Oct 02

sporty chick

This was the feedback I received from a number of black women when I wrote a guest post about the positives in dating a tomboy. The women who responded seemed to come from 3 separate camps – those who genuinely liked the article, former tomboys who appreciated the article, and religious bigots who wanted to spin it into a “gays are running our Christian earth” type of thing.

Here’s a quote from one of the responses that took my sexuality to task:

Jo: “sooo, are you saying you’re bi or something? I’m sorry, but if you like a girl who acts like a man, hates other girls (or pretends that other girls except herself are “catty” is a HUGE sign of ugly insecurity and hypocrisy), likes beer and football and farting, well, guess what? You dont like a girl, you like a guy.”

Thank goodness there were some sane folks in the commentary, one being from “Meg” who replied:

Meg: “Wow. That’s some straight ignorant BS right there. I’m a full-out tomboy and although I may try to be girly for nights out or dates, you can tell just in the way I act that I am no priss. I box, run, play football and hate shopping. That being said, the idea of being a lesbian repulses me. I am in no way attracted to women and in fact, I think many straight tomboys can’t STAND women and that’s why they hang out with men. That’s that narrow mindedness that puts people back 100 years in common sense and respect for others.”

ciara the tomboyYou may wonder why I bring Church into the argument of this article but the people who attacked my post had a religious spin on other posts that I had followed – so I knew the animal behind the attacks (so to speak).

Due to the fact that I am beyond secure in my sexuality (and could give a damn what a commenter reads into any of my articles to determine what I like), the attacks didn’t really phase me. But it made me curious as to how widespread is this belief that girls who play sports, dress down and hang with mostly boys are secretly gay and the boys who date them are gay along with them. I am ready to laugh just writing this drivel.

I would love to hear from anyone out there reading, who is brave enough to defend the scriptures of Leviticus and take me to task for liking women who are defined as “sporty”. Am I one of the “freaky minority” for giving the Gina Carano’s in life their props for doing boy things while looking good at the same time? Or is it the way I am seeing it – Another religious persecution borne from homophobia, short-sightedness and backwards, church dogma?

Am I going in too hard for you? Well the fact that I am somehow being called gay for liking… women… leads me to want a real answer to what I see as a silly assertion. What’s Jo’s problem with men liking tomboys in your opinion, if you aren’t in agreement with her? I am going to go with a tomboy may have kicked her ass in the past.

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  • Lol, you got your bum handed hard to you and are all bent out of shape about it, to the point that you had to make a whole post around it. Cry moar in that closet.

    • Trolling huh? Well that’s cute. Thanks for reading and commenting.

  • Anna G.

    I’ve sat back and wondered about this concept. No matter how much I turned, twisted, and tangled the details, I still couldn’t find myself to agree with the notion that the man and woman in this type of this relationship are secretly gay–my experience as a prime example.

    I’m a tomboy and cannot fathom being a lesbian. My ex is a guy and is aware of his feminine characteristics; he’s not gay. At the end of the day we realized that it boiled down to the traits since the context of sex was a totally different story.

    Bottom line: I feel as though this could be someone’s last-ditch way of trying to explain how two people can click so well and be “weird”.

  • Trainer Gooch

    I’m a tomboy and I love men.

    • Hall of The Black Dragon will forever be a Tomboy-friendly space. I think that any man who loves women that can take care of themselves will have a soft spot for tomboys.

  • Jessica

    Am a tomboy i hate skirts i wear tight jeans i do my nails acrylic long have short hair any my body is average dressing up like a hooker is not my thing.Respect now that is very important in my life cant tell you what happened when i was a child but dressing like this very important when i yousto dress like a hooker many men disrespected me hell they still do it even dressed as a tomboy any i love men and me and my husband have great sex i think the best he never felt so much wetness in his life with any woman before.He stills come back for more.

