Feb 18
When you get to your mid 30’s living by the old standby of “I ain’t dating no chicks with kids” will keep you single forever so most guys adjust it to a number, she can only have (x) amount of kids. Knowing this sucks for the woman who got pregnant married out of high school, established a family early and can’t find the father fell out with the man later (for whatever reason), I will preface this by saying that I feel your pain. Many times the standards will get thrown out the door if the woman is fine beyond imagination, but when a man goes into a relationship with a woman and isn’t prepared for the woman AND her kids, he is setting himself up for a big bowl of fail.
One thing you have to realize at 30+ is that you aren’t exactly that young anymore, you aren’t 21 and you aren’t 25. You are at an age that required you to be solidly on your man game were it 40 years ago, so realize that at 30 you are a MAN, not a young man, not an old man, but a man. If you think that you can date a woman and push her kid(s) aside, you won’t be around long if you aren’t careful. The single parent dilemma is felt the hardest by the children, and as a product of such a household I am lucky enough to have this insight in my dating life. Many guys just don’t know how to deal with a child that isn’t theirs and it becomes immediately evident to the child, even when the mom is disillusioned into thinking the guy is perfect.
Advice to Single Mothers in the Dating Game
Ask your Teen: If you have a teenager or clever pre-teen it is important that you get their approval after an introduction or two is made with potential lover. If your kid has daddy issues, as in wanting your ass to stay lonely in hopes of your whoring ex coming back into your life – then go ahead and don’t introduce new guy, your kid needs help, work on your house before you scar the poor sucker into courting you. Nothing wrecks a relationship faster than a bratty child that’s unwilling to play ball. If you have good repor with your child, have regular talks with them and they respect you, then it is important that you get the kid’s approval.
Check his credentials: If you have a toddler or baby and the guy is okay with dating you then this next step is important. You may need to run some sort of background check or something to know what kind of temperament the guy has. A suave, zen-like guy who can hold in his inner lion is great but if you have a temper tantrum throwing lunatic around your baby, you need to drop him like a bad habit. I have been seeing way too many incidents of jackasses punching babies, throwing them from cars and suffocating them all because they can’t take the heat. Ladies listen, this man did not get used to a kid screaming like you did, he was not kept up nights tending to the crying and projectile poop, he isn’t seasoned in this. If he has a temper, or sociopathic tendencies then an unsupervised screaming baby will be at his mercy. Think about it, you may just want to hold off for a man who has a kid himself or slow down on dating until your child is old enough to fight back.
Advice to Men Dating Women with Children
Guys this is hard if you aren’t a lover of children. I cannot stress this any harder, if kids annoy you, or if they get in the way for you, then stick to women who lack kids (if you can find them). Grab a Cougar whose children are in college and beyond, or grab some seasoned jailbait (18-19) and stay the hell away from women in their 30s. If you love kids, or are tolerant of kids in a friendly way, then you must realize that dating a woman with a child is like dating two people. You have to cater to both on some level, especially if the child is a female herself. Engage the child in conversation when he/she’s around but make it natural conversation, not forced conversation. Most teens are cynical and standoffish to new boyfriends so you have to expect hostility initially. Don’t go turning on the young man’s Madden game and professing your “skills” in hopes that the videogame will bond you to him. Don’t go talking about the girl’s favorite band as if you listen to it, because she probably knows that you don’t and you will look like a fool trying to get in.
You do not what to appear as if you are talking the kid up in order to score panty points with his/her momma. It’s very obvious when we do this and kids read that stuff immediately. Here’s what you do, treat the kid like another adult and engage conversation and bonding the way you would if you were stuck in a house with random dude or girl. Take it slow and be yourself (unless you’re an annoying jackass), help out when you can or when you’re asked and the number one thing is to be good to their mom. Being a boyfriend who openly bombs on mom in front of the kids or being that guy breaking mom’s heart will forever lock you into asshole mode in their minds and you will never get over it. It is not your place to discipline an unruly child either, check his/her mom on that, and if it gets too much call it a day and leave.Having to play daddy when you’re simply dating a woman is not fair to you either, so don’t ever let them lay that on you as a responsibility. If you’re gonna play daddy, you probably should go ahead and marry her, for dating keep it at “hi, how was school, I like your dress, goodnight”.
