May 15

happy guy talking to girl

Don’t you hate nosy people? I know I do. Many of us men come up being extremely private to the point where we turn off family members and friends just by the amount of silence we keep about our love lives. Oft times this code of silence comes from being burnt one too many times by big-mouthed people who make us feel uncomfortable for our preferences and choices throughout our dating lives. Having dated a number of different women from across the spectrum of race, style and class – I know all too well the comments and hurtful jokes that gets thrown at single men for their choices.

When I was in college I dated a number of light-skinned black girls, not because that was my thing, but because they were the ones who were talking back to me. You know the game denizens, hell if you read my articles enough, you know why this is. No matter how much we like to think that we are in control – women choose to be with men, not the other way around. Light-skinned birds were choosing, and man did I catch hell for it.

I had friends calling me all sorts of nonsense, not to mention my being in martial arts lead to people assuming that I was going to fly out to Korea and bag any woman that made the mistake of smiling at me. Drove me absolutely nuts and I could not live it down.

Being young at the time and guilty of actually giving a damn, I started to hide my girlfriends opting to not introduce them to the boys and if she so happened to be of Asian descent – no way would they ever know. See us guys break each others balls HARD, and if you show any form of weakness they do more than break em, they completely crush them.

I have a buddy who we used to clown a lot that he had a thing for Latin women… we’re in Florida so it’s not as if that’s a far-fetched notion. But still he took it as an offense, the same way I did about the girls I was with in school. One particular girl used to flirt with him at our get-togethers and since they were both single, it was natural to everyone that something was going to come of it. But when the women in attendance started to break his balls about her to him, it became too much – he was done. The cute flirtatious banter that used to occur between them ceased as he chose instead to ignore her; his dating life became a mystery as the nosy married people would press for answers and he would shrug it off or flat out lie. It was a bit sad but having been there I understood, they had broken him like so many other single men whose lives became the talk of the mostly married party.

“I think its the kind of thing though with people in established marriages or relationships when they have the ‘single’ friend. It can be a very uncomfortable environment because they make you feel like you have to cater your dating to ‘their’ expectations” – Dan

This is one of the reasons why single people tend to avoid a lot of married fellowships that involve the token chatty wife, or the frat-boy husband. Dating is tough enough without the judgment and sadly the women in our lives suffer for it without even knowing the real cause. Our friends are to blame sometimes for us cutting a potential love interest off. Especially for men who have close family units and care what they think.

It makes me wonder how many men have learnt supreme privacy from situations like ours, when you have the ignorant roommate saying “look Greg it’s Chun-Li!” loudly at a house-party, or nosy friend’s wife trying to hook you up with the pretty latina at work because she thinks that’s your type. People should just leave well enough alone and be happy for us when we find love, regardless of marital status, temperament and jokes. That’s all a single man can ask for, but time and time again it has been proven that friends can and will ruin the process of being an open-book about our relationships.

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  • Lonnie F

    That’s the truth. A bunch of my single homies myself included rarely even discuss relationships unless we genuinely need advice. Family stays on the outside of that. I got offended when some relatives from outta town showed up and tried to pry in and even play matchmaker online. They have no idea what my preferences are. They just assume that a “good church girl” is what’s best for everybody. Damn that.

  • JFB1224

    I have read several articles on this site, and I find them very interesting because they offer a fresh perspective on dating, men, and women, especially the articles on how women hate on each other so much. BUT, you lost me on this one. If you let other people live your life for you and direct your choices, it’s YOUR fault, no one else’s. It isn’t your girlfriend’s, your family’s, or your friends. It’s YOU. For guys that are younger, like college or just after, it’s one thing. But after 30, if a guy is so scared of what his friends and relatives think of his choices that he lets it affect who he shares his life with, there is a deeper problem. I once dated a guy, 38 years old, who had friends who didn’t approve of our relationship because we were not the same race. He let them get in his head, and it eventually ruined our relationship. I hope he grows a pair before he gets into his next relationship, and I will be looking for a guy who has a pair and stands on his own two feet this time around!

    • Not sure where I lost you… please explain. The premise of this article is to tell guys to avoid the very thing you said split your relationship – which is nosy friends injecting their opinion on your choice of mate, lifestyle, whatever. Our goal is to make men better and listening to friends whose only goal is prejudice is definitely not one of them. Now if the woman is bad for you – sometimes you should listen to your friends because they see things that you may not be able to.

      • JFB1224

        There are a few parts of the article where it seems like the blame is being placed on family and friends, instead of where it squarely belongs – on a man who will not demand that they show his relationship and partner respect.

      • JFB1224

        Even the title, “My Friends Made Me Stop Talking To Her,” shift the blame away from the man and put it on people who, in all reality, should not be permitted to interfere to the point that it ruins a relationship.

      • The title’s goal is to get people to read the contents. I try not to summarize topics via my titles because lazy trolls will merely comment on the title instead of the content of the article. Readership is our aim, not pointing blame at anyone.

      • Much of this article (about 90%) is an echo of things that actually occurred in my life and in the life of men I know. There is no blame, there is truth and the truth of the matter is that in certain families that are super tight-knit, they will not have their sons dating out and it takes an alpha amongst alphas to fight back against that system if it’s where you came from. It hasn’t been my reality since my family is small and liberal but let any number of men from Latin, Filipino, or Jewish homes tell it – the family will be in your business. There is no way we can tell these men to “man up” and diss their families because in their reality things aren’t that cut and dry.

        The whole point – which admittedly could have been written better, is to say that privacy is paramount in relationships. I explained that my dating light-skinned women got ridicule because my friends liked to break balls and I had to learn that I can’t win, so I may as well do what I want to do and take it on the chin. This is how men should go into relationships with women they truly like and not let the crowd dissuade them.

        You will probably dislike the angle that things are written from here because much of it is written to direct young men. This means that we cannot point fingers and ridicule them for being weak or doing dumb things, we instead try to show an alternative and encourage them to become confident through other means.

      • JFB1224

        I am from a fairly culturally conservative Jewish family. I understand exactly what you’re talking about. And I am a woman, which comes with different sets of expectations and values, many of which I have come to believe are not useful, and only hold people back. That’s why I feel the way that I do, I guess. I just think that life is too short to have others interfere with our choices and happiness because of their own selfishness, which is where a lot of the interference truly comes from. People who love you and want the best for you want you to be happy, period. When they start throwing money wrenches into your plans for no good reason, it’s coming from a selfish place in their hearts.

      • I am 100% there with you on this and it is something that needs to be reinforced as a matter of fact. I will try to address that very topic in the future being that this article read as more of a personal memory versus an answer to a problem. Will need to query real people who have overcome the “well meaning” family to see what strategies worked best for them but we will address it. I appreciate your opinion, it’s a pleasure having you here.

      • JFB1224

        Wow thanks! : D Good luck on your research, and please let me know if I can help somehow. I look forward to seeing what you find out.