Jul 09

woman in white

I am lucky to know many beautiful women in my life and I will say that when you are blessed with looks you are forced to command the type of treatment the world will give you because by default it will be negative.

Hate is the way of society, it just is; if you have money you are called greedy by those who don’t and if you are famous you are labeled abnormal or a weirdo through rumor and gossip. This crabs in a bucket mentality of people forces them to tear someone down who is better in any degree in order to normalize them.

For this – a beautiful woman is automatically viewed a s a bitch, a whore, a man-stealer, stuck-up, dumb, lazy… I can keep going. I have sat in conversations where someone was unnecessarily labeled like this by someone who was obviously jealous of them and it was just sad.

When I originally wrote The Curse of Being a Beautiful Woman I did not expect the wonderful response that it has been receiving by women who have lived through this hell or are actively living through it right now. When I look at the responses it saddens me to see than many women have not figured out that many of this offense can be curbed by becoming what our own Nadia labels a Spartanite.

Beautiful Women are Hated; Beautiful Queens are Worshiped

One of the beautiful women I know is a family member of mine; she is such a sweetheart that nobody can easily talk bad about her but she is also one of the strongest women I know.

When men come at her with ridiculous, unwanted advances she doesn’t shoot them down harshly and I still cannot understand how it works – but it does. A frequent exchange would be along the lines of:

Herb: “damn baby you are so fine, how about you let me buy those groceries for you?”

Beauty: “oh you are too much but I’ve got it; you gotta be an independent woman these day y’know”

And though this may lead to some worthless conversation for her as she checks out her groceries and leaves; the guy is both thankful that his brush-off was done nicely but he feels rewarded for having been given some time by a beautiful woman.

If you think that this is either bull or won’t work for you – consider that this lady is now in her 50’s; has always operated this way; and has never had an incident go beyond her control. She commands her audience ladies and as a beauty it is what you have to do. Brush us off lightly, you are not allowed to be a “bitch”.

Never sell yourself short

You commented here on the Hall on a thread about Beauty so in your own eyes you know and feel that you are part of this category; so why pretend otherwise? A confident woman is both intimidating and admirable at the same time and the world expects a beauty to embrace her gift so why deny it?

If you think that owning up to your looks will make you come off as a stuck up narcissist you are very wrong. Not owning up to it will make you look like a cocky beauty trying poorly to play coy and it will yield you even more negative resentment.

Part of the reason we adore Angelina Jolie on this site is for that very reason. She has many haters but the way she carries herself, head up high, defiant glance at the world and a smile on her face – forces you to respect her beauty despite all the rocks you throw at her throne.

It is the epitome of the logos at the bottom of the site, one being the “dapper don” which is the extraordinary gentleman and the other being the “boss bitch” which is a woman that cannot be shaken in her confidence, beauty and self-image.

Beautiful women become easy prey if they show weakness to the world so why not smile, be nice but firm and face the world as the idol that they expect you to be? Even trying it will yield you much better results than the victim role trust me because everyone has an opinion about beauty, but few will go at an Angelina Jolie Spartanite to her face. You can bet on that.

See some words or phrases that you don't understand? Check out The Dragon's Lexicon.
  • Jojo

    I have used the gentle dismissal technique and it works a lot of the time. Then there are those men who won’t take no for an answer. Now I use the firm refusal technique. I don’t try to be kind. Because some people will take that kindness with a glimmer of hope. I did the gentle dismissal with a guy for several months who persisted and eventually became my boyfriend. Even after we broke up, I tried the nice, gentle dismissal. Now I am firm and I feel better because I am not putting someones needs and self esteem above my own.

    I think the formula is being firm, standing your ground, but not showing visible anger or annoyance.

    There are two sides to every coin and negative/positive aspect to most things. I was depressed when I focused on the negative aspects of beauty. But that is a choice and an attitude. It is something that should be corrected and worked on. If you can think negative thoughts about your beauty, you can think negative thoughts about anything. It’s your thoughts that must be controlled.

