Aug 18
Marriage is The New Black
by Guest Contributor Niambi Dawn
I recently read an article that basically stated that marriage is a dying, archaic institution, especially for Black folks. Marriage is to partnerships what Beta-Max was to the revolutionizing of in home movie viewing. If 30 is the new 20, as professed by Jay Z, and we all agree that 20 is hot, then marriage is like 104 years old. Suffice to say, it is not hot. It is allergic to being hot.
Now, as a married woman of some years (even that ever crucial 5th one), I can’t, for the life of me, understand what the problem is. Marriage offers so many benefits, why would one try so hard to avoid it? First off, umm… the tax break. And please don’t mess around and throw a kid or two on top of that (only your own please), it’s like Uncle Sam is making it rain and you are the gleeful recipient. Single Super Mama, you may be up in arms now saying, “Well, I get a helluva tax break, too!” Please note: when you’re married you don’t have to let baby daddy borrow Junior’s Social every other year.
Secondly, Marriage is an exclusive and coveted club. You know you want in, Single Uber Miss Independent and Mr Player, but it isn’t that easy. Membership requires a commitment to something other than yourself. Imagine that! You can drive that fly new car with plastic still on the passenger side seat, make all that money and spend it on a ridiculous little dog or soon outdated tech gadgets, live in that big house where only one side of the bed is occupied regularly and the other rented hourly, or you can choose a different way, share and build that success with someone else. One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do. Now, here is where all the co-habitating folks chime in. “What is the difference whether or not we actually get married? We’re just as committed.” No, you’re not. Hate to break it to you. One letter makes all the difference, ladies. Wife gets half, while wifey gets nothing. (This works in reverse also, for those gentlemen who may have been wondering. Ask Jessica Simpson’s ex) You know what else wife and husband get? A definitive title. None of that bumbling around every time you have to introduce your lover/boyfriend/girlfriend/lady-friend/companion/life partner/forever fiance/man/woman/honey bunny/homey/ etc. It’s easy now…”Hi, this is my husband/wife, Idris/Beyonce.” The other difference, the escape clause makes you put your best into it (or it should).
Divorce is a lot more labor intensive than cleaning out that drawer he has at your house out and handing back that college sweatshirt of his that you loved sleeping in. And no, fellas, that break up text that your boy forwarded to you and suggested you use, because it let’s them down easy, won’t work with your wife. The fact that you did it (got married), means that you are willing to work for it. You have to fight for it, and trust me the fight makes it worth it. Isn’t this a club, you’d want to be part of? Where people have learned and are learning daily how to consider others feelings, ideas and individualism? If married couples started stepping rhythmically and wearing conflicting colors, you’d all want to be down.
And finally, you get to throw a big ass party and people have to bring you gifts and tell you how great you look ALL day. This day will be well documented, so you can revisit that day of fancy and fulfillment whenever you like.
But seriously, the biggest reason why we shouldn’t allow marriage to go the way of Hammer pants, is that our sole purpose for being is to interact and share love. Doing so through making the supreme commitment of marriage, is to fulfill this mission in it’s entirety.
We look at life like it’s the buffet; we pick and choose what we want and don’t want. No salad for me, thanks, I’m heading right for all the fried and smothered stuff. We want it all quick and easy; we want fast food love. We can’t live our lives like that. Sometimes, we have to sit down at the table together, pull our chairs up to the table and eat a real meal. From course one (salad/courting) to course two (Soup/Engagement) on to course three (Meat,Starch, Veggie/Marriage) and finish it all off with our final course (Dessert/Long Lasting, Well Earned and Love).
Or you could grab another bag of Flaming Hots and a Fanta and call it a life….
Life Lesson: Don’t love to live, live to love. (In other words, Put a ring on it)
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Filed under Married Life, Relationships
Tagged with baby daddy, divorce, jay z Niambi Dawn has written a total of 3 article(s) for us.
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The Top 10 Professional Killers in Movies
on August 18, 2009 - 10:24 am
The problem is married people, especially those who marry young, have tunnel vision when it comes to this topic. I love the article but it makes the same mistake people always do when it comes to the ever annoying “how come you aren’t married yet?” question. Marriage becomes more difficult to attain as you get older, acquire assets and become cynical with the everyday world.
