Jul 15

Dear Dragon, I just found out that people call me a “douche” behind my back. I’m a pretty confident guy, I have a girlfriend and I go out of my way to help people all the time, so why the hate? What is this “douche” shit mean anyway? – Steve H.

Hey Steve, thanks for writing in. Here’s the thing about being a douche, a douchebag (d-bag) or any variance of that object typically used to wash a vagina out. It is a word you really should be concerned about, I mean there is nothing positive or playful about it whatsoever. Guys don’t play with each other using the word douche bag, I mean some words we do play with like “ha ha Steve, what a dick” you can take that anyway you like. If it’s a good friend calling you a dick he is simply saying that you can be a real bastard sometimes (playfully) but if he says “ha ha Steve, what a douche” then he doesn’t think highly of you.

Now in order for you to fully understand the negativity behind your new nickname, I have to break down the usual suspects that earn the name. Hopefully once you’ve read the descriptions you will see something that rings familiar as to the cause of you being called a douchebag. The following are the three most common forms of douches, the frat douche, the club douche and my own invention – the everyday douche:

The Frat Douche

Douchebag is typically reserved for selfish, cocky, worthless, wannabe alpha males that are absolutely clueless as to how much society hates them. Many young frat boys fit the bill because they are normally tribalistic, loud, drunken yeehaws whose thought pattern revolves around “I just survived another grown ass man ramming a paddle up my ass for a week straight to equate us bonding so me and my supposed brothers is all that matters”. The frat douche will then commence to shit on regular dudes who chose not to go the paddle route, scam on chicks who are either groupies to his Greek letters or randomly innocent baby gold-diggers thinking that the douche could be a potential wealthy douche once daddy cuts him the check for “surviving college”. THAT guy Steve is what you are being grouped with, were you THAT guy Steve?

The Club Douche

If you’ve seen that great Reality TV train wreck of a show Jersey Shore, you have an idea of the Club douche. Club douche is a mainstay to people who go out dancing on the weekend. This guy is normally jacked, obnoxious and trying extra hard to prove that he’s Alpha. Club douche is rarely if ever solo, he either has a few puppies (his entourage) hanging with him stroking his ego or random ecstasy zombie chick on his arm. Club douche will walk through the dance floor bumping people with arm candy in tow, trying hard to look bored and disinterested while posturing extra hard for his hang-arounders.

Jacksons Night Club in Tampa Bay is a frequent roost for this douche as he normally ends the night on his ass alongside his drunk girlfriend after the bouncers have thrown them out to the curb. Activities that lead to him typically being booted is his attempts at raping passed out drunk/high chicks in VIP, trying a guy with balls enough to call him on his pussy-actuality (douches typically can’t fight) or the biggest offense which is trying to fight a bouncer.

The Everyday Douche

During our everyday lives, a person is referred to as a douche, typically for exhibiting the traits of those two guys that I’ve just described. A douche cares only for his own feelings, typically doing and saying things to violate the man laws and put down friends and family. A douche will not think it wrong to proclaim loudly that he would bang his buddy’s wife or daughter. He’ll cross lines frequently, as if it is no big deal. Back in the day, a douche is the guy that was getting shot down in duels or beat up and thrown in corners. The laws of the land protect douche bags so the most you can do against them is to call them a douche bag.

You may need a douche intervention Steve, pull your woman and friends together and tell them to give it to you straight. What trait are you exhibiting that has made you gain this the most heinous of insults? They are the only ones who can tell you because random stranger won’t.

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