Kids aren’t as naive as you think
If you and the woman are just trying to fu… wait I mean have sex then you should not be meeting her kids. If she is allowing you to meet the kids right before you beat it and skate1 then she is a dumbass beyond compare. In the information age kids know what the hell is going on and that awkward feeling you get when she forces 12 yr old Johnny to go to bed so you all can make out on the couch is warranted. Women you gotta be smarter than this, go back to his crib, keep your kids out of it, get your fu.. er sex on and leave the kids with a babysitter.
So remember it’s not so simple as a number when deciding to date a woman who has a child. You can’t just say “I limit it to one kid” if you are a child hater, keep it real and stick to single women who don’t have or want kids. For you guys that can handle a woman with 2-3 kids, you get all the props in the world because stats-wise I always feel that one of them will be the hater/cock blocker. If you can charm 3 kids and lock up the mom then you are a champion amongst men and I tip my hat off to you. So go forth, date, have fun and remember when children are concerned you have to give respect in order to earn respect. Stop throwing babies out of cars and get your step-daddy on, it’s all in the way you play it.
1 Beat it and Skate – To have sex with a woman and then leave right after to avoid an awkward situation.
The Dragon Recommends:
Filed under The Dating Game
Tagged with babies, boyfriends, cockblocking, single parent
From Boy Lover To Pimp King – It’s Magic!
True Happiness Originates Within Yourself
Save Your Money Today To Travel Tomorrow
A Lesson in Manhood from James Brown’s Papa
Being Tall Ain’t So Easy – The Candid Truth
The Reason Why I Have Never Been Called Bougie
Things I Find Sexy – Sundresses
How To Balance Having A Hobby & A Girlfriend
on February 18, 2010 - 3:21 pm
I’ve personally met some pretty good men for dating. Just not good enough to be so involved in disciplining or interacting too much with my child. Call me over protective. But I could never befriend a man that my child doesn’t like. Not at 17 and especially not at 7. And you’re so right, guys will try and score points with your kids to impress the mom. The ones that do that.. are wimps. I’ve found that with my 16 yr old.. IF I like him, she likes him. IF I dont’ like him that much.. she mirrors me.
Oh.. And here’s my fave movie quote that reflects how guys should behave toward single moms:
Jerry McGuire: “A real man wouldn’t shoplift the pootie from a single mom.”
Good article!
on February 18, 2010 - 8:34 pm
good article! i totally agree with you on the fact that women with young kids should either stay out of the dating game or find themselves a f_ buddy until the kids are old enough to defend themselves…1) single mother to a young kid means the feelings from the previous relationship are still raw and on the surface. carrying a child for someone is a bonding experience whether it’s welcomed or not (unless it was a hit and quit which in that case is not the type of chick a good man should be lookin for)..the new guy in her life will more than likely run into baby daddy drama. 2) the woman needs time to get into the swing of motherhood and the direction her life is going. most new moms are not really too familiar with what to do, and are not used to sacrificing for the sake of someone else, especially if they are alone in the raising kids game. having a man in her life will cloud her mind and her judgment where her kids are concerned just off the simple fact that she hasn’t had a taste of putting the children first. 3) that man runs the risk of being forced into being a daddy. new single moms are always dealing with the fact that it wasn’t the plan to be single, so for a coupla years she goes on a mission to find a good man to be a father to her kids. …
on February 20, 2010 - 11:24 am
I think too, that the problem is.. just because a girl.. can lay down with a boy.. doesn’t mean they come up as women and men. They usually come up as parents! Lordy! Bless the children. A girl or a grown woman who gets pregnant multiple times out of wedlock.. well.. I won’t judge her, but I do believe she needs some serious serial counseling. To: Stop making babies! You can screw all you want to.. get multiple guys.. get STDS all you want. Just stop making babies… & bringing innocent lives into your messy mix.. Problem solved.
on February 19, 2010 - 1:24 am
Mr. Dragon when you told me this article was geared at Mr. Glover and myself, I wondered what you were writing about. Here is one aspect you missed in your article (which was very good btw) the reason most guys put a “number” out there is mostly because if a woman who has three kids especially in their teens years they may not want to have anymore children. Being the guy coming into the relationship with no children, and you know you want to experience the having children with your spouse if it gets that far it may not be a match. I have talked to some of my female friends who have multiple children and they are saying they are done, and the guy they meet is going to have to live with that.
