The cycle of the love affair with a married man almost always ends in broken hearts, hurt, and wasted time. Sure you have those once in a million times where the man actually leaves his wife for another, but for the most part, it is a script for adultery disaster.  The love affair with the married man starts with a man who married for the wrong reasons and thus never truly felt fulfilled in his commitment to the wife.  They probably have kids together and that is the only bond they share.  The ideal woman for this guy is the girl who has been hurt many times by single men and is in the stage where she just wants someone to love her.  After they meet and exchange conversation, he realizes what he has been missing at home and decides to pursue his happiness with her on the side.

He wants to fill a void. However, filling the void may backfire on him, as the relationship may escalate from occasional lunches during work hours or early dinners disguised as “working late”, to the more intimate texting and instant messages all night long. This is hook line and sinker for the woman, as she automatically thinks, “oh, he wants to talk to me so badly that he’s risking getting caught!”, and perceives this as being put first (the one thing that women want to feel in a relationship).  By this time, she is more than likely already aware of the fact that he is unhappy in his marriage and the more time she spends with him she makes sure to plea her case as to why he should be with her instead. The man more than likely plays into this often times telling her things such as “I wish I could have met you years ago”. This makes her feel as if the only thing keeping them apart is the ring on his finger.  Unfortunately, even if she is not ready to admit it, her subconscious desire is for him to make the dream come true, and leave his wife.

Do not sleep with the married man. The worst thing to do is sleep with the married man as once the adultery is official, the dynamic of the relationship drastically changes.  The woman goes through self-esteem issues and starts to wonder why she is settling for less than what she deserves.  If the man is not a total ass, he will feel the guilt every time he looks in his wife’s eyes, and he will try to ease the guilt by taking her out on a date, or suggesting a family vacation, etc.  This in turn will make the other woman feel even more humiliated as she thought he didn’t like his wife like that.  If she expresses it, he already has his reasoning – 1) she knew he was married, and 2) he never said he was leaving his wife.

Married men do not leave their wives!! Sure there are a few people who actually leave their wives when they have met their “soul mate”.  But for the most part, he is not leaving.  Although he gets to the point where he is saying he loves the side chick, he is usually more in love with his kids.  In a loveless marriage with small children, the kids become more of a silver lining and the focus of all the reasons to deal with the unhappiness of no sex and conversation that only revolves around household duties (“did you pay the light bill?”, “Johnny has band practice tomorrow, can you pick him up?”, etc.).  Often the fear of what others will think will not let him do it, as the man does not want to become the “bad guy” in their eyes as the daddy who left in their early years.  

The relationship has a glass ceiling. Nobody wants to be in a relationship that doesn’t grow. Building a life with someone with constant progression and growth is necessary for a healthy relationship. Just because he says he loves her does not mean that he will do what it takes to prove it to her.  The other woman can’t call him or see him when she wants to. Eventually those sneaky late night phone calls end abruptly with “I gotta go!” and a click, leaving the other woman wondering all night if his cover was blown or not, and whether or not she will hear from him after that.  She will get to the point where she must make a decision whether she would be able to deal with never being first in the man’s life, and the thought of it never progressing.

A relationship will never flourish if built from the ground up on sneaking around, mistrust, and false hope. The other woman must think about herself and whether or not she will truly be happy with settling for being on the side. More than likely, she will not.  However, whether she settles for what he is giving her or not, nothing will fix the fact that he is not happy in his marriage and he will step out on his wife regardless. Finding someone to fill the void is much deeper than any feelings he has for the side chick.  This a cowardly way to handle the situation and nothing short of him growing a set of balls and leaving is going to change that fact.  He made the bed. For Pete’s sake, let his ass lay in it.

Written by Nia Syrah on Monday, February 1, 2010 
Filed under Guest Articles, Married Life, Relationships, The Dating Game · Tagged with adultery, cheating, dating married man, married man relationship, mistress, other woman