You mention tax breaks from marriage and children but then mention the kryptonite of every guy by reminding us that the court system will reward your partner with half your assets. I am all for child support should things not work out but hearing about guys forking over thousands to tens of thousands (Nas and Kelis) for alimony is enough to keep the guys that “have”, happily single. When the court system decides to play fair this may change and yes I know Britney Spears is the torch bearer for the “it works both ways” crowd but it really doesn’t. Had Britney been less of a tabloid baited loon during the entire think KFed would have zilch.
As a single man with many single friends I see this as a hardcore gender thing too. Most guys think marriage is a farce for people who do it for a lot of the reasons stated above. They marry to make their parents happy, their nosy friends happy, and they marry to fulfill a childhood fantasy. Sometimes it’s a business deal, a few times it is out of general wont to be with the individual for life. People do it for a variety of reasons but my cynicism leads me to believe 90 of the time it is for the wrong one.
Bachelor life isn’t bad at all and sans the tax break this article makes it seem that would be the only benefit… unless the bachelor is tired of “renting” a side of his bed out. Trust me many of them don’t grow tired of it.
on August 18, 2009 - 10:46 am
wifey getting nilch and wife getting half was not a “perk”…just a reminder that when u make the committment, it’s for real and there are real consequences. wife doesn’t always get half either…AND i would think that if one is taking the plunge and getting married, the committment is already there and real and all of the above is null and void. what’s the point of even going there if there is an inkling of possibility that it may not work out? why marry a woman that may one day want to take half of what u have out of spite? makes no sense….and if it didn’t work out, then the marriage shouldn’t have happened in the first place…personally, i agree…marry for love, not money, not status, not business, not for anyone else’s happiness but your own…period. and if that is the case, i don’t think there would be any question as to whether or not it was the right decision.
on August 18, 2009 - 12:56 pm
Thank goodness for marrying young, because I didnt look at it as simply a joining of assets. We built together. I think that is one reason why people need to marry young, rather than wait until they’re decrepit. I’m not suggesting child brides, but how about getting married BEFORE you need a wheelchair? We have become so selfish that we go through life with not only blinders on, but also a mirror placed squarely in front of our faces. Nothing exists but us. Everything is about us. We are constantly asking, “How will this benefit me?” whether it be marriage or children. What we need to be asking is, “How can I benefit someone else?” You already think you’re so great, so what better way to display that greatness than to share it with another? People go through life with a checklist:…College Degree…check, Advanced Degree…check, Trips Abroad…check, Fancy Job, House, Car and Tech Toys…check, oh damn, I forgot to marry and reproduce! So there you are Larry King old, making an omelet with old eggs, with a lady who you barely know!
People think that being married is going to stop their flow, when the it only enhances it. Pick the right person, know what you want and what you expect and you won’t have to worry about forking over half. She’ll help you build, maintain and grow. That is what it’s about.
And keep renting out that side of the bed, and the next bed waiting for you will be surrounded by women tending to your every need. They’ll likely have on scrubs and be there to change your IV.
on August 18, 2009 - 1:28 pm
Divorce rates are rising, religion isn’t as popular as it was 10 years ago and I mention religion because at the end of the day, it is what backs up the marriage quotient in any area… religion started it, so now that beating a bible is no longer the cool thing to do, marriages decline.
We are shown train wrecks of marriages ending in alimony, life-insurance murders and spiteful court cases. Some marriages work, but the fact is many others end because the people did not really like each other once the dice were rolled. Then you factor in the storm of opportunistic people who exploit those who have and marriage seems more hassle than ideal. This, is why it is unpopular and continues to decline as an ideal for life.
on August 18, 2009 - 2:21 pm
Marriage, how ironic, if I would of stayed in that club today would of been my 30th year of marriage. I tried all of the things that you mentioned in your article, but in the end marriage did not work for me. I was married, but my husband wasn’t. We married young, saved our money, bought the house, had all the luxuries that anyone and everyone wanted, had a child,but it just didn’t work out. Many people will not take that step because it is very difficult to manage in today’s society. Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed all of the benigits that came with the marriage, but sometimes it better to pass up the benefits than to remain in a marriage that has stoped growing. Your self respect and dignity is more important then staying in a marriage that offers you nothing. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the marriage, but sometimes it is just not meant to be. And just to comment on the issue of the bed being rented by the hour, just because you are marriaed don’t mean that your partner is not renting someone elses bed by the hour
on August 20, 2009 - 10:11 am
Thanks a million for sharing Cassandra, unfortunately I have heard many stories similar to yours when this marriage thing was a one sided fiasco headed south. Good for you in getting your self respect and dignity back, god knows I know a ton of people shackled to a beam in their marriage while smiling for the public as if it’s all lovely.
on August 20, 2009 - 12:07 pm
Greg, we have also heard many stories about single people who cant get it together. Craziness: it’s not just reserved for the married.
