Sep 10

unhappy woman on date

The number one point of frustration with the dating discussion of today is the fact that women have chosen not to conform to the times in terms of give and take.  When it comes to dating the women who complain (on blogs) about men not “playing their role” will say something similar to this:

“I would NEVER ask a man out on a date; that is THEIR job to do! Men should be the ones choosing who they want to be with. And when he notices the girl, he should show her the sort of person he is by what he plans, what he wears, how he speaks to and treats her and whether he follows up the next day.”

Back in the day they used to call this sort of thing courtship and it was done when a man was looking at a specific woman to marry. It was a process and it didn’t come with multiple women; it was normally one woman who the man had set his eyes on to win over.

I hate to break it to you women with the same thought process as the above quote, but despite your “traditional” want for a mate – dating is not courtship, dating is dating. It comes with multiple people vying for your attention, selfish motives, and the desire to do as little as possible to get the most result. This is why a one-night-stand is like hitting a homerun for a casual dater.

Nobody wants to court you… why would they when there are so many prospects? Think about it. I will quote a bit of what mob boss Joe Bonnano had to do to win his wife in the old 1940’s time period in Castellammarese Italy.

“In any case, it would have been unseemly for Fanny and me to converse openly without the formal approval of her father.” (73. A Man of Honor)

To speak to the woman he had to get a sponsor (his uncle) to vouch for him to the woman’s father:

“My nephew Peppino, who comes from an upright family, as you well know, don Calorio, and whose good character I can vouch for, would like to express, in accordance with our custom, his good intentions toward your daughter Fanny” (74. A Man of Honor)

I had a good friend of mine do a similar ritual when he wanted to marry his girlfriend of 3 years before asking her. He met her father, sat with him and let him know his love for his daughter and his intentions – then assured the gentleman that he could not marry her without his consent.

a lady and 2 gentlemen - painting

I agree with what my friend did in respect to tradition. When it comes to marriage if you are a gentleman who wants to truly bond a family you would too, but for dating you must respect that the 2 worlds are different. Is this so hard to understand?

When a man is looking for a date his intent is not to marry you, it is to see if you want to get into the running to be his mate and then you can play out your 1940’s courtship ritual. This is a different age girls and we aren’t going to let you have your cake and eat it too.

The Rewards of Courtship For A Man

Nowadays when a man gets with a woman her offerings are a gamble – yet we know this and deal with it. In the first quote where the woman speaks to her expectations of a man’s role it makes us wonder if she would be willing to play hers in the traditional sense.

Would she: Accept her husband as the final arbiter on all matters of importance in the household? Forego her career to take care of the house; cook and clean; raise his children, etc.?

If you can say yes to the things outlined above then I think you do deserve a man to court you – just realize that it comes about after the dating period. You cannot expect men to play it as if you are their one and only when there is so much to lose upfront. Can we be realistic about this?

Good News For Men

Having debated this topic so much throughout the years I have found that most women who want a romantic courter are willing to sit back and “let their husbands lead” as part of the tradition. The women who write crazy articles about wanting the man to do his part but then ask for the man to back down in his role when married are an extremely vocal minority. Don’t believe the hype.

This is why we must continue to recognize that it is our prerogative to court a woman we truly feel deserves it, and date the ones who we hold reservations for. 

See some words or phrases that you don't understand? Check out The Dragon's Lexicon.
  • McThick

    Go easy on asking your girl’s father for her hand in marriage. I can certainly respect the tradition there, but your girl may not. If I had done something like that before I got married, my wife would have been pissed.

    • Hmm weird, why would she get upset McThick? Could you explain a bit more so that the guys with situations similar to yours will have the heads-up? Does it have to do with the relationship she has with her father, or is it because he would announce it before you got the chance to pop the question?

      • McThick

        Oh…it was definitely about her relationship with her father. As usual, it all boils down to respect. She did not feel that he was a very good father and, as such, had no right to have his opinion on the matter of her marriage heard, let alone sought out in advance.

  • I’m a woman so I’ll chime in. If a man I’m dating long enough and seriously enough to marry goes and asks my dad for my hand in marriage – it’s over.

    I don’t belong to my father, I belong to me. If he wants to marry my dad, feel free to ask him, but to defer to some third party (ANY third party) after having a relationship with me is just a stupid, demeaning ploy. If a guy was dumb enough to do this, I would hope that my dad would look him straight in the face and say “go ask HER!” (In fact, I’m pretty sure he would – might almost be worth it for the hilarity)

    Marriage is a decision made between two adults. My dad, as an adult, made that decision with his wife. I will make that decision for my marriage.

  • McThick

    Katja :
    If he wants to marry my dad, feel free to ask him.


  • Kevin Cardinale

    I know you’re being nice, but women of today are not worth “courting”. That’s reserved for “ladies” not just “women”. I’m assuming your target audience are the middle and lower class, just so we’re clear.

    The reason courting went out the window, because the lower classes don’t have inheritance. If after a life, there’s no inheritance, why even listen to parents, or keep their traditions. If you have to go out and start from zero, to begin with, as an adult, which is NOT the way of the upper classes, then who cares what the father says, and the mother can’t chaperon.

    If the woman has to make her own way, make her own money, start her own career, and start from scratch, she might as well be a man. That’s the society we live in. What’s crazy is that women these days don’t recognize that they basically are men, and still try and act like courtship, chaperons, permissions, serenading, reading poetry should still go on. Yet, with a few short dates, she gives up her sex to any man that pays any attention to her.

    That is not worth courting.

    Courting is an entirely different ball of wax from what you even described. The “woman” first had to be announced, to the world, to be even available for courtship. You just didn’t randomly pick women off the street. This was done at a “coming out” or cotillion, party.

    At the party the “suitors” would access her, and discuss it among themselves. If more than one wanted her, they would all “court” her. Which consisted of meetings in the house, with the entire family.

    Then they would proceed, if she liked, to chaperoned outings with the man. Then if he liked her enough, which wasn’t about love, just how did she rate as a potential mother of his children, he would seek permission and then ask her hand in marriage.

    The family was involved the entire time. They could not be left alone, if it was a “good” family, because men were not trusted not to deflower the girl and leave her. Yes, that happened… to stupid families. And the man could go far and wide and tell of what he did to her, and she would never marry. No one wants sloppy seconds.

    Dating is all about deflowering, and no one has a good name.

    I don’t date. I court.

    • JewelEyed

      I can see why you’re still looking.