Oct 04

I go to the movie theater once or twice a week and I’ve noticed the trends with the movies that I attend and the type of audiences that they bring out.  I’ve also noticed what types of people to move away from because it is almost guaranteed that my movie experience will be a nightmare. Theaters have advanced in technology, IMAX 3D being a thing of beauty when coupled with something like James Cameron’s Avatar or any one of Pixar’s masteries for that bright vibrant color. What hasn’t advanced however is the placement of seats and audience comfort to complement the increased price of tickets.

As a movie-watcher I can tell you that the invention of the Smart Phone has been one of the most harmful things towards the theater, even more than the beeper and the cellular phone has been. To be frank people (teenagers mostly) are little selfish pricks who care nothing about anyone but themselves and their Facebook accounts. I can rant on and on about these little pukes holding the illuminated iPhones up mid-movie to check on a Tweet or status update but I will save that for another day. Today I will clue you in on the people that I avoid in order to cut the 80% chance that I will have a bad theater experience to about 30%. Please note that I mean no offense to people within these groups but I know my stuff and I practice it weekly so chances are you should look in the mirror before you get offended.

1. Women and guys in flip flops

I don’t sit in front of women and guys in flip flops. Why? Well these two sets of people love to put their feet up on the back of chairs and I am not a fan of having my chair kicked. Some people are great at ninjaing their feet up without notice but some just suck at it and re-adjust their feet the entire movie (not a fun experience for the person sitting there). One episode I saw a chick put her nasty toes in a woman’s hair and the poor girl barely even noticed the invasion in her upper tresses. Another ep I saw a guy slap a chick’s foot in full force when she accidentally kicked him in the head due to having no control over her feet adjustment. No thanks, a woman, or toe boy sits behind me, I move.

2. Teens, Tweens and Raging Hormone Victims

I am not a big fan of teenagers in movie theaters. Most of the time they aren’t in there to watch the movie, they are in there to giggle, play on smart phones and fuck up your experience as much as they can. Why? Because they are little anarchists who forgot how to behave after age 11. A child will sit silently and behave (mostly) throughout an entire movie, a teenager will be on his/her phone constantly. They will kick your chair, hold their phones up to surf Facebook and call their moms to lie that they will be home right after the theater. The only thing worse than teens are a tribe of teens, avoid the row completely if you can help it and if they populate the theater then get your money back and come see the movie at a matinee.

3. “Cool guys” aka Douchebags

When I see spikey hair, flip flops and/or tight teeshirts I sit a few rows up. See these guys need this site, they really do because somewhere along the road of growing balls, developing a deep voice and gaining some years, they mistakenly figured that being a man is to be as unbearable a human being as humanly possible. These schmucks will put lasers on the screen mid movie, giggle like girls, comment loudly on a guy not being macho enough and clear their throats constantly because they think it’s funny. I ended up choking out one of these types a few years back when he and his buddies made me miss some Angelina Jolie dialogue… needless to say I avoided arrest and do not aim to tempt the fates again with another choking.

4. The Pair of Big Muscular Guys

When I see two monsters pair up to see a movie, I don’t want to sit anywhere near em. First of all I’m a big guy myself and if the one chair gap law isn’t in play due to a movie being crowded, I am guaranteed not to have any elbow room. The other fact is that big men love to talk during movies (not this big man though), they laugh loudly, crack big man jokes on each other and lord over the theater – because let’s face it, who’s going to check them on it? No disrespect intended, I love my brothers of the Iron to death but pattern never fails and I am not sitting near another Michael Clarke Duncan or Brock Lesner.

5. Mom and Son

Oh my god, this has got to be the worse of the set right here. Mom doesn’t really get what’s going on during the movie so son tries whispering it to her after every scene. He thinks he’s being quiet but you can hear it, you would think she was watching a different movie from you or she was blind because it is quite obvious that the guy onscreen was shot for breaking into the victim’s home.

Mom: Why did he shoot him!
Son: Cause he broke into the home mom.
Mom: Oh!
Theater: Shhhhhhh

Ya it’s only cute until you remember that you spent $10+ on tickets to see this movie. Nah, I look at the mom/son pairing and I make a judgment call as to whether I should move or gamble on them being silent.

So there you have it, no need for a confrontation, just know when to avoid a land mine when you see one (unless you ARE the land mine). Take it from a theater expert, it’s much easier to move or come back later than it is to try and get these people to play nice. Next time you go to the movies, look out for the usual suspects and make your seating strategic – remember to arrive 15 minutes prior to the movie starting so that you can pick your seat. I guarantee a much more pleasant movie experience or an excuse to get your money back.

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