Oct 03

Nice people finish lastAt a very young age our parents have always taught us that being nice to people was a great quality to have.  Think about all the times when you were young and you didn’t want to share your toys with the other kids, and your parents told you to “be nice”.  Also remember the saying of “treat people how you want to be treated”? Those were all concepts and theories that was taught to us when we were growing up.  Unfortunately when it comes to relationships there are times when you can be too nice, too selfless, and too considerate.  When those types of features are present it can put your current relationship or your chances of getting that person you are pursuing in jeopardy.  Here are a few examples to help you see if you fall into that category of the person that’s “too nice”.

One of the first signs people pick up on is when you are much to interested in them. Calling a person too much, especially when you have just met them, or hounding them about spending time with you is going to get on their nerves.  The biggest thing it shows it that you don’t have a life/friends or other things that take up your time outside of them, and contrary to popular belief no one wants to be the one and only focus of a person’s time outside of work.  Now there is nothing wrong with showing interest, you have to “stake your claim” otherwise that will leave the door open for other suitors. You just don’t want to show so much interest in the person that you become uninteresting or even boring to them.  Additionally, playing things too carefully and being timid will doom you to fail on top of that, people expect you to show interest but if you wait too long they will lose interest themselves.  If you give up on your friends, hobbies, and other interests that you had before meeting someone just to focus on “making things work” with them, then you are severly lowering the chances that things will work out the way you want them to.  The person was attracted to you because of those things you did before you met them, those were the things that made you interesting in the first place.

Everybody has a little bit of “jackass” in themSecondly you’re much to understanding and never get pissed off, these are also virtues that we were raised to believe good people exhibited all the time.  For the most part that is true, but when it comes to relationships being “understanding” has it’s limits.  When you couple that with someone who never gets mad you might as well put the word sucker on their forehead, because that just smells of a pushover.  If the person you are involved with doesn’t want to talk to you because of a death in the family then it’s perfectly acceptable to be “understanding” of that situation, but if that same person came to you and said “I just slept with your best friend”, I can’t think of many instances where you shouldn’t be pissed of about that.  You definitely can’t say I “understand” why you did that I put myself in your shoes and it was a reasonable decision, if that’s what your mentality is going to be then be prepared for it to happen again.  Approaching things that way just gives the other person a license to run over you without a second thought, and you have no one to blame for yourself.  No one is nice all the time everybody has a little bit of “jackass” in them even the nicest person, you just have to know when it’s appropriate to use it and how much of it to use.  The biggest thing it does for you is it sets a limit almost like an invisible dog fence, if people feel they can’t get away with something they will think twice before doing it.

People don’t do these things to be mean, these concepts are true in many aspects of peoples lives.  Most of this behavior is just human nature, if the path of least resistance is through you people will take advantage of it every time.  If you look at the dynamics of your job if your boss is a nice person and never disciplines anyone then some of the employees are going to push the limits to see what they can get away with.  If your boss is a hard ass then people will more than likely quit, it’s the boss that finds that balance in the middle where they treat their employees with respect, give them a little freedom, but control is kept because employees know if they step out of line there will be consequences.  The same needs to be applied to your relationships, now for those that can’t read between the lines I am not saying put hands on someone or come to blows, but you have to be prepared to walk away from a relationship when the person you are with steps over the line.  There is nothing wrong with being a nice, respectful person, but too much of anything is bad for you, and relationships are no exception.

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  • Great article but I believe that men do well to have a little passive aggression in their character when it comes to anger. I know I find it less than macho when I see a guy screaming and raising his voice in a confrontation. A man of presence says his portion, judges as needed and takes action. Screaming for the whole neighborhood to hear your tantrum is akin to a loud chihuahua or bulldog as opposed to the quiet, menacing doberman. I would much rather be that doberman than the Taco Bell dog believe you me.

    When you’re overly nice you already should have had a history of being slighted and taken advantage of. To tell someone of this character to assume a false sense of jackassery© in order to keep a relationship will no doubt sadden people into a sense of hopelessness. The way I see it is this, it is quite okay to be overly nice, just focus on yourself a bit more in relationships and learn to recognize signs when you are being disrespected or taken advantage of.

    For this very reason I have an article coming about the importance of having a wingman when it comes to the dating game. Having a genuine friend who can recognize an asshole in your life beyond your blind love and connection works wonders. Anyway, love the article, hope to see more from you.

  • nia

    i get what u are saying in this article, however, i agree with the comment, it breeds hopelessness in those who are nice because it’s almost as if u are saying they will be better off acting out of character. i think the best way to get through life as a nice person is to be a nice person, be true to yourself, and just be very selective in who has a chance to experience your personality. those who have been taken advantage of have the experience and can figure it out from the beginning, as long as self confidence is involved. there are plenty times when self confidence and overly nice personalities go hand in hand. one must first be okay with themselves in order to deem someone else worthy of their niceness.

    i like how u expand on my previous posts, though…nice people usually do finish last…not because they are nice, but because they do not put themselves and their feelings first when they deal with other people.

  • It does breed hopelessness in those that are nice, but the reason it does is because that is the reality of the dating game in these times. It’s true that you can be selective and try to find the person who fits well with your personality and won’t take advantage of you, but we all know that those people aren’t always readily available. I am not telling anyone to change the person they are, but quite often when you get in a relationship you will change a bit you can’t live like a bachelor when your with someone. The main point is you have to know when to be nice, and when to express your displeasure with something. Holding things in because you are not confident enough to say something is never healthy in any type of relationship. You illustrated my point perfectly you have to put yourself first at least sometimes, and that will help prevent you from being that overly nice person. Not asking anyone to change who they are, but just make it “about you” a bit more and you will do okay no matter how nice you are.

  • Jing

    “Approaching things that way just gives the other person a license to run over you without a second thought, and you have no one to blame for yourself.”

    I hear you loud and clear on that point! When you’re TOO nice, people take advantage of you in EVERY situation. In my experience there is a time to be genuinly kind and nice toward the other person in the relationship and there is a time to just walk away. Life is cruel, especially for the genuinly nice people in our society, so we HAVE to be strong.