I believe that is where the number issue comes into to play, I personally love kids and have no problem dating women that have them within reason. Let’s be real I have met women with four and five kids running around, I am not saying they were whores but ummm wow five kids?!!?! I really think it comes down to how the woman manages the situation, how she presents the guy she is dating to her kids and when have a lot to do with how things go. Like you said if your that dude that shows up at the house walks in the living room says what’s up to the kid on the way to the bedroom the child is going to have it in for you.
on February 19, 2010 - 2:55 am
Oh I can dig it sir, I used the old “bait and switch” to force you to read the article, my nudge at you and Mr. Glover was basically a trap… that worked… Muhahahah!!! On your point about women not wanting anymore kids I am glad you brought that up because that is very much a case when it comes to dating a woman who has had a few already. Hell I know women who have had one child and the experience was such that she would not ever do it again – that’s a deal breaker for the man you described. If a guy looks forward to fatherhood, from conception to raising, ya a woman who is done with that aspect of her life will not be compatible for him. Very good points by all, hopefully the guys who visit here and are unsure on this can learn something from these comments.
on February 19, 2010 - 11:17 am
There is another point to be made as well depending on the circumstances a woman with three kids by three different fathers is going to not be a good candidate to settle down with. If you break it down they basically laid up with three dudes and had unprotected sex with em, remember that whole thing about not asking how many people someone has been with? Well the number of kids is a real life log to that depending on the factors. Also I think some guys come into it with an understanding of what it takes, but they lose patience if the woman does not have a handle on the situation. One of my friends met a woman who had one child, he scheduled a date with her two weeks in advance to give her time to find a baby sitter and what not. She agreed, but on the day of the date an hour before she calls and says hey I still have to find a baby sitter can we meet later? Three hours later they eventually make it on the date, he asks her out again and the same drama ensues. The straw that broke the camels back for him was on the third attempt once again with ample notice, she tells him the same thing that she was working on finding a baby sitter the day of the date. Then three hours later she calls him and says she isn’t going to be able to go, he had already written her off at that point.
So a lot of it has to do with how the woman with the child handles the situation, most guys understand that is a common thing in society today especially over 30 daters.
on February 20, 2010 - 11:25 am
YOU good guys should open a “charm” school! Hey! This is the charm school. Good job.
on June 19, 2010 - 10:17 am
Hi guys and gals,
This is great! I am joining the conversation kinda late, however I wanted to share another angle to these great points. As a very young women who got married with a child already in tow, I have to say some men can be a bastard and try hard to make a woman feel like “damaged goods” because she has a child, and try to impress upon her that he is doing you a “favor” by marrying you anyway.
I have to admit I did not feel proud of having a child as a teenager even though I loved this chubby bundle of life. I had a bright future ahead of me and this was devastating all around (according to societal values embraced by my momma at that time). But with an awesome support system, my child was well taken care of, so that I may pursue my college education. Now my mother never made it easy, and the rule was – “here is your handbag, put him over your shoulder and take him everywhere you go!” That was the best birth control for me! And in the meantime I had a chance to bond, to continue to grow with my son, and to figure out my life – somewhat.
So when I met my “husband” in college and eventually shared the news of my son, the comment was, “I had promised myself NEVER to date a woman with a child, but since we have come this far…….”. What? Oh my God, where was my good sense then? Mark you, I was 19 years old at this point. I should have body slammed (just kidding) this joker then, but the perception of being in love cloaked in naivity is a mother in itself!
