“Dear Dragon, I read your article on “ride-or-die” chicks and related to the post in a very personal way. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and have a home and a beautiful baby girl together. The problem is that I am constantly finding him talking to other women… I know that he has cheated on me, but it’s hard to catch. When he leaves I have no idea if he’s telling the truth or not, I am 21 and he is 22, and I want to know if I am wasting my time. I am definitely that R.O.D. chick for him but will he realize that I put a lot of work into us and settle down? Why does he keep doing this stuff when I literally beg him not to and it’s the only thing I ask of him? I’ve EARNED that much. Is he just greedy? Is it too far gone? I really need a man’s advice and I love your writing style and you seem like you have the same personality type as my boyfriend.”– Ann
Hey Ann, I am very sorry for your situation because you are dealing with a young man and there is a lot of weight in me saying that. As young men we tend to think that we are owed as much love and attention from beautiful women as we can get; it’s just how we are wired and only a very few men are ready to settle down at that age. I recall personally my own friends and how a handful got married after prom and the rest… well it took all the way up until our thirties for us to calm down mentally and accept that we are grown-ups.
Your man may be acting in the way of a regular guy. You have given him everything that he would want as a family (good girl that loves him, a baby) but you haven’t pushed back have you? The push-back that women have to make on young guys is to make sure your needs are being met in exchange for the loyalty and trust that you give. Above all else this is what makes you a valuable asset to a man beyond sex, family, love, it’s the fact that you are the person who will be there and I think that many women sell themselves short by giving these things up for free and then wonder why the other person doesn’t appreciate it.
In my long years the one thing that I’ve noticed is that a person may be good in a moral sense but their sense of loyalty and gratitude may be flawed. Let’s take a look at your situation, you are with someone who you feel isn’t holding up his end of the bargain on trust… you aren’t asking for marriage, you aren’t asking for him to move across the country, you are just asking for him to not disrespect you by cheating on you. Have you thought about the fact that the “ride-or-die” status that you have owned (and you get all the love in the world from me for being that way) may be what is being used against you in this instance?
A selfish person who knows that another person is committed to them to the point where they have no fear of losing them will take advantage of that all day long. If your guy is of this mentality then of course he is going to step out on you without much thought about your feelings. He’s 22, he wants to sleep with every woman alive – trust me!
Is he a man of honor?
A man of honor will want to change himself in order to do the right thing when it comes to family. There is no amount of sex, hot women, and availability that could get in the way of that. You have a little girl and she will absorb every little bit of what goes on between the 2 of you throughout her years. Little girls need their dads but if their dad is disrespectful to mom then she may end up in a similar situation down the line. If your boyfriend is anything like me this fact will make him stop in his tracks and consider the situation.
At 22 it’s hard for a guy who has the influences of wild friends with no responsibilities to act like a grown up. As a young father he should be aspiring for financial stability – even if it’s hustling – and he should be thinking 5 years beyond his peers who are still Clubbing and doing 8hr Call of Duty or Madden runs because they can. A responsible father and boyfriend will aspire to earn not play; I don’t care if he’s 18 this is what will tell you whether or not that man has mentally accepted his role in your lives. If he hasn’t and you are dealing with a boy who has lucked out into having a good woman and a child then you may have some hard decisions to make along with some ultimatums to protect both yourself and your daughter. It goes beyond respect as we have to factor in STD’s, other children by other women, and above all else the canvas of the world that you are painting for that little girl.
Talk to him, analyze who he is as a man and if he isn’t worth it Ann I will need you to drop that Ride-or-Die stance you have gifted him in lieu of some self-respect and a better future for your girl.
Thanks for writing me and good luck with this.See some words or phrases that you don't understand? Check out The Dragon's Lexicon.