Marriage, by definition, requires work and compromise. With that said, it may not be for everyone, just as being single isnt for everyone. There are instances in which a woman or man should not remain married, to include abuse, lack of committment/partnership, etc. These are also issues that should keep single people from “hooking up” with one another. Let’s not pretend that the problems that occur in marriage, do not occur in other relationships. A man or woman who is an ass, does not reserve that status for their spouse; they usually shares it with the world. The flipside of “I can do bad all by myself” is recognizing the possibility that you can also do good with the right person.
I argue for marriage at a time when people seem to be overlooking it,relegating it to an institution of the past. I believe it would be essential in building our future. As Black folks, we have made many strides and gains, lots of “firsties”. But all of our growing numbers are not positive. Black folks are the face of the AIDS epidemic, Black people overwhelmingly compromise the ever growing prison population, and Black women are the least likely people to be married ANYWHERE !
We (Black folks) attend more funerals than weddings, and I suggest that there is a correlation .
on August 18, 2009 - 2:31 pm
I am married to my best friend, my partner, my “come on, dog,” financial advisor, and all around my man. I married him because I can’t see my life without him. 11 years later, ( 17 years as a couple) I still feel the same way. A good marriage is a partnership, of epic proportions. You are partnering with someone to build a financial and spiritual house. You can’t have success unless both partners are moving in the same direction and understand the role they play in reaching the goal.
Also, my husband and I lived together for 5 years before we got married. We were just as committed to each other before the marriage as we were after the marriage. What changed? The way the world interacts with us. My children have parents with the same last name. We formed a bond that told the world, “I got him/her.” Now, if your bond doesn’t mean that for you, than maybe you need to reconsider the need for your bond.
Why aren’t more people getting married???? I don’t know. But, I know that it has nothing to do with the institution of marriage. Ask anyone in a successful marriage and you will learn there is nothing like it. Successful meaning that your partnership is growing, both spiritually and financially.
on August 18, 2009 - 3:48 pm
I forgot to say….keep doing your thing, Diggum! LOL
on August 18, 2009 - 11:18 pm
Hello Married People, my name is… and I want IN!!! I loved the article and I am looking forward to the next sex in the city article…lol.
on August 20, 2009 - 5:00 pm
I read this thread a few times and had to chime in, I am probably the poster child for the bachelor lifestyle at this point in time. My feelings about marriage aren’t overly negative or positive it’s all a lifestyle choice in the end. I think the key point here is that divorce rates are rising to the tune of roughly 60% of marriages today fail. That’s more failure than success, and while there are many reasons behind that a few of them stick out more than others.
For many years in this culture women were treated as second class citizens, they weren’t really allowed to leave their parents homes until they tied the knot with a man who came to “court” her. A woman’s ultimate loyalty at that time was to believe that her husband would take care of the finances while she took care of the children and home. Times have changed women are now making just as much or more than men, and in the African American community more black women are attending college than black men. Their spending power has increased dramatically, and women don’t need a man to survive. So one of the bases of marriage is not needed, people can take care of themselves and don’t need to partner with someone to get through the tough times. This has led to women marrying at older ages than in the past, and it’s also made them much more selective as on many occasions women want a man who is on a similar social level. As a result this has made people re-evaluate the reasons they are getting married, and I think most people are programmed by society. Grow up get a job, get married, have kids, wash rinse and repeat. But many people are getting out of that mindset because they can afford to wait.