    Many attractive people are underdeveloped mentally. I have had a beautiful friend comment on why an attractive man had an average wife. She identified strongly with her beauty, and placed it above her inner beauty. We are nearly 30, so I feel it is past time for a mental upgrade.

    When I watched Naomi Campbell on Oprah, I knew exactly why she carried anger and why she had little self control. A beautiful woman in a beauty -based industry who was lauded simply for her outward appearance, who never did Inner spiritual work. The result? A woman over 40 throwing phones and beating up assistants.

    Personally I am working on not focusing or thinking about my looks. I haven’t worn makeup for a while and am taking out my hair extensions. Lol it sounds silly but it is important for me to look inward these days.

    • McThick

      I <3 Jojo. 🙂

      Being told up front, in no uncertain terms stings a bit, but is WAY better in the long term. If the guy you're firm and direct with doesn't get that you're telling him to expend his energy elsewhere, he's a moron.

      Also, if he rises up and tries to shame you for rejecting him, please look at it as proof that you were right.

      • Jojo

        Thanks McThick

        I read the other thread on beautiful women and I felt the exact way a lot of the beauties on there did. I still sometimes feel negative about being attractive. I have gone through jealous friends, being isolated by other women, predator men and so on. BUT, I refuse to be a victim. I have to take responsibility for myself, my actions, and my life. I have friends who are I guess, not so beautiful, but they are some of the most beautiful people INSIDE. Warm and energetic. And that is what I want. I ask God all the time now to make me a virtuous woman, and he is allowing me to go through some serious trials right now, but I believe it will make me a better woman when I get through them. I look at myself as a diamond in the rough, and all the pressures are just going to shine me up eventually.

        It is tough to admit that you are lacking in emotional or spiritual intelligence, and easy to blame everybody else for your problems.

        Sometimes I still get down about being considered attractive and not having as many friends or being single. I’ll get embarrassed when I see my peers getting married and having kids, while I’m just sitting at home alone. But then when I think about how depressed and negative I can get, and I ask myself “Who wants to be around that?”

        The posts on the negative side of beauty are valid. Yes, men and women will treat you differently. But there should be some positive discourse on this as well, on how to take charge of yourself and your life.

      • minelva

        Wow your post is speaking to me I feel the same way..I have now been putting my focus on God due to a horrible experience I had where I realized after that a man was using me to sleep with me. I took my time with him and I know Iam a good woman. He was caring sweet attentive and after we slept together. He no longer called as much made me feel stupid on a regular and just wanted me to feel bad. I know if I had paid better attention I could have avoided this but I just did not see it coming. I too just work and come home alone..my friends the few girls I have are married and having babies. It hurts because I feel and thought it would be me. And every where people tell me how pretty Iam and sometimes Iam happy inside most times I want to die or scream cuz to them it’s like a gift but they don’t know how hard it is. Anyway your post resonant with me because I feel the same. I know building my connection with God will get me through this..

  • Shlls

    Confidence is SOOOO important….some guys actually try to make you feel insecure and chip away at your confidence level because that is the only way they feel they will have a chance with you. Puhthetic. The good guys that see you as a queen, will gladly put you on a pedestal.

    • Wrong. The real “good guys” will rather show or prove that he is equal to her.

      Only those who is insecure would put her on a pedestal and make her look like a goddess.

      • Jojo

        I agree with this. I dislike when a guy treats me as if he was beneath me. I feel like Im not safe with him.

  • I don’t understand this statement: “Not owning up to it will make you look like a cocky beauty trying poorly to play coy and it will yield you even more negative resentment.”
    Does that mean if I don’t care nor realize how “physically proportionate” I am, that people will hate me for not knowing that I’m superficially beautiful?
    So people hate me for being beautiful and they hate me for not realizing that I’m beautiful!
    I’m dieing laughing right about now.

    • Greg Dragon

      Yup it’s a “damned if you do…” situation because the world sees you as a perfect creature with privilege. To act as if you are not aware of such privilege (even if you are being genuine) people take it as an act. I’ve seen it so many times and have been guilty of it myself in the past when you regard a beautiful woman and because she isn’t smiling, batting her eyes or being engaging it comes off as something completely different.