  • SarahJames

    When you think about it, it makes sense that people would come up with this kind of idea because of how gender segregated and labeled our society has become… I love playing basketball or watching a game with my boyfriend/husband and no I don’t walk around in mini skirts. I like to get my nails done just as much as I like screwing them up in the pool. And FYI going to the spa is one hell of an activity. So what am I supposed to be bisexual now because I don’t think “being a guy” is an excuse to have God forsaken feet? Or is my boyfriend gay if he likes shopping? People are attracted because they have things in common tomboy has nothing to do with it.

  • Amazon

    Those on the christian right are strict about gender roles and they use calling people gay as a way to keep gender roles in place. They forget the difference between biological sex and gender expectations (not talking gender identity), liking a woman who breaks the gender expectations is not gay. I would say it means you’re not gay because gay men who are closet look for the opposite, a really passable crossdressing male who has the mans bits but looks like a woman on his arm they go to the transgender scene to try and find passable crossdressers and most are men who won’t admit they are gay even to themselves and are convinced they just like women with something extra. And in the past lesbians used to go for really butch women who looked like they were with men on the street but had all the womens parts. Thats because how anyone acts or dressed are all social expectations, biology itself is more important when it comes to sexuality.

    And some women don’t want women who are straight being tomboys and joining mens circles because they can’t trust their boyfriends are insecure etc so they may try and put tomboys down. Im out as a lesbian but secretly bi, as im so far to the butch side im better off dating women and not coming out as bi because i dont want to have to deal with gender expectations as im aware of what’s out there. I did think i was 100% lesbian up until recently though, so i have not lied my whole life just to get out of gender expectations, but i will from now on.

  • silver orland

    As a completely sane person, I can agree that if you like tlmboys, you are gay. It means you are attracted to masculine qualities, may be misogynist (see feminimity as bad and that masculinity is WAY BETTER), and are repressed (ie being confused, think you like girls but are attracted to anything on guys). I personally dislike tpmboys. Women should be comfortable as themselves and embrace feminimity and not view themselves as inferior while holding masculinity in such high regard they obsess over it until the desire it.

    • Dani Temnota

      no, being gay means you’re attracted to the-same sex, regardless of masculinity or femininity (else gay men would simply date tomboys). gender and gender expression exist on a spectrum. i’m sick of people policing others orientations simply because they don’t relate to it. tomboys are comfortable with themselves, despite a society that tries to mold them into life sized barbie dolls. maybe you’re the one who is insecure?

    • Pell

      “Women should be comfortable as themselves…..”

      Thats the thing. My tomboy nature is being myself. My entire life I always preferred boys clothes and colors. (The pink pastels etc were and still are ugly to me) I have always thought pants and jeans were more functional than skirts and dresses…..and gave you more freedom to play.

      I have been obsessed with sneakers and basketball since I was little. I still collect them to this day. I have no interest in make-up, purses, nail polish. Never have, never will. Although, I don’t mind if a friends insists on doing it for me.

      I don’t think femininity is bad. (matter fact at various moments in my life, i used to wonder why I wasn’t like other girls, why I didn’t have the same urges to be prissy.) I also used to obsessively worry about my masculine qualities turning off male crushes, so I used to try to make myself seem girly sometimes which was so fake.

      Its just not me…….I do have some feminine traits….when around kids I think I do ok at being motherly. I also did play with dolls as a kid. But I also loved Legos and Toy Guns.

      • silver orland

        “My entire life I always preferred boys clothes and colors.”
        Exactly; you like male things and clearly know that you reject feminine things and associate male things with being cooler and girly with lame or fake. As a girl, this sounds like low self esteem and associating with “strength” to compensate. Plus, the right skirt lets you move just as well.

        Even you doubted yourself for being different. That does not sound confident. All I am saying, is being yourself and being proud of being a girl seems a lot healthier than being, as you say, insecure.

