May 04

Do you know what I like about your body? Said the beauty that was in my midst one adventurous night? No, why don’t you tell me, I said. You are huggable, and meaty not hard like one of those douchebags (record skips). At that moment I had a Jay-Z moment: “Hold up ma I’m dropping you back off. Weightlifter tell the end tell a friend bish”. See she caught me during a bad patch, I was injured, hadn’t been to the gym in weeks and was looking bad. Were I in my normal routine it pains me to think that she would have written me off as a douchebag. This bothers me, why are weightlifters now classified as the same animal that lives on the Jersey Shore? Look I’ve seen the bags on that show and only one of those guys is jacked, how the hell is the weightlifting community represented by them all of a sudden?

Is that what you think my dear reader, when you see a dude busting out his shirt walking by you minding his own business? Is he a douche automatically for that, or is it the accessories? In the story that I outlined in the first paragraph, that cutie assumed the build was enough reference for someone to be a douche. I’m hurt, I mean I know a lot of big guys and they are cool, soft-spoken, low flying type of men. Many of these guys are businessmen, family guys with bad hair, crappy fashion sense, and some hate clubs. The only time I’d call them a douche is if they got up off the bench and didn’t wipe the sweat off. Cut us some slack ladies please.

Anatomy of a Douche:

  • They’re normally loud, self-centered asses who assume that loud = Alpha.
  • Douchebags find every excuse possible to show their chest or pecs. If the dress code says male stripper then he’s a douche.
  • White douchebags keep a spray on tan, black douchebags try their damnest to emulate them.
  • Barbwire tattoos, tramp stamps and sleeve tats are part of his uniform.
  • Douchebags talk out loud about when they lift and how much they lift. Attention is his food of choice.

Who isn’t a Douchebag

  • Me
  • A guy who lifts weights and still dresses like a normal person.
  • The guy listening to the douchebag prattling on about how much he used to lift as he racks his weights silently wishing the loser would go away.
  • Guys that have weightlifting as a lifestyle and not a means for getting chicks.

Please stop classifying all weightlifters as douche, I implore you to pay attention to the details. Women who write off guys for being beastly may be missing out on a great guy. If you want to really know if a guy is a douche, take him to his planet… The Club and see if he transforms into Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino within miniutes. If not then he’s probably just a weightlifter and a man you need to take home and do nasty things with.

See some words or phrases that you don't understand? Check out The Dragon's Lexicon.
  • Mano

    i disagree with the “sleeve” tattoo ive known many people who have sleeves that are not douchy