Dating has evolved over the last fifty years, and with the evolution of online dating and streamlined air travel the world has become smaller.  What I mean by that is simple; you can wake up in Florida hop on a plane and be in Los Angeles in about five hours as long as you have the means to purchase a plane ticket.  This gives you access to thousands more potential dates than you could have had about five decades ago, so with all of these choices and ways to meet people why would you bet the farm on one person?  To say it in a traditional sense, why would you put all of your eggs in one basket?

Too many people are focusing all of their time and effort on one person without having a backup plan just in case it does not work out.  This is a common mistake and should be avoided at all costs, because there are a lot of factors that go into getting into a relationship with someone and making it work over the long term after.  The thought process of these individuals goes something like this, “I really like her she is attractive, smart, and she seems receptive to my advances”.  In reality this is what happened, she is such a nice person that she talks to me and says hello back when I speak to her.  We even went to lunch with a group of friends and we had a good time, she laughed at my jokes, and seemed to enjoy sitting next to me.  The truth is there were no advances at all, people who adopt this school of thought take the most unintentional things and turn them into things that they are not.

Sitting next to her when both of you are out with a group of mutual friends or co-workers is not making a move, and her laughing at jokes or carrying on a simple conversation are not signs that you have a chance with her.  While all of this is going on the person in question is seeing what they want to see and not the reality of the situation, and this can often drag on for months at a time as they try to play it safe to avoid rejection.  They reassure themselves over those months that each smile or nice gesture towards them is a sign that they have a great chance to turn that person into a love interest.

The Miseducation of Vaughn Davis

This thought process played out in front of me when a friend of mine named Vaughn Davis told me of his interest in this young lady he used to work with.  Vaughn talked about how they went to lunch with co-workers, and how she laughs at his jokes and tells him that he is funny.  He mentioned several phone conversations they had, and he translated all of this into her being interested in him since he felt he was making advances.  He then said, “I have been working on this girl for a long time, and I made the decision a while ago that I am putting all my eggs in one basket.”  I asked him what he meant, and he replied, “I am not looking at any other women, I am focused on her because I know she likes me too, so why even consider another woman at this point?”

What Vaughn did not realize is everything he described to me about their interactions  pointed to her just being a nice person and a friend more than anything else.  They had never spent any significant time alone together, and by his own admission he had never really told her he was interested.  That is why he received a rude awakening when she found out that he was interested in her romantically from a third party, her reaction to him changed and she started to distance herself from him.  He kept chalking it up to her being busy, but I told him that she was not interested in him in that manner and was sending that message to him in a nice way.  He was devastated and even became upset with her because he felt that she had led him on.

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!

This is the reason you should not put all your hopes and aspirations in on individual until you have established that the feeling is mutual on both sides.  You should always have two or three people you are getting to know, and pick the best of the group to pursue a relationship with whenever you are ready for one.  Once you start that pursuit put your best foot forward at trying to make a connection with that person, and you can start limiting contact with the others.  Then if you do become exclusive with one of them, then let the others know and don’t be a coward and just disappear completely.  Most people will understand and more importantly you don’t burn a bridge just in case things don’t work out well with the one you have chosen.  By no means are we advocating being a player, all we are advocating is being a mature adult dater and communicating with the people you are interested in.

Loading up all your hopes on one individual is no different than planning on winning the lottery as your retirement plan – in the end you will keep losing.  The after effects are even worse as it will take you much longer to recover from this situation before you are ready and able to focus your attention on another person.  Only the next time you will take longer before making your feelings known because you want to be sure this time before exposing your feelings, so it is an endless cycle of pent up hopes and realistic failure that must not be repeated.

Written by The Marksman on Thursday, September 9, 2010 

Filed under The Dating Game
Tagged with conversations, mistake, online dating, rejection, signs

About The Marksman

The Marksman writes about dating, relationships, love, and the methodology of men and women. For more of his articles, you should visit TheShootingRange.net.

The Marksman has written a total of 25 article(s) for us.