Dear Dragon, I am an energetic individual that happens to love sex. I have been going out with a girl for almost a year now and I am the romantic type—I love to randomly bring flowers, cook dinners, take her out places, and all of the above. When we started dating, my girl was getting drunk all of the time and since we originally met at a bar we continued to go out to bars—where she would get drunk. When she drinks she drinks a lot and then becomes very sexual with me. It was amazing, we were doing it before bed, she would wake me up in the night for it…you get the picture.
Recently things have changed. She has confessed to me that when she was younger she got sexually molested, so she is very uncomfortable with sex. We haven’t slept together in a very long time and I am concerned. It’s been so long and we still go out to bars but she is no longer sexual. I’ve sat her down numerous times and told her that I understand her predicament but sex is a necessity for me. I’ve told her that maybe she should see a therapist about everything that has happened and that it may help her. She said that she is attracted to me, and that she loves messing around, but when we get past a certain point she stops, sometimes even when we are kissing she will randomly stop and have this horrible look on her face. She explained to me that she has flash backs and feels dirty. What the hell do I do?
I cannot go on without having sex, and it’s been an extremely long time. Other that this we get along better then amazing. People always stop us to tell us how perfect we are together and how they can see how much we’re in love. She is and has been my dream girl except for this problem and I am well aware that it isn’t her fault. I would feel horrible leaving her for something she had to go through like such a horrible experience, but I am starting to feel the pressure. If I leave her it will crush me, if I stay with her and I don’t get any…well I’m afraid. Please help asap!!! – Chad
Hey Chad, if you truly love your girlfriend—love, not lust—you will stop pressuring her for sex right now. It sucks to be in a sexless relationship but having been with her for nearly a year and only experiencing sex when she’s drunk out of her mind, means that you really have not had a meaningful sexual relationship with her at all. In fact it sounds like she’s surrendered her vagina to you long enough to keep you interested and then explained her situation in hopes of you understanding. You are in a terrible predicament because as you know leaving or staying—and asking for sex—you will end up as the bad guy.
If I were you and she was indeed my dream girl, I would take matters “into my own hand” for awhile and take it easy with her. She probably has PTSD from childhood and therapy isn’t always the answer—but it does help. You need to come at this from a different angle than wanting to screw her brains out and get yours. You need to come at it from an angle of wanting the love of your life to heal a bit more, love and understand that you are there for her as her man, and whether or not she has sex with you, you will be there. Don’t do this in hopes of her “softening up” and letting you in, but because you actually give a damn.
Would you fire guns around someone that has experienced war and can’t stand the sound of gunshots anymore? No, you wouldn’t, so stop with the pressure and help her to find some help. If you do feel that your relationship was more about you being with her sexually than you being with her emotionally then do you and her a favor and start walking. I know that based on your condition it may come off as more than it really is to everyone else, but you have to realize that it is a deep wound that you keep reopening.
Think about these things and what you want moving forward and make a decision. She will not come around to going back to having drunk sex, and you cannot guilt her into forgetting the scars of rape. Love her or leave her alone Chad. Some people stay with partners that get limbs amputated, that have permanent erectile dysfunction, or get 3rd degree burns on their body. Do you have that kind of love to put yourself aside to ride it out for her, or do you need a fully functioning sexpot? Think on this and make a decision. You cannot “save” her by sticking around pressuring her for sex, but you can be a friend to her even if it means that you two are no longer together as an item.
Thanks for trusting me to give my opinion on the matter. My heart goes out to your girl and I hope the man or woman that did this to her is burning in the seventh layer of hell or on their way there. Good luck!See some words or phrases that you don't understand? Check out The Dragon's Lexicon.