Aug 18
Marriage is The New Black
Written by Guest Contributor Niambi Dawn
I recently read an article that basically stated that marriage is a dying, archaic institution, especially for Black folks. Marriage is to partnerships what Beta-Max was to the revolutionizing of in home movie viewing. If 30 is the new 20, as professed by Jay Z, and we all agree that 20 is hot, then marriage is like 104 years old. Suffice to say, it is not hot. It is allergic to being hot.
Now, as a married woman of some years (even that ever crucial 5th one), I can’t, for the life of me, understand what the problem is. Marriage offers so many benefits, why would one try so hard to avoid it? First off, umm… the tax break. And please don’t mess around and throw a kid or two on top of that (only your own please), it’s like Uncle Sam is making it rain and you are the gleeful recipient. Single Super Mama, you may be up in arms now saying, “Well, I get a helluva tax break, too!” Please note: when you’re married you don’t have to let baby daddy borrow Junior’s Social every other year.
Secondly, Marriage is an exclusive and coveted club. You know you want in, Single Uber Miss Independent and Mr Player, but it isn’t that easy. Membership requires a commitment to something other than yourself. Imagine that! You can drive that fly new car with plastic still on the passenger side seat, make all that money and spend it on a ridiculous little dog or soon outdated tech gadgets, live in that big house where only one side of the bed is occupied regularly and the other rented hourly, or you can choose a different way, share and build that success with someone else. One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do. Now, here is where all the co-habitating folks chime in. “What is the difference whether or not we actually get married? We’re just as committed.” No, you’re not. Hate to break it to you. One letter makes all the difference, ladies. Wife gets half, while wifey gets nothing. (This works in reverse also, for those gentlemen who may have been wondering. Ask Jessica Simpson’s ex) You know what else wife and husband get? A definitive title. None of that bumbling around every time you have to introduce your lover/boyfriend/girlfriend/lady-friend/companion/life partner/forever fiance/man/woman/honey bunny/homey/ etc. It’s easy now…”Hi, this is my husband/wife, Idris/Beyonce.” The other difference, the escape clause makes you put your best into it (or it should).
Divorce is a lot more labor intensive than cleaning out that drawer he has at your house out and handing back that college sweatshirt of his that you loved sleeping in. And no, fellas, that break up text that your boy forwarded to you and suggested you use, because it let’s them down easy, won’t work with your wife. The fact that you did it (got married), means that you are willing to work for it. You have to fight for it, and trust me the fight makes it worth it. Isn’t this a club, you’d want to be part of? Where people have learned and are learning daily how to consider others feelings, ideas and individualism? If married couples started stepping rhythmically and wearing conflicting colors, you’d all want to be down.
And finally, you get to throw a big ass party and people have to bring you gifts and tell you how great you look ALL day. This day will be well documented, so you can revisit that day of fancy and fulfillment whenever you like.
But seriously, the biggest reason why we shouldn’t allow marriage to go the way of Hammer pants, is that our sole purpose for being is to interact and share love. Doing so through making the supreme commitment of marriage, is to fulfill this mission in it’s entirety.
We look at life like it’s the buffet; we pick and choose what we want and don’t want. No salad for me, thanks, I’m heading right for all the fried and smothered stuff. We want it all quick and easy; we want fast food love. We can’t live our lives like that. Sometimes, we have to sit down at the table together, pull our chairs up to the table and eat a real meal. From course one (salad/courting) to course two (Soup/Engagement) on to course three (Meat,Starch, Veggie/Marriage) and finish it all off with our final course (Dessert/Long Lasting, Well Earned and Love).
Or you could grab another bag of Flaming Hots and a Fanta and call it a life….
Life Lesson: Don’t love to live, live to love. (In other words, Put a ring on it)
Filed under Guest Articles, Married Life, Relationships · Tagged with baby daddy, black folks, divorce, jay z, married woman, partnerships
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I read this thread a few times and had to chime in, I am probably the poster child for the bachelor lifestyle at this point in time. My feelings about marriage aren’t overly negative or positive it’s all a lifestyle choice in the end. I think the key point here is that divorce rates are rising to the tune of roughly 60% of marriages today fail. That’s more failure than success, and while there are many reasons behind that a few of them stick out more than others.