As for the exclusive “club” of marriage it’s not so exclusive, people are joining and leaving that club every single day in almost record numbers. The misconception is because a person is single that their primary focus is on themselves, that is far from the case. Commitment is not something that’s reserved for married people, why do you think people get divorced there is always a way out. With the current trend people are choosing not to work things out rather than staying in a “difficult” situation. Yes marriage and relationships are hard work no one ever said they were easy, but one big reason marriages fail is because of money!! I know people want to believe that love conquers all, and that their marriage can withstand that, but more times than not it can’t and the people end up staying married and living together out of convenience. I know many married couples who don’t sleep in the same bed anymore, but wont’ get a divorce because they are scared to jump back into the single life.
Marriage isn’t going to fix the problems in the black community, yes we are the face of AIDS, and yes we have a lot of brothers and sisters in prison. I know the point you are trying to get at married couple raising kids in a stable two parent home is going to solve the problems in our community. That may have some merit, but our issue has always been and continues to be one of identity. All of our identity has been given to us by someone else. Think about it our communities were built of off church, which was used as an institution to keep us enslaved and behave. I am not saying that marriage is a thing of the past and isn’t relevant today, I am merely pointing out that the reasons you list as strengths of marriage mostly sound like it’s a great business move to me.
I know several friends who left the bachelor lifestyle and have joined the marriage club, unknown to their wives they got married simply because they grew tired of being single and wanted a change. The first person they met that didn’t annoy them too much they married, and the other motive was having children which ironically one of the has a child on the way already. This is the case with a lot of bachelors marrying out of convenience because they want to have kids and not get raked over the coals for child support. This is a reality the number of conversations I have had with friends trying to decide if they should get married have been numerous, and none them were decisions of I am so in love I am ready to get hitched. It was more like man I think it’s time and I am not going to meet anyone better so I might as well do it. That little tidbit is a little known fact at least from the fellas, and the driving force behind it is this. Women can have a baby on their own without a man, but men are unable to do the same. This has a lot to do with it, and many of my single black female friends have said the same thing. They can take their time finding a guy and they are compatible with while still having the ability to get everything they want out of life.
on August 20, 2009 - 10:00 pm
AMPE, I couldn’t I have said it that great myself. You hit the nail on the head. Very well stated. I’m proud to be in the club, but my membership has taught me that its easy to want out. As a new member, I’m looking under rocks for all the answers. I want to stay in the club!!!
on August 26, 2009 - 2:42 pm
@Niambi Dawn, very nice article, well written, touched on some great elements of marriage and the title was off the chain! I agree, that Marriage is an exclusive coveted club…Who wouldn’t want that?!?! It’s important in a marriage to want to fight for it, grow together, ultimately creating a solid foundation. What I found in my marriage that let to divorce was that when one person wants it more than the other it’s bound to fail. You have to work together as a unit in order for it to be successful. Here’s top 6 reasons it didn’t work out.
1. Taking each other for granted
2. Lack of interest in what your mate is involved in
3. Not agreeing to disagree
4 Disagreeing over finances
5. Different paths as far as christian beliefs
6. Sex feeling like a job
Now you may ask, ok, how do you guys make it to the point of marriage when you evidently seen these red flags in the beginning. The truth is we both thought that ultimately love would keep us together and we would be able to work thru these issues, but unfortunately it resulted in divorce.
on August 26, 2009 - 7:47 pm
@Niambi Dawn, u touched on several key elements of marriage, very insightful, uplifting, and well written! Go girl! I agree marriage is an exclusive and coveted club! It’s all bout commitment, growing together, and building a strong foundation. Unfortunately, my marriage ended in divorce, which was very hard for me to deal with in the beginning because I come from a family that everyone works everything out good or bad, after all, isn’t that what you suppose to do. Basically it all boils down to…how bad do you want your marriage and are you willing to work as a unit to make it work.
on December 30, 2010 - 8:13 pm
Man this article is hot garbage.
on January 2, 2011 - 6:43 am
i concur. the biggest benefit of marriage comes to the child (having both parents present to raise them…hopefully), and to the woman (very nice parting gifts if things don’t work out…. i.d. heather mills, chick that was married to michael strahan, MOST other divorces) .
pure statistics dictate that you are playing with a losing hand from the get go (almost!). as a man of means, you have to take these facts into SERIOUS SERIOUS consideration before you sign that contract.
and THIS statement really tickles my funny bone…
“…marry for love, not money, not status, not business, not for anyone else’s happiness but your own…period.”
