Aug 02

doug kisses carrie

I hear married men announce “wife points” almost on a daily basis: “man I’m gonna lose wife points for this”; “I got some wife points the other day for that”. Yet we unmarried guys look on and nod as if we understand the terminology but in reality we are simply translating wife points into what we know from “girlfriend points”.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the 2 point systems are different based on the level of fear I see in a married man’s eyes whenever he knows that he’s about to lose wife points. This led me to ask a married man the following question: “are men regulated to being children to their wives. How come there are no husband points?”

His answer: “Because we don’t give a damn! If your girl pisses you off for some reason, you handle that crap right there and then. You don’t hold on to it for 6 months and then ‘get her back’ because she spent too much at the shoe store. Women hold on to it!”

So there you have it… wife points are a result of women’s tendency to hold on to past transgressions. I never would have come up with this but my married friend had put a lot of thought into it before answering.

Consider the following chart for Wife Points and the wicked skew it has towards the negative:

Dave’s Chart of Wife Points

Remember Birthday/Anniversary/Holiday+1
Wash Car+5
Do Laundry+5
Clean kitchen/house+10
Flowers for no reason+100
Romantic surprise of any type+100
Jewelry of appropriate sparkliness+1000
Go to bachelor party– all
Look at another woman for too long– all
Forget groceries– all
Forget to take out trash– all
Visit the strip club for non-bachelor party purposes-all2
Guy weekend in Vegas-all2(stealth)
Watch TV instead of listening to femrant-all
Do something mean in a dream she had last night-all

Note that the -all2 will result in negative points, which must be worked off. Saving up ahead of time actually punishes you

From the creator of The Chart: “As the chart indicates, previous good deeds have very little to do with the current infraction, but an infraction from years ago is still remembered. also, stealth just means that she won’t ACT like you lost points, but you definitely did!”

My married and formerly married denizens of the Hall, does this chart ring true to you? As a man who stands on the sidelines of that life I cannot imagine being this handcuffed by someone who I’m supposed to be in love with. It seems a tad hardcore, is it really too harsh, or is it a reality?

See some words or phrases that you don't understand? Check out The Dragon's Lexicon.
  • Tim B.

    wife points are a falicy, no matter how many you think you’ve earned they really don’t exist unless she’s happy with you.

  • Sandra Alves

    That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen, that’s why I’m single.

  • Liz

    As a wife, I don’t have a points system. When I feel angry about something – you know – I’ll just come out with it and then move on. I don’t hold on to grudges, because I prefer to be happy!