Aug 21

happy black woman

What is it about some of us women, who once we meet the “love of our life”, we drop our association with “old friends”? I have a girlfriend whom I have spent many wonderful, hours with. Although we do not live in the same city, we used to make time visiting with each other and it was a special treat. We would shop, get spa treatments, workout, chat and laugh for hours, and discover new restaurants together.

Don’t get me wrong, I am happy that she (and others of you who might be guilty) has found love; however, what I don’t appreciate is the ad-hoc call you get once in a blue moon, filled with excuses, and then the bearing of the soul to get some reassurance, or to provide a shoulder to cry on.

I will be the first to encourage making your relationship a priority, and to take great care in being available to your honey. After all, it is important to spend quality time. But damn, does that mean being all up in each other’s face 24/7? Or are you? There are very few men I know who wants a “sticky” woman. There is nothing sexy about being too available. What’s the saying?“….absence makes the heart grow fonder?”

One of the things I have come to appreciate about my man is, I don’t have to rearrange my schedule or my life to fit him in. He is secure enough to do him while I do me; often times with my girls. Considering that we don’t see each other every day, it is tempting to cancel a planned jog, or event.

I guess it all boils down to balance. Often this behavior is carried over to when children come into the picture, and a woman allows herself to become consumed as a mother, to the point that her man feels neglected and left out. Happiness flourishes with self-actualization.  Develop your individual self so you can be whole to share… Don’t lose your essential self.

Live, love, laugh.
Dr. Carly.

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  • When this happens with guys there is normally a fallout that isn’t too pretty when the offender is single again. The only time I’ve been guilty of this was in College when I was at my girl’s apartment all the time and spent little to no time with my boys who I used to hang with 7 days of the week. I got called out on it hardcore after she graduated and I found myself kicking it again. Luckily for me I’ve learned balance and it is not that hard to do actually.

    This is how falling in love is though Dr. Carly and I think with many people it wears off after the honeymoon period and people shed their representative for reality. I would urge friends to be patient before writing that person off as a goner being that they have only gone temporarily insane for their lover. Balance IS essential but people who haven’t been in love much will not be able to help themselves.

    Now of course we know some frequent offenders who do this with every man/woman they meet… now these are the people we cut loose. It is extremely annoying to have a member of the clique vanish only to call you once in a blue moon to catch up!

  • Hey Dragon,

    I appreciate your take on the issue, and must admit I had to smile a little at your confession of having fallen victim to the same. Yes, men are no always so different, are they?? It is sad though that there is such a thing as a “honeymoon” period to relationships. These highs and lows, feast and famine types of mentality leads to behavioral inconsistencies, dissatisfaction, and eventual loss of interest.

    As you so correctly stated, balance is not so hard to maintain but only if we are honest with ourself and our love interest. Falling in love does unfathomable things to our brain, heart, and psyche; anyhow we behave as a result is a rainbow of differences. (sigh!!) Continue to Live, Love, Laugh.

  • A relationship can sour quickly when one party or both parties feel like smothering is taking place. Many times, when one party in a relationship wants to always stay up under the person he or she is in a relationship with, deep insecurities are at play. I very much enjoyed this piece.

    • Thank you Antonio,

      You are so right. Insecurities bear sour fruits of jealousy, suspicion, controlling behaviors, manipulation – you name it. I say we need to get over it! Even babies get over separation anxiety, and soon learns a missing parent turns up eventually. Children flourish in their independence. When did we lose that as adults??!!!