Jan 28

“Dear Dragon, I don’t want to sound conceited but why do so many men seem to either feel or be intimidated by me?” – Haseena.Z

Well Haseena, what you suffer from my dear is The Curse of Being A Beautiful Woman – don’t deny your looks for fear of conceit, if you have it going on then you have it going on. Let’s break it down starting with the obvious, you are a beautiful woman so immediately from the jump you will scare away half the guys who secretly can’t get enough of you. Men are strong naturally, but when it comes to women, an inexperienced guy always fears being that dude who is shot down by the beauty in an embarrassing way. I need to figure out a way that a beautiful woman can signal to us guys that she is safe to approach (I know lol) and that even if she is not interested, she will not go off and embarrass the hell out of us. Although this rarely happens, the one loud, crazy chick that we have all met at one time, scares the crap out of guys for some reason.

If it were me, and I saw you and was really into you, I would approach you and anything short of you emasculating me loudly in public would not really deter me from at least trying to get to know you. This fact about myself is due to the tons of rejection I have gone through from High school on up – which is why I always tell guys to keep trying because rejection builds character and kills fear. Most guys are afraid, that’s just the truth of the matter.

Now you, you seem to be confident and pretty sure in your step and that makes you even more intimidating because of another thing. No matter how little a woman has, most guys try to size themselves up to her and the chance of them approaching her is based on what they think they have to offer. A beautiful woman, who is financially savvy and strongly opinionated = too perfect. This is why you see many girls that aren’t so cute and have nothing going for them being snatched up in droves, guys with low self-esteem feel that they deserve can handle women like that… at least in their minds.

The best guys need more than a hint or a smile

So you are going to have it tough with guys, it’s the nature of the beast. It’s like a scale that we are measured on and when you have too much it is at the loss of something else, us guys are flawed in our thinking and if a guy doesn’t feel that he is rich, he damn sure doesn’t think that he deserves a beautiful woman.

There’s hope though, while you may not like it. You basically have your pick of men, whether you want to believe it or not. Guys are much easier once you get past the shyness or the stupid antics used to hide shyness and you can go out and grab one and he’d play ball with the quickness. Most women don’t want to be the hunter though because it seems out of place and not the way of things, but sometimes the best guys need more than a hint or a smile to let them know that you are into them. Sometimes a man has to be told… sadly.

There is a term for it: Caligynephobia: The fear of beautiful women… it’s a real thing.

See some words or phrases that you don't understand? Check out The Dragon's Lexicon.
  • G

    Thank you for this article. It confirms how I’ve felt about my situation. I couldn’t understand why ugly or average-looking females get snatched up so fast, while beautiful ones remain single. Everyone assumes we are taken because of our looks. Thanks again, I’m printing this out and keeping it as a reminder. Looks like I’ve got to learn to be a hunter lol.

  • LatteLady

    I really can relate to your situation and Greg I do appreciate some guys need more than just a hint, but not all in my experience. The greater issue, post-hinting, in my experience is definitely not only the fear of rejection but fear of falling short physically. I have often found intimidated men to be shy men and men who assume I’d be disappointed with how they look and therefore, won’t make a move. While he thinks he is not good enough for me financially, when that is not the basis on which I assess him, the longing looks from across the room don’t a relationship make. Although it’s not my ideal scenario, I don’t mind giving stronger hints (as long as I’m certain he’s single!) but there is the added anxiety of unintentionally emasculating an already shy &/or intimidated man!

    • I don’t think a woman can ever go wrong for looking back… especially if interested. If the guy is shy it may be encouraging because we men take long looks to be signs of interest. You looking back at him says “yes I’m interested, bring your ass over here and give me a try”, looking away or the obvious “I am not going to look at you” will crush a guy with low self-image issues . The blinders being turned on, or the obvious attempt to avoid eye contact always read 2 things to me, either:
      a. You are shy and so shy that my attempting to talk to you will fail anyway.
      b. You aren’t interested and don’t want me talking to you.

      I think a little bit of a glance goes a long way in this strain. You don’t have to bat your eyes or flip your skirt… Even if your long glance is not intended to be attraction, I seriously doubt that a guy would take it for emasculating if it’s misinterpreted.

  • penguin

    Hi Greg,

    I know this is old, but you say sometimes “the best guys need more than a hint or a smile.” So how much more do they need? Do we need to actually ask them out? flirt and then ask them when they are going to make a move?

    Thanks!

    • If you like a guy, I believe that you don’t have to ask him out, but you can pretty much insert yourself into his face to where his own doubts are no longer an obstacle. Beautiful women have the power when it comes to the initial introduction and if a guy that you want is being so oblivious to the obvious you would do better to just control the situation. An experienced guy (with beautiful women) will pick up on the slightest hint, but if a guy just isn’t getting it, he is either involved, not interested (unlikely), or just plain clueless. I like the “flirt and then ask them when they will make the first move” because it is wide open to them that you’re interested and you want them to make a move. I’ve seen women do this before and it is amazing how fast the guy snaps awake.