      Now the one thing I don’t intend with this article is for women to read that as a cry for you to bow to the will of the hateful masses but it is an observation of how things look to an outsider. I bet you have had more than a few times where a man or woman will say “I didn’t know you were so cool”, or “I thought you were xyz when I first met you” and this is why.

      Beauty breeds a whole host of preconceived notions.

      • You have a very interesting perspective.

        I’m a very reserved person around most people. I only open up if I want to be friends with someone. I keep up my guard with men at all times because I don’t know what their motivations are.

        Most people think I’m stuck up because I don’t flirt with men – and a few people say they think I act like I’m better than people.

        This view about me has really bothered me my whole life. I’m really a nice person and don’t go around picking fights with people.

        I honestly don’t go around loving the way I look every minute of the day – I don’t think about it unless I’m looking in the mirror – like washing my hands in the bathroom, or getting dressed in the morning.

        Do you think that is why some people think I’m basically a “conceited bitch?”

      • camilla

        “Beauty breeds a whole host of preconceived notions.”

        Because society is sick and people are mentally ill. This is all because of this wacky Western patriarchy that we live in. Where women are still second class and objectified and forced to compete with each other, while men feel entitled to women’s bodies and see beautiful women as things to be possessed. SMDH. Write an article about that.

      • McThick

        “Forced to compete”?!

        I got news for you, sweetheart, every one of us, men and women, are forced to compete with each other all the time. For food, employment, money, love. We even compete for good spots at a parade! Thinking that competition for acceptance and love is a fight only for women is preposterous…as are most feminist arguments. How, exactly, are you second class? Are you upset that your door-holding muscles are underdeveloped? Perhaps the quadruple-sized women’s section available in most department stores makes you tired, or the vast selection causes you to have anxiety attacks. I know, I bet that not having to buy a drink or pay for your own dinner has really hurt your ability to visualize the huge amount of cash sitting dormant in your checking account.

        FFS, you are not the center of the universe.

      • camilla

        I said women are second class. Not beautiful women are second class. Not sure how you could deny that, when many women regardless of looks suffer horribly around the world. Next you will deny white privilege.

  • I totally agree with the content of this article. Excellent information to all beautiful women. Being too friendly does not work for a beautiful woman. It’s a thin line between victim and bitch.

  • Another true article… People will judge me, but would never know what I have been through. I always walk with my head up, and carry on knowing that life will not drag me down… I can’t do a thing about anyone else’s insecurities. I have to take care of me. I have never demanded that a man do anything for me, and honestly non have. I might be beautiful, and independent, but I have always refused to lay on my back to get what I need or want, or manipulate anyone into or out of something. I have even gotten flack for that, but no matter. There are good people in the world that look past the outer and the more you just love you and how God made you, you will in turn draw honest decent people to you. Confidence, patience and honesty.

  • camilla

    it takes time and experience for most women to love and embrace themselves, beautiful or not. But here’s the thing, if someone chooses to disrespect me because I am beautiful, that’s on them. Some people will disrespect you regardless. In my grad school I just tried to mind my business and get through school but made such a stir without trying. People would be mad at me for no reason. If I didn’t say hi to them they would be mad. If I said hi sometimes they would ignore me and be rude. Folks would be all up in business trying to find out about me. The best thing for me has been to stop caring. That’s when you give off that Angelina Jolie vibe. Hold your head up high, be kind to yourself and others and let it go.

  • camilla

    The moral of the story is that most people in America are SHALLOW.

  • Maryse

    I’ll paraphrase Camilla: The moral of the story is that most people in FRANCE are SHALLOW.

  • Miss love

    So I took the advice given in this article…and my life has really improved. I was the one who tried to hide and downplay my beauty and was surprised to incur the wrath of many of my peers. Now I’m owning it, really accepting myself and my gifts and it truly has changed my relationships with people. It’s so easy to complain but this some real solid advice that works.