Long story short, by making a simple declaration, this guy made it clear to the world that my child would never be his child. “He is to call me Mr. (whatever his last name was)”. Well, that really woke my green ass up and my vigilance went into overdrive like that of a she lion (if you know what I mean). Because of that experience, my child who was 4 years old when he was introduced to this environment is a better man for it today. I could be singing a different song today…..
Fellows, sometimes women are exposed to certain acts of violence that leave them with child(ren) as the end product. Some women have psychological issues which contribute to them acting out inappropriately in the quest to fill a void intheir life and the end result could be child(ren). Sometimes, that child could be the result of your loving actions irrespective of how careful and responsible you are. I know, but I am not making excuses, in fact I am trying to think how I can justify 5 babies and 3 baby daddies in your early 20s…..Anyway!
Just remember you might never know why your newest attraction has this type of baggage. Every woman with a child is a woman who did not choose to abort or give that child up for adoption. So the young woman without children does not necessarily have better (sex) life management skills. And ladies, because the brother does not have a child or 2 tugging on his shirt tail does not tell you anything. Because men are not kangaroos and do not bear the tangible fruits of pregnancy (unplanned or not) in a physiological manner, this does not mean he may not be a daddy – to somebody!!! Hello!
Ladies, what do you do with the man who has a vasectomy because he was a teenage father and most definitely decides he does not want anymore kids, even if you do?……..Mmmmm. I know such a man!
Marksman, what would you do if you married a woman without children, only to discover her inability to bear children later is linked to a scarred uterus from a couple of abortions she has had years ago? Or even just a case of unavoidable infertility? How would you play that card?
Peace!
on June 23, 2010 - 6:56 pm
I just recently ended a 2 year relationship with a woman that has 3 kids. Their ages are 12, 10, & 5. Don’t get me wrong here, I love well behaved kids. But hers were just downright out of control. They would fight constantly and trash the house. They had little discipline and playtime seemed to be the focus. I don’t know about you but when I was growing up my parents insisted I keep my room clean (not spotless) and assigned a few basic easy chores to teach some responsibility and manners. I’m not suggesting that she should run her home like an Army barracks, but some basic rules and guidance were non-existent. I just couldn’t tolerate it anymore. It sucks real bad because I loved her very much and we had great chemistry and shared similar interests and goals. I miss her terribly but I know it could never work.
on June 24, 2010 - 6:40 pm
12, 10 and 5 sheesh that’s a handful for one woman, where’s the dad(s)? I had this conversation recently with a young mother and she explained that the lack of discipline thing can be attributed to a number of things. What I mean is that there are too many variables to even pinpoint why she let them turn into that but personally I think you did the right thing. I know I couldn’t handle it so I have to give you some props for trying it, it’s quite obvious that you love this woman very much. I’m curious, did you know she had 3 big kids when you started courting her or was this info dropped on you after wrapping her up? I mean 3 is a lot for a man to inherit and you did 2 years!!! I don’t care who you are that’s a big frikkin change (props to Ashton Kutcher) I know I wouldn’t find it ideal.
Anyway, keep your head up Wally and move on having used this as a learning experience. Two years is quite some time and I know you want to find a way to work it out… just remember why it is you left and don’t turn into yo-yo boyfriend (that can do serious damage to those little hellions minds). A beautiful and responsible person does not naturally equate great parent, your girl’s example shows this. You never know about the kids until you get to experience them with their mom in their own environment. I wish you luck in the dating pool, find ground soon or wait 13 years and reclaim your lady (that was a joke).
on January 24, 2012 - 12:49 pm
I read this article…and read the comments and this has to be the best read for my situation because I’m losing my mind lmao :’( I loved just about all the comments here. My favorite is Greg Dragon’s response to “Wally”. I’m 30yrs of age…I’ve been dating a woman (33yrs old) for a year almost now. I don’t have kids and she has 3 kids. After we met, a couple of weeks later, when things were getting hot she explained to me she had 2 kids with her first husband and 1 with her second husband…I was attracted to her from day one. This woman had me from day one; funny, laughed at my corny jokes, communicatiion, and me and the kids meshed naturally…the youngest daugher is a heart breaker. Let me add that the 2 fathers are active in the childrens lifes. Me and her had a fallen out twice but we’re back tight and making it work.
