Jun 21

If you and your lover are always together, sharing friends, sharing hobbies, living, eating, breathing together every second of the day, you may start to find that your “still single” friends are not as friendly as they were back when you were in the salt mines together. What you may not realize is that you have informally lost your name in lieu of some combination thing that you are being referred as behind your back. You are no longer Bill and Jennifer, you’re Bennifer, no longer Sean and Elizabeth, you’re Shelizabeth. you have put this crown unto your head by making the mistake of being with your lady/man ALL THE TIME.

Let Me Explain…

I have 2 sets of happily married friends, one guy will come out with us solo and then return home when the night is over. We see his wife on events labeled “family”, at cookouts, on poker nights and during sporting events. He is an individual to us, with his own identity just like she is. Another friend does not come out with us, well he can’t because his wife isn’t into our thing and will be bored out of her mind. You never see him without her in tow, she’s the type to show up to the Fantasy Football Draft knowing nothing about the game or our thing… she’s there with him. Unlike our first friend, the second guy is not seen as an individual, when we refer to him it isn’t “Tom”, it’s “Tom and Tara” or “Tomara”. Understand the dilemma now?

Tomara will never be invited to guys night out or girl’s night out. Tomara is relegated to “family” events, weddings and get-togethers. Tomara may be fun, interesting and exciting, but Tomara is a pair and when it comes to girl talk and guy talk, nobody wants to risk having the opposite gender within earshot.

Getting Your Identity Back

If you’ve been in a committed marriage or relationship and you and your woman have always done things together then accept that you are doomed to being a “Tomara”. You cannot decide so late in the game that you want solo time to hang with the boys, then order her to find girlfriends to kick it with while you’re out. Many couples don’t think about this and their single friends squeeze them out of things assuming that they will never in 100 years show up without their wife or husband. If you become serious with someone and it’s not too late, preserve your identity, let them know that there may be nights where you and the guys will be kicking it. If you can maintain a balance of interest you will be able to avoid the Tomara situation.

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