Jan 05

Now that I have experienced what it is to have a “failed marriage”, I often wonder why I am still hopeful about getting married again, and making it work. With the high rates of divorce and broken relationships, heightened by the recent debacle of Kim Kardashian, it is so easy to become cynical about “I dos”.

Everybody has a personal rule as to what assures success or sure failure in marriage. I have heard advice ranging from “live with the person for at lest year, as in a trial run”, to the other side that says “If you shack up, your marriage is guaranteed to fail”.  There are also those who counsel – “Make sure you get to “know” the person. Date for at least one to three years”; yet I have a friend who got married two weeks meeting her husband, and in June of 2012 will celebrate their 40th anniversary. In twisted reference, I attended a wedding in April 2010 where college sweethearts dated and cohabitated for 10 years before tying the knot, and did not make it to their second anniversary. What can I tell you?

Marriage remains for many of us a slippery slope to navigate. It takes effort and work. The blaze that we experience in the beginnings of a relationship soon fizzle to glowing embers or cold ashes, especially when young children and cost of living debt are added to the equation. Yet we can all agree that couples who are most committed, intimate and satisfied in their relationships are the ones most likely to enter the longevity hall of fame.

Couples who can genuinely celebrate each other’s accomplishments and achievements will remain supportive fans rather than combative competitors. It is not enough that your honey knows you are proud of what he or she does, but celebrating good news and making a fuss is a hell of an ego booster.

Are you happier when you are apart than when you are together? Do you find it easier to point out the screw-ups than the positives?  Do you carry a grudge from an emotional slight to the point that the cookie is completely out of the question? While sex will not solve your marital problems, withholding certainly will not build emotional deposits and will intensify the problems. Plus sex is such a great mood booster!

If the ratio of negatives begin to outrun the positives, then you could be at risk of circling the emotional drain, and getting out will seem like the perfect solution. Your mate is your partner,  not a child you are raising by telling, telling, telling. I suggest, if the toilet seat being up bothers you, just close it when you see it.  Keep in mind – it bothers YOU – not the “perpetrator”. Lovingly do what is within YOUR control and choose your battle.

In fact, forget the rules, the advice, and the experiences of others. Just do you. In fact, scratch that – Go over to your mate and JUST DO HIM/HER.

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