I read a lot of stories from supposedly single women on how they have trouble attracting men. To men who read or hear this we are oft times bewildered as to how and why. The more experienced dater will assume its due to bitchiness, a personality trait or unapproachable behavior. While this is the cause for a lot of guys refusing to step to a woman, the fact of the matter is that a lot of women just don’t know how to show availability.

What Men Look For As Safe Openings

Body language is as equally important as speech. I am sure you have heard that a million times over but it is true. As a harsh example, if you try talking to someone with your arms crossed and legs in a ready position, it will come across as aggressive. An approachable woman can have a genuine smile that draws you in, if she doesn’t smile it’s the extra second she takes before looking away. It does not have to be a blatant flirt, which at times (depending on the guy) can be a turn-off. The eyes tell a lot and while a woman who glances quickly and looks away may assume we pick up on her shyness. The glance can be easily misconstrued as disinterest. In terms of what would get me over to you to talk, I would make a simple list like this:

1. Eye-contact: Staring may come off as predatory (cougars stare) but a one second glance equates to interest while a half-second glance to “oh god he might come talk to me”.
2. Subtle Smiles: I stress the subtleties because a lot of women dread the thought of coming on to a guy or appearing as if they are the one asking him out. A smile goes a long way and a subtle smile goes even longer. The subtle smile whispers of “I am interested in you and you caught me being interested” whereas a full-on smilex type of grin may seem scary and aggressive (not that a wolf caliber of guy would mind).
3. Conversation: Bars are ideal spots to feel us men out without openly flirting with us. If you are next to a man you like and want to know what he’s about then why not break the ice. Women have the huge advantage over us of being able to start in on any topic without the fear of sounding corny. While I know many still have this fear, trust me, unless the guy is a cocky wolf who will use you up anyway, he will discuss the paint on the walls with you if he finds you attractive. This of course loses it’s power when a woman drops some religious babble or politics out of nowhere. While it is a shot in the dark that can strike home if the person is as into it as you, chances are you could quickly offend or run-off a guy all the same. Keep it light-hearted and fun, the worst thing that can happen is he stops talking and pretends to watch the hokey game on one of the overhead screens. No harm, no foul.
4. Brush touch: Now this technique takes some work and while it’s aggressive it is a signal to the aware that you want him to holler at you. The brush touch is the forceful invasion of our man space to bring our full attention unto you for a few seconds. This can be (my personal favorite) the boobs to the back action as you work your way past him in a semi-crowded room, or the hand gently on our forearm as you pass on by. It’s the body-check that puts us on full alert and it works wonders. Sneak it in while you work your way around the room or on your way to the bathroom, brush by, flash a smile and a tender “excuse me” or “sorry” and dude will be waiting for you to come back by as he tries to get a better look at you.

   The seasoned huntress has this action on lock and as a man our first inclination after an attractive woman walks by is to check your frame so with that in mind it’s an instant “look at me and acknowledge my sexy” for any man.

What We Aren’t Looking At – So Stop it Already

Many of your girlfriends will theorize that a man will know who he wants just by looking at her. We men operate on a premise of leagues and compromise so the truth is beyond the grasp of someone assuming that we are only after THAT one chick in the establishment. When men scope a room full of beauties we will say things such as “that chick right there is fine! And her friend can get it too.” In man-speak this translates to “I would f-ck both of em” which actually means “I will vie for their attention and whichever one bites I am going to try and talk to her”. Many beauties lose out to leagues, if you are Meagan Good in a party walking around with a serious look on your face, average Joe won’t come at you, average Wolf will. And average Wolf is going to take you home, beat the brakes off of it and then be back at that same Club next week bragging to average Joe that he knocked you off.

If you are drop dead gorgeous (you should know this from girls beating you up in grade school and guys staring and drooling without approaching) then you will have to give average Joe an “in” to let him know that it is okay to come at you. For your average friends, especially the cute ones who aren’t trying to be cute, they will get plenty of attention automatically. What I have found sometimes is that women have a whole slew of techniques to get our attention, that simply doesn’t compute to our male brains. Some of these signals that I have seen have been:

1. The Ever-Strut: This technique is hilarious to people like me who know what’s going on but purposefully pretend to be clueless due to disinterest. It involves trying your best to be seen by a guy as many times as humanly possible. You and your girlfriends prance past him 20 times without looking at him, you stop to talk in front of him asking them whether he’s looking your way or not or you return continuously to the bar for a napkin, an extra straw and a lemon. Ladies we scope the entire room, unless you are Olivia Wilde hot and sticking out as the only dime in the room, we’re just going to think that you’re a busy-body.
2. Flicking the hair: Probably my least favorite activity for attention because I am a bit of a germophobe. Having a woman continuously play with her hair for me to notice is just as bad as the Ever-Strut. It makes me think of the follicles flying into my martini or worse yet food and I halfway expect the chic to start popping her gum whilst doing it. There are guys out there who disagree so it may actually work for a few of you, but I’ve never found it to be cute and many of my peers agree.
3. The Runway Walk: While the Hair Flick is good for the blond bombshell types, the runway walk is mastered by many young black women. I get it, momma told you not to come on to the boys let them come on to you. But why not even a hello, hi or a glance as we walk by you. The Runway walk is the eyes forward, power walk of strength that says “I know you are looking at me because I look so good, so you have to earn my attention”. It’s the walk that you see women doing in those old black and white movies where Humphrey Bogard would snatch the arm and be all “come here kiddo” and lock her into a gaze of charm that tames her. This isn’t that era, and men tend to read the walk as unfriendly and unapproachable. I see it all the time, we need hints, we are simple creatures.

These hints are of course for the strangers that we encounter daily that we would like to get to know better beyond the bar or Club. It’s easy to court a co-worker, friend of a friend or neighbor. The ice is broken within those categories, but a stranger is different and men are just as shy as women with the approach. If you want to be the one he actually tries to talk to then throw your bait wisely and stop using techniques that were meant for your mother’s mother.

Written by Greg Dragon on Tuesday, July 27, 2010 

Filed under The Dating Game, Womanology
Tagged with average joe, bitch, corny, cougars, flirting, friends, girlfriend, signals