We all know that chick who has a kid or kids and who has not owned up to the sacrifice that comes with putting someone else’s life before hers.  She is the one who is still living her life the same as it was prior to being pregnant. This girl gives off a “babysitter” feel and not a “child rearing” feel. Consequences of the child’s future do not enter her mind, usually because she was either never taught to care for a child (only to “watch” the child) and never had a positive role model on how to do so.  I want to give advice to this woman. Not because I look down on her, but because I think she needs to wake up in order to reap the many rewards of motherhood.  Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty bumps and bruises that come along with any level of good mothering. However, these are minimal when actually accepting your life as a mother and vowing to be the best one possible.

If you are that chick who leaves your kid with your mother on a regular basis, and not because you are at work or school, I’m talking to you. I have to start by getting you to realize the value of the gift you were given.  It is a life changing event and should be treated as such.  If you still live your life as you did prior to being pregant, you are doing something wrong.  Your mother already raised at least one child and more than likely she is in a stage in her life that she would like to live her own life, and not fix yours. She is the child’s grandmother, not real mother. Grandmothers are supposed to be the ones who are allowed to spoil the child and whatnot, not be the disciplinarian while you are away kicking it with your friends. When you have a child, it is up to you to own up to your new life as a mother and live it as such. It is not fair to put the burden of raising a child on your own mother well after she is done. You need to woman-up before you even attempt to bring a man into the picture.

If you are that chick who will put the kid to bed early because you want to spend time with your man, I’m talking to you.  First of all, where is the father? If he is not around and the child is still a baby (0-2 years) then there is no reason to start dating right away. You more than likely need to see if it could work between you and the father and confirm it’s really over.  If not, you may need to work on yourself and your self esteem.  Something led you to have a baby with a man who did not stick around and that something will probably be a turn off to the next guy. Get yourself right before you bring someone else into the picture.  Children love to spend quality time with their mom, not be rushed off into the room because “that guy” is over.

If you feel you will never survive as a single parent and start searching for that perfect man to play daddy, I am talking to you.  No man wants to be put into a daddy role before he even gets a chance to fall in love with you. Asking the man to hold your daughter while you make dinner, or to come with you to the softball game for little Johnny is a complete no-no in the dating stage. In fact, if you are just dating, that man should never be allowed to spend such quality time with your child. Sure he can meet the kid and speak to him in passing, but going to family bowling night or going out to dinner is not a good route for several reasons, but here’s two of the biggest:

• Kids get attached. Period. There is nothing worse than introducing your kid to your newest guy and letting the kid see how much fun said guy is, then snatching him away because it didn’t work out. It’s bad enough trying to work through your own heartache, but to have to console a crying little girl because that guy doesn’t come around anymore is worse than any heartache you can imagine.
• This sets a precedent for the kid, especially little girls. You do not want your daughter growing up assuming that it is normal for a man not to stick around.  Her father didn’t. And she watched a bunch of dudes come in and out of her life since her father left. It’s not a good start to her having healthy relationships. She will probably have her own issues just because her dad is not in her life on a regular basis, but to make it appear as if men are interchangeable and often make mommy cry….it could make her issues 100 times worse.

My point is to remember that children are people too. When they are babies it is hard to see them as such, as they don’t think for themselves and basically only need their physical needs met (eat, sleep, change diaper, put on their clothes, etc). However, once those children master those tasks and start to need mental teachings, you need to be ready to shape that child by example and quality time. Gone are the days of staying out all night at the club until the lights come one.  Gone are the days of going to happy hour with your coworkers.  I’m not saying that you can never do these things again, but gone is that life you had prior to laying down with that man.  Children need to know they can count on their mothers as someone who they can turn to when things get rough, not someone who could care less what they ate for dinner while they were out all night.

Written by Nia Syrah on Tuesday, May 4, 2010 

Filed under Parenting 101, The Dating Game
Tagged with consequences, friends, love, single, single parent