      • Pell

        1. No, its not about it being “cooler”. You are projecting that with no evidence. Its not my fault that society saw SOME of the things I happened to LIKE as “for boys”. If you sit a 5 year old kid of any sex in a room with three kinds of different toys. Some are going to gravitate towards Toy A, Toy B, and Toy C. Some will gravitate toward two of the toys. What society projects on to the children and their choice (like you are doing to me) is outside of their control and has nothing to do with them seeing other options as inferior. They just are drawn to it……

        2. You can respect that other people have different tastes without seeing yourself as superior. We are all individuals and we we will never all have the same interests. I don’t think I am better than girly girls, we are just different . But we both deserve to pursue our own interests, without being derided or shamed for it. Lets take sports. I like basketball and football; but I am not a fan of Tennis or Rugby. Nevertheless, I still RESPECT those athletes and their fans as much as I do basketball players. I also don’t think professional basketball players are superior to professional tennis players. They ALL are at the top of their craft. According to your logic, I would somehow think the sports I follow are superior. And thats just a stupid and narcissistic way to look at the world…..and I don’t view it that.

        3. You said I reject all feminine things. Thats false. I don’t reject them. I just am not interested in SOME of them but I certainly must have enough female traits, otherwise I wouldn’t have female friends I relate too and I certainly do.. Lets take make-up, I don’t wear it. But I don’t “reject it”. I don’t look down on women who do. If it makes her feel beautiful I say “Go for it”. I even look at the videos some girls share on Youtube and the things they do are AMAZING! I can still admire their choice in glamour even though its not mine. Saying that I reject make-up because its feminine, is like saying a woman rejects video games because its so-called masculine. No, she just isn’t interested in it. That doesn’t mean she won’t buy her children or boy friend who is a game nerd video games though.

        4. Also, at 26 I am not insecure. I am very much comfortable with my style and interests ……thank you very much…… and its rarely an issue as an adult. Most of my friends have just accepted they will never get me to wear make-up/purses every day, but they still love me for me. And I actually ended up meeting more guys that I shared interests with due to my masculine interests so my middle school fear of them all assuming I was a lesbian turned out to be UNTRUE!! Some guys will accept you some won’t. (same for girly girls)The only time I noticed I was different was probably sometime in middle school when I realized how I dressed would have an affect on how people viewed my sexuality. So Yes, at 11/12, I was a little bit uncomfortable about the idea of people seeing me as a lesbian (I’m not) and I certainly didn’t want my boy crushes to think that. So around like 7th and 8th grade, I made more conscious choices to try to get things out of the “girls section” . Or I would mix girl and boys clothes together. (which I still do today) But it never was me and I still longed for most of the boys styles; but I did conform a bit because I was a dumb kid. As a kid I didn’t know anything about gender identities and the gender binaries society puts on people. As an adult, I could give two flying fucks if someone thought I was lesbian because I AM secure. Plus, there ain’t nothing wrong with someone being a lesbian. If I was insecure, I would be walking around in dresses and wearing make-up even though I have ZERO interest in either. Thats insecure, being something you are NOT to please other people’s expectations of gender performance. Thats what is UNHEALTHY!!

  • D

    I am a straight man that has always been attracted to tomboyish women. I am definitely not sexually attracted to men, I just like women who are more down to earth and not high maintenance. Ever since I was a little kid I was always attracted to girls who were more like “one of the guys,” like I liked buttercup the most from the powerpuff girls or I wished I could find a girl like spinelli from the show recess. I don’t know why people always try to find a way to call someone gay for liking something that’s not what the majority of society deems as normal. Just because I don’t care for over the top feminine women or that I prefer women who don’t paint their fingernails and don’t take 3 hours to get ready doesn’t mean I’m gay.

  • Scarlett o hara

    Me = “Skinny hot girl” exterior with a super competitive athletic ability and love of the outdoors that people rarely ever believe until they witness it firsthand.
    (smiling)
    I luuuuuuuuuuuuuurve being able to constantly surprise them.

    • This is why stereotypes are stupid. What’s funny is that men who like and date tomboys can pretty much spot you a mile away (even in the girly girl disguise). It’s great having someone who is into much of what you’re into (even if it means rival teams) and it makes things so much easier.