Sometimes I admire women who really know what they want in their 20’s and truly wait to have kids until they are well into their 30’s. Other times, I’m glad I’ve got the experience almost completely out of the way in my early years to enjoy the later years with my man. However, there is that one thing that I cannot get past, who am I without my daughter? While we are on the verge of taking SAT’s and ACT’s, up to our necks in college applications and tours, her need to spend all of her spare time with her friends, I am left with the question of who I am.
I never got a chance to experience adult things without the baby in tow or the burden of finding a baby sitter, or worse, sitting at home when a baby sitter was not available. I had her at 22, just freshly a young woman at the prime of life when the world is your oyster. But my world was in the next room sleeping. Or screaming, take your pick. Now that she’s on her last year in my home, I find myself longing for the old times, those times she would sit on my lap on command, when she would choose to watch a show with me and not fight me on spending time, the times when I was her everything.
How do I start that scary, yet exciting journey of finding myself and who I am without the little girl? So many opportunities are going to come my way in the form of living quarters, grocery lists, date nights, vacations, etc. My friends tell me to find a hobby and run with it. Others tell me to look for a new job, something I want to do for reasons other than the fact that it pays the bills. Some suggest living like a pauper for a few months to gather my thoughts and make a clear decision on my path. It’s so interesting how other people are so ready to tell you what you should do with yourself. Where do they come up with these ideas when I cannot even say what I want for dinner without considering the one who likes to say “I’m not hungry,”?
I don’t believe there is a true solution in this situation, I think I just needed to vent about my anxieties of making the transition from single mom to single woman. I know my life purpose is not what it appears to be at this time, but with no true direction, it’s a struggle trying to find it out. Those around me are supportive, and I’m thankful for that. But it’s time to get off my own ass, close my ears to the suggestions around me and make a life that I want and that my kid can be proud of.See some words or phrases that you don't understand? Check out The Dragon's Lexicon.