      • Jeannie Poliszczuk Patterson

        I have done this in the past. The men acted like I was crazy. One stared at me openly whenever we ran into each other but acted like a scared mouse.

  • cancel

    Thank you for finally getting something through to me so clearly that I never understood before. You would think being attractive, witty, kind and friendly would get you any guy you wanted, but nothing could be further from the truth.
    This was revisited in my life again when I lost 50 lbs. recently (a thyroid issue) and guys of all ages were hitting on me all of the sudden like crazy and I felt like a deer caught in the headlights. I found out that beauty can indeed be a curse. I finally understand. I need to stop blaming myself for the cruelty of others and just continue to enjoy my life, as it is, without becoming bitter and confused.
    I thank God for all my gifts (Of course I have imperfections too, nobody
    is perfect.), I can sing, play and teach music, I love math, science, cars, mechanical reasoning (I’m kind of a tomboy really.) and of course the arts.
    But for some reason, I attract guys who would do everything in their power to get my attention and once they get it and I finally “fall” for and them, they dump me like yesterday’s garbage (The last one I’d been friends with for 12 YEARS!); like all I was is some kind of conquest and not a human being.
    This article is very informative and helpful. I think I’m going to focus on my music career, my family and friends and just put it out of my mind for now, if not forever (the thought of ever finding a loving relationship).
    I’m thankful I have my children; my friends and my talents and that just
    may have to be enough. I don’t ever want to have my heart ripped out and
    stomped on ever, ever again. Guys make great friends, but once that line
    is crossed, they usually no longer want anything to do with me. Thank you
    for your insightful observations — you should teach classes in this!

    Yours truly, Candace Mc

    • Hi Candace, it may be the auto-correct on your computer that made your name into “cancel”, In any event, I love your attitude, and I think that you are choosing the right path in doing for yourself and enjoying life. What’s funny is that many times when we refocus on ourselves that is the time when the good love interests show up… just don’t try too hard, and do what makes you happy. Thanks so much for your kind words. Have a happy Sunday.

  • cancel

    I don’t know why my name shows as “cancel.” I wanted it to be Candace Mc, but I’m afraid computers aren’t something I’m good at. Oh well, at least I got the picture to post…and maybe God is trying to tell me something Cancel? Thats pretty funny! Thanks, Candace Mc

  • Betta Franka

    How old are you, Haseena? Are you in your teens? If so, many people don’t date at that age.

    If you’re past your teens, there are some things you need to know.

    What do you mean by getting “approached”? approached by random guys is supermarkets, streets and parks? Truth us that most men DON’T do that and those that do are usually seen as creepy, so you wouldn’t look at them twice.

    If you mean approached as in getting asked out, you gotta know that for every beautiful woman there’s a handsome confident men. The ones that won’t be asking you out are the unconfident ones, and it’s not like you care about them. If no guy at all shows interest in you, it’s because your sending wrong vibes or something is wrong with your personality, the whole “guys are intimidated by my [insert noun here]” it’s just an excuse people make up because they are afraid to see what’s really happening.

  • Dakota

    I always questioned why is when I do my hair really nice, do my make-up all cute and wear flattering clothes….no men approach me, but when I just be kind of basic,wear jeans and a rshiry put my hair in a pony tail and wear little to no make upguys seem to have more compliments for me. I never got it unroll I read a few of your articles. Thank you.

    • You’re very welcome, Dakota. I plan to do some more helpful articles like this and include opinions from men and women I know of all walks of life. Thanks so much for reading and commenting.

    • Lisa Jones

      totally agree with this. as long as i look remotely nice..no guy’s interested..its weird. The only time guys hit on me, no joke I looked like I hadn’t showered in a long time. disheveled hair it was bad. Then some guys whistled at me..im like ok guys these days like repulsive…they really do. if you look even remotely pretty the moronic men today won’t like

      • alex chalker

        That’s simple, for me at least. I want a girl that I can just relax with, someone who is chill and confident and knows that I like her the way she is, and someone who likes herself the way she is. If I see a girl who looks nice but not dressed up, I assume that she is a more relaxed girl, who is confident and doesn’t feel the need to wear ridiculous clothing and a bunch of disgusting make up to look to feel she looks good and I appreciate her natural beauty. If I see a girl all done up, I assume she is a high-maintenace, less chill, more always worrying about how she looks. Less just relaxing and being happy and more stressing because she is taking forever to get ready. Plus if one is wearing make up, I have no idea what she looks like without it, I could wake up next to a totally different person. Where as with a natural girl, I know what I’m getting into. I know a lot of it is assumptions and probably not true for everyone, but thats why I’d prefer a girl who looks like she doesn’t care so much. It’s just easier, and I feel I’d get along with her better, as well as the fact that knowing a girl is confident in herself and the way she naturally looks, is so much hotter then a girl who feels that she is ugly without putting in a massive effort.