  • Zazu

    I have found that women are much more difficult to handle than men. Something about me causes almost all men to treat me with respect. Even if they are trying to talk to me, they tend to be on their best behavior. It is women who are unbelievable hateful. I think that exceptional beauty instinctively triggers the flight or fight stress response in most women. I believe that this is a deep fear of (most often imagined) competition. Some women who feel this fear can handle it better than others. I have experienced almost primal reactions from women I barely know. They become desperate to find ways to belittle, demean and undermine you. The more you block their negativity, the more you thrive and shine, the more determined and obnoxious they become. It is sad how much negative energy some women will expend just to make themselves feel momentarily better. I have watched women make utter fools of themselves while trying to make me look bad. I decided long ago that I simply won’t allow that to happen. There is nothing they can do to me.

  • Stacie

    It’s interesting how few comments this article has compared to the hundreds on “The Curse of Being a Beautiful Woman”.
    But I get it. When you are frustrated and going through the pain of being a target based on something as petty as looks, it hurts. And on too of that, being discriminated against due to gorgeous looks garners little sympathy. So many beautiful women will find few allies to lean on. One may ask, why don’t they lean on each other? I quickly found out through life experience that your everyday beautiful woman usually has low self esteem, and while she may claim to be suffering from being bullied by less attractive women or insecure men, she still carries the same insecurities passed down over generations of women living in a masculine, male-dominated world. The low self esteem of women collectively is a key component which allows it to continue. So don’t expect other beautiful women to comfort you because they are usually too busy competing with you.
    Although I used to never compliment myself or feel beautiful in any way, I do now. I do so in response to the negativity I have faced with regards to my appearance. Having been kicked down figuratively and even literally by people I have met over the years, including my own father, I realized I had reached a point where I was an accomplice in my own suffering. I was a victim, powerless against the big bad wolves in my life. Once you get to that place it’s really all downhill from there. A choice has to be made. Are you really innocent and everyone else is guilty? Or are you just as capable of the same hate, jealousy, sadness, depression, powerlessness, competiveness, and bullying that has been inflicted upon you? For me it was the latter. It’s true that it feels unfair that your flaws are more noticeable to people around you if YOU yourself are noticeable. Whether you stand out due to your skin color or your appearance. But it is what it is. Accepting reality is a very powerful thing. Accepting yourself is equally powerful. If your beauty is causing negative things and situations in your life, try accepting your own beauty. It’s interesting because as humans, we live in the past or future and rarely embrace the present moment. We often choose to complain about the present moment and wonder why we are miserable. Accepting your beauty, your talents and your blessings is a very Godly thing to do. We are told that it would be vanity to do so by the very people who would step on us and over us for the nearest plastic surgeon, hot guy, great career, big house, expensive weave and beautiful clothes. We are told it’s vanity to accept your own beauty by people who truly could not care less about our health and happiness. How can they, when it is clear that they don’t care about their own. These men who degrade beautiful women are the same men who would quickly jump in bed with one if given the opportunity. Often they hope that you would feel so desperate for love that you would. If anything, I want beautiful women out there who are going through it to remember that people are animals still. Always remember that! Make it a point to understand people, along with yourself. And don’t be afraid to let your own animal nature come through too sometimes, especially the part that looks out for your OWN well-being.

    • A beautiful, true, and helpful comment Stacie. I am going to repost this as an article so that it can reach more people. thanks so much for sharing.

    • minelva

      Powerful post I saved it because Iam trying to become emotionally stronger. I can get very weak and don’t stand up for myself enough.

  • E

    Thank you! I’m going to try this advice myself. Being beautiful doesn’t inspire loyalty or sympathy. I have no real friends because the people I thought were my friends were actually competing with me without me realising it and once I did I severed the friendships immediately. I don’t want fake friends or toxic people in my life. I had thought to try and downplay my beauty at one point to try to get people to look at what was underneath instead, but then I realised, why should I have to in order for people to accept me? So I went searching for advice like this and from now on I’m going to hold my head up high instead of feeling like a victim. I should like to be able to form some real friendships in the future.

