May 30

happy couple in love

Many women get involved romantically with men and expect them to take on the role of the boyfriend and husband that they have concocted in their mind.

This shadow avatar of a boyfriend (let’s call him Ben) is a Frankenstein creature, built from soap operas, Romance Comedies, her father, brothers, and boyfriends of the past. He is attentive when she’s in the mood for him, he politely nudges her for sex often, and his entire life is changed for her; his every waking moment being a struggle to get as much time with her as possible.

Ben had a high position in his company and his aspirations for wealth led him to being an efficient, smart, working machine. Long hours yield long money and it allowed him to take her out on dates to the fanciest of restaurants in the most exclusive locations. But when Ben became this woman’s boyfriend, his aspirations naturally take a turn for her, the motivation now being their life in happily-ever-after instead of his financial freedom.

Ben was attractive for being successful, but since he’s a fictional dream boyfriend he magically stays successful without putting in the long hours and the extra work it took to maintain when she wasn’t around. Ben is a hopeless romantic who all the other girls are jealous over… but he never, ever looks at them. Regardless of where Ben and his woman met he his head over heels in love with her, and she is convinced that she is of him.

He’s apologetic when they fight, he continuously pursues her if she leaves, and although he loves the fact that she can do everything… he still does all of the things a traditional man does (fixes the car, fixes the sink, mows the lawn). Ben isn’t real, and the entire notion is ridiculous, but this fantasy guy is the expectation of many a green young girl in new relationships; sadly some older women too.

What’s the reality?

The idea of Ben rests in a woman having control and the false pretext that life is a movie where fights turn into hot, unbridled sex, workaholics become rich love junkies negating their careers, and men fall madly in love with their women. To the mature, seasoned woman this Ben guy is one to laugh at because she knows it’s the dream of teenagers and virgin maids.

Men deal with this Ben expectation but it tends to always yield the same result: girl gets mad that new boyfriend isn’t Ben, does the immature thing of dumping him to see if that will make him fight for her, then gets upset when he burns the bridge and moves on.

Ben is a myth, we are all flawed and the things that you like so much may actually be the result of an ugly side that you will never understand. Party girl who loves fancy restaurants and big gifts will date money guy, but unless money guy inherited his wealth she will have to compete with his career. Hopeless romantic guy may just be too clingy, sexually hungry guy may be a pervert… I can keep going with these but the point is this: Relationships are never 100% to your liking.

So if you are actively seeking Ben and find that you are now trying desperately to call your ex-boyfriend back because you dumped him to make a point, I have to ask. How’s that quest going? How long will it take for you to realize that love is a relationship full of trust and compromise?

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