May 14

Rule #11 (Curiosity):
Under no circumstances whatsoever is it okay to sneak a peak at another man’s junk. No matter your relationship, this extends beyond brothers, fathers, uncles whatsoever. Do not look over urinals, keep eyes at 12 or 6 to avoid suspicion or a possible beat-down no matter your sexual orientation. Basic man etiquette decrees that a man caught sneaking looks at your junk must first be exposed and then stomped beyond an inch of his life. Walking around a locker-room scoping out guy’s junks when they step out of the shower is also frowned upon. Be happy with your own and stop running comparison checks.

Rule #12 (Crossed Swords):
As a rule I don’t bring two swords to a cat-fight… what I mean by this is there is a minimum of one dude per girl when it comes to me and coitus. For you adventuresome guys who double up on obligatory freak, the crossing of swords is the most vicious of offenses on your fellow hetero man. This occurs typically if the hawte decides to service the units orally and attempts to do this simultaneously. This can also occur when you are both doing the pink/stink double up and someone slips out. In situations where the swords cross, the situation is best kept a deep secret to never be discussed ever again by both males. Better to stay far away from this situation unless you’re bi-curious. If you’re not and you’re the alpha of males, then save the crossing for church.

Rule #13 (Engagement):
As a man it is never ever acceptable to take an open-handed slap to the face by another man without returning the favor. To slap a man is to emasculate him in the worst way imaginable, it takes away his pride, his balls and his power all in one move. The only way to come back from a slap is either to return it with some extras, to kill the guy (mafia rules), or to damn near kill the guy buy stomping his face into the pavement. While men can take a punch and bully up on some ol’ “is that all you got?” A slap should never, ever, ever, go unpunished. Save face, don’t get slapped.

Rule #14 (Music):
For straight males there is never a “right” time to be in your car with a buddy and listening to smooth jams, R&B or any slow love song. The exceptions to this rule are limited to your own music (in which you sing), old Bluesmen, Frank Sinatra or any other Rat Packer. If you question whether you are able to jam the latest Usher in your convertible with Lawrence, think to yourself “what would Santino do?” That is Santino the son of Vito Corleone on the Godfather, if you can imagine Santino (Sonny) in the car with you listening to it without issue then it just might be okay. Save the love ballads for the girlfriend or your solo road trips. Spare your friend a Brokeback Mountain moment and put on some Ghostface Killah instead.

Rule #15 (Backwash):
Never, ever put your lips on the can, cup or glass of another man’s in an attempt to share their drink. This act is reserved for people of the Catholic faith and young family members such as fathers or brothers. When you and your buddy share a beer, you may as well be sharing a kiss based on the spit-to-lip ratio involved – not to mention backwash. If you are desperate to share then get a cup or cup your hands and have him pour it. And no being drunk is not an excuse for this behavior.

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  • Travis

    I’m with you on all rules thus far but gotta dissent on rule 15 (or at least your all-encompassing NO on it).

    I’ve got a brother (and even a friend) that I will offer a drink of my water too if we’re working on a project together. Especially if they’re helping me out on something of mine (i.e. Project Truck, Shop Renovation, etc.).

    In fact – it’s because we’re boys and I sincerely appreciate the help that I even offer something of mine to begin with.

    This rule is largely applicable – but “never” is a mighty strong term.