      • Lisa Jones

        when i go out–in general and look ‘presentable’ i look average..im comfortable and ‘relaxed’ like every other person out there..but when i look weird and creepy..i dont expect men to like that. I think men like disgusting or repulsive…im not sure what u mean. Many ugly women do themselves up more b/c they have to do that in order to look nicer…naturally pretty women or women in general don’t go out ‘done up’..unless theyre going to some kind of an event

  • Jeannie Poliszczuk Patterson

    I once was on a dating site for older people…I got almost 1,000 emails in the first 1-2 weeks, yet when I was able to weed through to find local men who fit my criteria (not overly stringent) & who sent phone numbers, after writing them back & asking for an appropriate time to call them, 95% did not answer or call/write back, the few who did answer didn’t set up even a meet for coffee & seemed shocked. One man wrote me a letter saying he would love to go out w/ me but I must have 10 dates already. I wrote him back & told him, no it was zero, he seemed nice & was nice looking, etc. I would be happy to meet for coffee, he kept saying no I can’t meet you. I ended up w/ zero dates after paying for one month & the oddest behavior from men. “You must be taken”, “Where were you last night”, bla bla bla. I think these men watch so much porn that they think any attractive woman is having wild sex everywhere w/ everyone. Forget about bending over backwards to be nice to other women who hate on you just for breathing.

    • crazygemini12

      Oh my goodness-same! The more done up I am, the less I’m approached but if I leave the house wearing overalls with unwashed hair, I get bothered.

  • Georgia Hawkins

    Hi im very happy to have came apon this article. So i guess this is my reason for filling lonly not fitting in so to speek. Its just not fair that women should feel this way I go out of my way to be extra nice to people because i want them to like me but all i get is hate from most and stairs from all well thank you sir for the enlightment but i cant change my stripes for any one I guess thus is the cost of Being me

    • Jabez Tomer

      do you think you’re beautiful?
      is that why you posted a picture of yourself?

      • Fielyn

        She’s very beautiful, and like all human beings, she should be able to express herself or post a picture without people like you challenging her just cause you think otherwise or you resent her freedom. What really matters is what’s on the inside, and when it comes to that, clearly she has a lot more to offer than your resentful self.

      • Jabez Tomer

        then if she wants to present her inner beauty shouldn’t she be writing a book? I think she’s ugly. However I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being ugly. I think you think there’s something wrong with being ugly, that’s why you’re writing this, because it’s an inner turmoil for you..I think there’s power in being ugly. it makes you do other things than stare at yourself in the mirror all day. you can go be creative and become a thinker. most thinkers were the ugliest people ever. there’s nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is if you are ugly and you think you’re beautiful and post pictures of yourself presenting yourself as a diva. that’s just outright narcissism and there’s nothing beautiful or powerful about that. it’s just delusional people, and they don’t have inner beauty, nor outer beauty.
        also, you don’t know me, and your your judgement of my personality based on a simple question is as worthy to me as dried leaves that has been urinated on in summer.
        good day Fielyn. I hope I never have to deal with you in real life.

      • Fielyn

        Wow. Pen’s mightier than the sword, eh? You really won that battle with your well-worded flatulence. What I, or any decent person should have a problem with is someone trying to destroy someone else’s confidence because they’re jealous. Only a weak person does that, as your weak argument proves. You’re a weak person with weak logic and in reality you can’t stand to see someone else be stronger than you so you try to break them down. Its your opinion of her looks that makes you especially think she has no right to assert herself as beautiful. You’re jealous, you’re resentful, and you’re wrong. She doesn’t have to answer to you or anyone about how she feels about herself, and you thinking you have a right to put her down or question her esteem makes you a mentally sick person. And you’re not as smart as you think you sound. To even a mildly intelligent person, you’re extremely weak. But in your tradition, there’s nothing wrong with weakness, as long as you know your place. I pity you because for the rest of your life you’ll be dealing with yourself, I’d rather spend the rest of my life rolling around in that bed of piss leaves you you so “creatively” thought up. Ta.

      • datfuckadatroll

        Fielyn shut the duck up and gag a black clock.

      • samefuckadatrollchildishmothaf

        *Fuck

  • grkorbel

    As a guy I can attest to the fact that venustraphobia–the pathological fear of beautiful wome–is real. My guess is it has its roots in two experiences: the first, a humiliating rejection by a beautiful girl early in our lives and after several such rejections the belief that one is simply not appealing enough to be found attractive by an unusually attractive female.

    I think, from my own experience, it’s a curable disease and the cure is simply realizing that behind the beautiful eyes and to-die-for features there is another human being who, as we all do from time to time, experiences that “alone-and-afraid-in-a-world-I-never-made” sense of isolation.

    It eventually occurred to me that the beautiful woman who seems so approachable may be masking, behind that smile, a sadness, loss, disappointment, or just having a bad day and even a few simple words may make her day.

    There is a story of an old man who as a child was hiding from the Nazis. it was bitterly cold. A Rabbi had a woolen coat on, took it off, and placed it on the child saying “My sweet little one… .” The old man said that had happened 70 years ago but he could still feel the warmth of that coat.

    We all need that every so often–even heads of state.

    If men could look past the beauty and just let a beautiful woman knows he really sees her, not just the beauty but the person, and say something kind or uplifiting, who knows? It may make her day and if you never see her again, she may remember you for the rest of her life.

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