    • minelva

      I agree and understand

  • Anagalia

    Thank you! I ran across your site. I am going to take your advice myself. I have always been hated from girls and women from the time I started school age 6 years old. Being that young I didn’t know why the girls hated me so much! I was nice to them. I never got into arguments or fights ever with these girls and women that hate me. I have been called all sorts of names from these girls and women all my life. Especially when I became an adult it worsen really bad from women. That is when the hate really kicked in from these women. I tried my best to be friends with women. That I would over do it as I see right now. I did almost everything for them. I even helped them with their make up and hair. I always complimented on them that came from my heart the truth. I was at their beck and call. I did this all my life just to have a woman friend. Then the woman friend all of a sudden would get rid of our friendship. I come to find out with these women friends. They had gotten a new man in their life, before that they were single. Found out that the women friends think I was a threat to their new man. But, when these women friends are single they are my friends once again. I finally woke up to this. I will not disrespect myself any more just to have a woman friend. I have plenty of Guy friends all my life. We are just friends they respect me. I believe the reason that my Guy friends respect me is due to when we become friends I let them know where they stand. I tell them from the start I respect you, no sexual involvement whatsoever. You are to respect me. If you think that you cannot respect me, no sexual involvement then we cannot be friends. I continue to have a lot of Guys friends in my life. Before I meet my Soul Mate I had a lot of Guys with hot bodies and hot looks just perfect to me. Then I found my Soul Mate a long 22 years ago. He is so hot and tall, built, great personality with respect! We were together for 20 years. My Sould Mate died suddenly at his home from a brain Aneurysm 2 years ago. When he passed. It feels like a part of me went with him. I don’t want no one else.He was very good to me and my son. He and I were inseparable. I just do not have the desire for anyone else since his passing. Yes, I did go out to dinner on 4 dates since my Soul Mate passed. I went out with one Guy 2 times even got to meet his children and family. We all got a long well except for his 13 year old daughter.She was not getting all of his attention like she did before. She would make negative comments to her Father. I kept my mouth shut due to that is his daughter not mine. It is not my place to correct her. He corrected her of course she hated me ever since.Then one day we were together at his home she would never leave us alone in a room together. I felt the tension when she is in the room with us. I made my mind up his daughter may think I am going to take her Father away from her. I feel she should of known better she was 14 years old. But, then again, we all grow up differently. She may not of been able to process I am not taking her Father away from her. Long story short, I broke up with him. I thought about his daughter, I felt it was in the best interest of his daughter. This is the last man that we really got along well in every aspect. I apologize for such a long comment.
    Have A Wonderful Day!

    • Tanya Donchaknow Douglas

      You are a giving and wonderful person and you are beautiful on the inside as well .be encouraged sis , God made no mistakes when he made you and keep your beautiful spirit and allow love into your life you are WORTH IT! Hope your life only gets better.

  • Hilda

    The part I dislike is “you are not allowed to be a bitch”. Men love bitches. Men love a woman who doesn’t put up with b.s. Beautiful women who are nice or try to be nice to get people to like them or not abuse them tend to get mistreated anyway.

  • Woman of God

    So as a bbeautiful woman we should show it to the world and smile more? My problem is people label me as the nice girl and treat me bad or use me anyway. And if I get up set Iam treated as angry black woman.

    • Mummy

      Damned if you do….

  • Endangered Species

    Yeah being polite works great until the man follows you out to your car and won’t stop harassing you because he takes your responding to him kindly as reciporocated interest. The unfortunate reality is we have to be bitches whether or not we want to be in order to keep people from crossing boundaries and becoming stalkers, or even violent against us. As lovely as her response sounds, as a woman who has tried that and failed, the reality is that this world is an extremely dangerous place for beautiful women and it is not our job to put ourselves in danger by being polite just to further stroke a strange man’s delicate ego.

  • The Man With A Big Heart

    Good article.

  • Mummy

    Thank you