Sep 07

couple in bed

Not every man is looking to run away from children, hell many men daydream about having 2 or 3 bambinos running around, living the legacy and asking for money (just kidding).

Now there are some men who have real issues with getting their ladies pregnant that are clinical (you know who you are) – this article is not for you as this is more fun than informative. Now if you aim to find that ultimate woman to bear your fruit and are in need of a few steps to make sure it happens – consider the following list:

1. Make Sure you’re Firing Live Rounds

Many men neglect this step out of fear that the doctor will give us the bad news that we aren’t meant to ever have children. But if you’re serious about knocking up that celebrity chick or rich girl that you’re seeing in a month or 2, go ahead and get that checked out.

2. Avoid Contraception At All Costs

Look to the scoundrels of the man race for this one because they have mastered the art of skipping protection. Good sources would be “Kevin from around the way” who has 26 kids, or Scumbag Larry from College who made a name for himself by mastering the art of Coitus Interuptus. These gentlemen will often use phrases such as:

  • When it comes to busting a chick, part of the fun is rolling the dice. No condoms, no questions!
  • I don’t have time for condoms, let’s get it!

Of course I’m joking about all this because I would hope that if you do intend on getting your woman pregnant that she is well aware of your intentions… if she isn’t then you sir are a bastard, but take these rules however you wish.

3. Don’t Have Sex with Career-Driven Women

If you look at the statistics when it comes to women and conceiving, you should notice that the career-driven, business types are having at most 1 child whereas the unsuccessful women are ridiculously fertile. So stop going to the meet and greets from the office to find your future baby mama and aim lower for a more dependent woman. Part of the reason for this may be the attention to detail that the career woman has – she may have already taken measures to prevent random pregnancy and will be more likely to double up on sexual protection.

4. Finish first and stay in it as long as you can

Gentlemen need not apply! The guys who get their girls pregnant aren’t giving a damn about making sure she busts twice before they finish. No! You get yours my man, you pump a few times and then exclaim “aaaaaggaagagaahhhh… sorry” as you finish up. 

When you ejaculate it may drive you crazy to do so but you may want to “lay up in it” for a while. Make sure you’re on top and keep her on her back as this is the best position for your little explorers to find the light. Men can get away with this by taking the time to spoon it up a little bit – whispering in her ear and seeing if you can summon the strength to bring her to climax semi-flaccid (beast mode!)

* * * *

So don’t ever say I haven’t taught you anything about being a real douchebag, because the above rules will see you through to knocking up any woman that is primed and ready. Of course this is all in jest despite the reality of the advice given. Always remember to strap up when sleeping with strange women and keep the world a tad bit better by not contributing to the spread of STDs and illegitimate, hungry children.

See some words or phrases that you don't understand? Check out The Dragon's Lexicon.
  • anonymous

    There are 6 steps. You forgot:
    5. You must be completely unable to support yourself, let alone a woman and a child.
    6. A serious drug problem is a must. I’m not talking about the occasional joint, it has to be something you either snort or inject on a daily basis. Insulin does not count

    Also… “aaaaaggaagagaahhhh… sorry” LOL!

  • I had to go back and re-read this article bc I was thinking “what the hell are you talking about Greg?!?” lmao