wife you were to him (after he’s moved in with the mistress), invite him over to “talk”. Get him naked and take a pic. LOL Cause he will come over GUARANTEED. lol
on December 2, 2011 - 12:27 pm
I too was unknowingly a mistress. Although I had my suspicions, and I asked if he was married and he said no, I later found out that his meaning was that the marriage itself was over not the paperwork. He stayed in my life for two years as the best source of emotional suport I’ve lived to experience which enable me to fall in love with him. I tried and even he tried numerous times to end things but one of us came back each time. Needless to say, a confession soon came about to me as the wife caught wind of us and was ended abruptly. There was closure needed and things to be said and we met again one last time, which was followed by a raged threatening phone call from the wife afterwards. My thoughts are- can’t the wife see that there mustve been something not there within the marriage for him to do this? I don’t feel bad because I did not know, I don’t feel bad for her because she is stupid enough to blame me and not her husband and somehow still wants him? Not sure if a story or the truth, but what I saw in the end is an unhappy man because he is married to someone whom only cares about what he has financially to offer him and a man that simply needs to be loved. Does she really think he loves her if he is cheating? All I can do is step out of the way and hope he either finds happiness with her or builds the courage enough to leave for his own good. I think not all men are scumbags that stay with these leaches, I think alot are in it because they will loose everything they have worked thier lives for.
on December 21, 2011 - 11:55 pm
When you date someone who will always belong to someone else.you’re asking for Big trouble.I always think what the other person will do if you are discovered.Not good,just think of what you would like to do to the person who’s boinking your spouse.Not good,so think twice about going down that bumpy road.There’s too many single people out there to risk your health messing with a married one.
on January 26, 2012 - 12:31 am
If you get involved with a married person, All that will happen will be heartbreak ,let down ,and all along the way frustration.Save yourself Alot of time and effort.You can avoid all this drama by just pursuing a single person instead.