…*sigh*…as I start to come around more often I begin to be around her and the kids and see certain things that is starting to take its toll on me lol. Awesome kids but the dicipline that they lack is wearing me out. The baby, cries at the drop of a hat so often Im beginning to think something is wrong. They act up, I confront the mom, nothing changes. The baby’s father has a serious problem with me & went ape sh!t 1day when the baby ran to me & gave me a hug. I found out that the tat she has on her right breast (still after all this time) is of the youngest baby’s fathers name and it really bothers me which I’ve addressed in which she has no intentions on taking off soon. I asked for a long time what that tat was and she lied every time, i found out on my own. We all went out to eat 1night, the son didn’t know what to eat. He saw a $36 steak plate yet opt’d out of consideration (great kid). Once he was frustrated couldn’t find what he want to eat my lady suggested to him to get the steak !!!!!(0_0)!!!!! & the kid DOESN’T EAT THE STEAK! We’ve all learned as a child, “you don’t order the most exp thing on the menu” when being treated. I was pissed, and she gets mad at me & see it as a problem that I was mad about that. She doesn’t spend her money wisely. While I save and cont to get out of debt, she’s goin in. I was told I could get “1 child” from her & I understand. I don’t know why but something scares me about her and the ex of the youngest.
The kids are great, I love her with all my heart & I look past the little flaws she has & I give it 150%. But this is wearing on me
on January 24, 2012 - 1:01 pm
lastly…I feel left out that she has a family already. That she has 3 kids and she is only willing to give me one. There are many things me and her can’t do as what a single woman would be able to do because she’s focusing on the kids first (and I undestand that) in many areas. I’ve been told by many who had my experience that it will be extremely hard but I felt I could handle it…even my girl said it wouldn’t be easy. I feel like regardless I’m always second fiddle. When ever something goes down with the kids especially when the fathers are involved I’m on the outside watching. Let alone the fathers when I’m at the kids school with my girl their postures are very defensive like why is he here seeing my child…:-(….I’m starting to learn that I want to be the only man, the only father…that when the kids need help I want to be first priority in the involvment of my kids WITH my woman….idk…I love her so much and I’m going to continue to try, ask all the right questions, do all the right things and exhaust every angle…damn this hurts….
on January 24, 2012 - 3:01 pm
1.. This chick has another man’s name on her chest.. Either she fell real hard for dude and thought it would be forever, or shes dumb enough to get a tattoo of “some guy”..either way, it’s an issue because she’s tied to that dude, tattoo or not..
2.. U sound real unhappy..Trust me, unhappiness is apparent and won’t change until the thing u are unhappy about changes.. And kids pick up on it first…
3.. There are children involved.. Maybe keep them out of the pic until u figure out what to do??? If u already have an idea of how u want to raise kids with someone and she doesnt fit the bill, then accept it and find someone who does…
on January 24, 2012 - 3:46 pm
BDizzle, I agree with Nia on this one you are letting your emotions hurt your situation. It’s just too much my man, nobody will think ill of you for cutting your losses and moving on – irregardless of the kids. The thing is this woman has not moved on, she hasn’t. She lied to you because she still feels for that dude and being that he is the most recent father, he can probably say a few magical words and you will be out in the cold with them playing family again.
Use the love of that kid to realize that it may be time for you to start your own family and it is a call of nature for yout o be a dad. One child making you fight for a woman I can agree with but she has 3… dude you aren’t superman, that is INSANE! Think about it from the outside in, for a second…
A Man versus 2 baby fathers, torn mom with tattoo of another man on her breast (the area where you proclaim stuff loud and proud), and 3 kids to win over while their fathers call you a home wrecking punk ass… The odds say run for the hills bro, you gotta love yourself first.
“A pimp told me if I love her I should let her go” – Common
I am merely stating my opinion as you know bdizzle, but I am more than sure that most men reading will agree with me in your situation. The tattoo is reason enough to peace-out. It’s disrespectful man. Go make a deserving woman happy and cut that bird loose.