The problem with cheating on your spouse is that you can end up getting hurt or killed when you get caught by your jilted lover. The problem with people who choose to cheat is that they haven’t mastered the art of covering their tracks, or they are cheating with someone who slips up and gets them caught. Well to be a player, you have to tighten up on your cover no matter how dense your main chick is. Below you will find a few things to live by, in order to have your cake and eat it then beat it too.

Control your environment
Make sure that you are the one setting up the “Hook-up” and if not be sure to channel your inner 007, check it out on Google maps and be certain that it doesn’t lie anywhere near your woman’s work, her friends, family, co-workers etc. It needs to be practically on the other side of town, in an area that woman would not be caught dead in.

Secure an iron-clad alibi
Many guys make the dumb mistake of lying that they will be with a friend, even though the friend has no idea about it. Lying on the spot will make you fail every single time, especially if your lie can be proven to be ridiculous. Preparation is the key, you need to purposely stay out late a few nights throughout your relationship, do innocent things like Happy Hour or just bowling with your boys. Work a few overtime hours and break down the normalcy of coming home on time all of the time, so that when it comes time to creep, you can leisurely say that you are getting a drink, and it doesn’t land you in the hot seat.

Change clothes then go
Keep an extra set of clothes off-site for your dirty deeds. This includes formal and casual attire, the wife cannot know about them so they need to be in a locker or something. Perhaps you keep a private storage, to which you can keep a full set of everything so that DNA and lipstick stains do not get you caught. The point is, prior to the date you change out of your home clothing into your cheaters outfit and do the damn thing. Once you are to head home, you clean up, change back into the original set and make your way back.

Keep it old-school
You want to act like it’s the old days, so this means cash, cash, cash. The cash should not come from your shared account with your lady. It has to be cash on hand, like poker winnings, part of a repayment from a friend who owes you a favor – anything that doesn’t have a digital trail. Keep the cash in an account or box that only you know about and never reveal it’s location to anyone. Stick to major restaurant chains in the unpopular area of town for your dates, places where there are way too many people coming and going to be identified. Stay boring and vanilla with the waiter, do not leave an impression, and keep the tip at 20%.

This next part is important and you aren’t going to like it but if you want to stay married you will stick to this rule. DO NOT GO CHEAP ON CHEATING! This means that you park in a garage where your car cannot be identified easily, you hail a cab and you pick up the woman in that cab. Do not use your own vehicle, let me repeat, do not use your own vehicle. If the woman is willing to pick you up then you must find a safe area to rendezvous utilizing the same rules as stated above for the environment.

Spare the details but never lie

Wife: “Where did you go tonight?”
Cheater: “It’s been a long week so I stopped off for a drink at Joe’s Pub”

In reality you were knee-deep in some carnal naughtiness with Valerie from Marketing, but after you parted ways and the cab dropped you back at the garage, you went to Joe’s for a drink to settle your nerves. To cheat in this manner takes the methodical focus of a contract killer. You must be able to separate family emotion from your lusting as a man, and you almost have to see yourself as two individuals. On the dates you are Superman, you swoop in, cheat with the hottie and leave once the job is done. En route to your home you must assume the persona and dress of the nerdy Clark Kent, pretending and living a lie as if it’s as normal is eating and breathing.

I do not condone cheating, it is unfair to your wife and can result in life-threatening circumstances. Wallet or life, choose one, they both fall into jeopardy when you roll snake-eyes in the cheating game. But if you are willing to play, then this guide should help you play it right.

Written by Greg Dragon on Monday, May 17, 2010 

Filed under Married Life, Relationships
Tagged with cheating, hook-ups, mistake