too funny. what percentage of men, paying ridiculous amounts of alimony to a grown person (perfectly able to take care of herself), have heard ridiculous statements like that at some point in time prior to writing that check??
as far as i’m concerned, no woman was there cooking, cleaning, paying my bills, etc when i was working three jobs through college, two through medical school, SLAVING through residency.
no way in hell do they deserve half of ANYTHING i have. marriage is plain scary for men.
on May 4, 2011 - 11:32 am
This is an interesting perception of marriage…almost a glorified one that I have never really heard from a young person or older person in this day and age. I’m not hating on the writer’s perspective…I’m actually proud to hear someone glorify marriage…on the other hand…everyone is not ready for marriage. They don’t even know how to prepare for it. Many times, people get a one sided view of marriage. Maybe they haven’t seen a happy marriage ever before so they are frightened. And will continue to live in fear of that committment that they so desire. But do they even know what they are committing to? You are right…it’s not just like the latest accessory that will be out of style in the next month. I encourage people to do some soul searching before considering marriage…sometimes when we are young, we have no idea who we are or what we want out of life…and that can be detrimental when involving others and yes, even children. I think I still want to get married…and definitely before I’m in a wheel chair! Great Insight here!
check my post out too
http://drrae.wordpress.com/2011/03/09/ask-dr-rae-why-am-i-not-married-yet/
on May 7, 2011 - 7:24 pm
Thanks for blessing my Halls with your presence Dr. Rae, we share similar perspectives in finding ones self and being ready for marriage versus rushing into it based on societal pressure. Your linked post is very refreshing (I read a lot of blogs) and I think it will help a lot of women who are in the same boat but feeling unsure. Please stop through some more, I could use the reinforcement on the “everyone is not ready for marriage” angle. Take care.
on May 8, 2011 - 8:33 pm
No problem Greg! It’s my pleasure! I just think that everyone needs a self-evaluation from time to time like…”maybe it’s me”, when the same situations keep arising in relationships with different people…and yes forcing our way into marriage will never be wise. I will check out more of your postings! Great to connect with you! ttyl!
on May 9, 2011 - 8:46 pm
Unless you and your spouse to-be desire children, there is no benefit to getting married. And the notion that being single means being alone or single people don’t care about others or sharing is an ignorant and elitist point of view. A single person with the means and the ware-with-all can go out and do a lot of good in the world.
on May 9, 2011 - 9:34 pm
Thank you! With the exception of bringing children up the union is at most another church construct that is more symbolic than anything. It feels like the “cool club” sometimes the way people go about it and pressure single people to link up to be one of them. So you’re married and happy, congratulations, but why do you think that reality has to be mine also? Isn’t it enough that I’m happy? This never sinks in… It’s all tribalism, and if you aren’t complying with the hive then you’re a problem. This never ceases to amaze me.
on July 20, 2011 - 2:15 pm
meh, i’m marrying my partner because we live in two different countries, and marriage is the only feasible way for us to be together for more than a few weeks at a time. i think that’s a significant perk.
on May 18, 2011 - 12:20 am
i’m asian and i am marrying a robot named shaniqua jenkins
or maybe aiko…i haven’t decided yet. noone pay attention to my comment,
its an asian thang, word to tha mutha.
on May 18, 2011 - 12:21 am
ah shucks…
who am i kidding. i just need a damn robot.
please someone find me a robot, i need a damn robot!
on June 19, 2011 - 6:51 am
I was in the married club and I do not have ANYTHING positive to say about it. Okay, maybe the tax break, but that was IT! Let me educate everyone who is foolish enough to believe the lies from married couples. Sex does not increase, it reduces over time. Marriage is really an institution for the woman to get half of a working man’s sh*t, and it maybe beneficial in slowing down the child support garnishments, but in the end, the woman will more than likely get the children and stick it to you. Unless a man can get joint custody, he is screwed! I hope the institution of marriage dies out or is completely forbidden to take place. There are THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of men who wish they had never laid eyes on their former wives, but that’s what happens when you listen to the small percentage of people who are happily married. Also, I have about 13 married friends, none of the men are happy, and they are to scared to get a divorce. Can you guess why? UUUMMMMMM Try alimony, try child support, the men lose EVERYTHING while the women lose one less dinner plate to cook for, and they probably don’t cook anyway.