For many years in this culture women were treated as second class citizens, they weren’t really allowed to leave their parents homes until they tied the knot with a man who came to “court” her. A woman’s ultimate loyalty at that time was to believe that her husband would take care of the finances while she took care of the children and home. Times have changed women are now making just as much or more than men, and in the African American community more black women are attending college than black men. Their spending power has increased dramatically, and women don’t need a man to survive. So one of the bases of marriage is not needed, people can take care of themselves and don’t need to partner with someone to get through the tough times. This has led to women marrying at older ages than in the past, and it’s also made them much more selective as on many occasions women want a man who is on a similar social level. As a result this has made people re-evaluate the reasons they are getting married, and I think most people are programmed by society. Grow up get a job, get married, have kids, wash rinse and repeat. But many people are getting out of that mindset because they can afford to wait.
As for the exclusive “club” of marriage it’s not so exclusive, people are joining and leaving that club every single day in almost record numbers. The misconception is because a person is single that their primary focus is on themselves, that is far from the case. Commitment is not something that’s reserved for married people, why do you think people get divorced there is always a way out. With the current trend people are choosing not to work things out rather than staying in a “difficult” situation. Yes marriage and relationships are hard work no one ever said they were easy, but one big reason marriages fail is because of money!! I know people want to believe that love conquers all, and that their marriage can withstand that, but more times than not it can’t and the people end up staying married and living together out of convenience. I know many married couples who don’t sleep in the same bed anymore, but wont’ get a divorce because they are scared to jump back into the single life.
Marriage isn’t going to fix the problems in the black community, yes we are the face of AIDS, and yes we have a lot of brothers and sisters in prison. I know the point you are trying to get at married couple raising kids in a stable two parent home is going to solve the problems in our community. That may have some merit, but our issue has always been and continues to be one of identity. All of our identity has been given to us by someone else. Think about it our communities were built of off church, which was used as an institution to keep us enslaved and behave. I am not saying that marriage is a thing of the past and isn’t relevant today, I am merely pointing out that the reasons you list as strengths of marriage mostly sound like it’s a great business move to me.
I know several friends who left the bachelor lifestyle and have joined the marriage club, unknown to their wives they got married simply because they grew tired of being single and wanted a change. The first person they met that didn’t annoy them too much they married, and the other motive was having children which ironically one of the has a child on the way already. This is the case with a lot of bachelors marrying out of convenience because they want to have kids and not get raked over the coals for child support. This is a reality the number of conversations I have had with friends trying to decide if they should get married have been numerous, and none them were decisions of I am so in love I am ready to get hitched. It was more like man I think it’s time and I am not going to meet anyone better so I might as well do it. That little tidbit is a little known fact at least from the fellas, and the driving force behind it is this. Women can have a baby on their own without a man, but men are unable to do the same. This has a lot to do with it, and many of my single black female friends have said the same thing. They can take their time finding a guy and they are compatible with while still having the ability to get everything they want out of life.
AMPE, I couldn’t I have said it that great myself. You hit the nail on the head. Very well stated. I’m proud to be in the club, but my membership has taught me that its easy to want out. As a new member, I’m looking under rocks for all the answers. I want to stay in the club!!!
@Niambi Dawn, very nice article, well written, touched on some great elements of marriage and the title was off the chain! I agree, that Marriage is an exclusive coveted club…Who wouldn’t want that?!?! It’s important in a marriage to want to fight for it, grow together, ultimately creating a solid foundation. What I found in my marriage that let to divorce was that when one person wants it more than the other it’s bound to fail. You have to work together as a unit in order for it to be successful. Here’s top 6 reasons it didn’t work out.
1. Taking each other for granted
2. Lack of interest in what your mate is involved in
3. Not agreeing to disagree
4 Disagreeing over finances
5. Different paths as far as christian beliefs
6. Sex feeling like a job
Now you may ask, ok, how do you guys make it to the point of marriage when you evidently seen these red flags in the beginning. The truth is we both thought that ultimately love would keep us together and we would be able to work thru these issues, but unfortunately it resulted in divorce.
@Niambi Dawn, u touched on several key elements of marriage, very insightful, uplifting, and well written! Go girl! I agree marriage is an exclusive and coveted club! It’s all bout commitment, growing together, and building a strong foundation. Unfortunately, my marriage ended in divorce, which was very hard for me to deal with in the beginning because I come from a family that everyone works everything out good or bad, after all, isn’t that what you suppose to do. Basically it all boils down to…how bad do you want your marriage and are you willing to work as a unit to make it work.