Nov 29

man and woman talking

What would you do if you met the woman of your dreams; married her; had sex with her often; then one day she begins to cheat and skip out on you before letting you know that she was born a man? Stop me if you’ve heard this one before because it seems like I have – at least something similar.

According to The Telegraph, a Belgian man is looking to get his 19 year marriage annulled after finding out that his Indonesian wife was born a boy who later got a sex change:

The man, only named as Jan, married Monica, his family’s former au pair in a previous marriage, in 1993 despite legal difficulties raised by the Belgian immigration authorities.

But it was only in recent weeks that he discovered that his wife had originally been a man and had undergone a sex change.

“I feel I’ve been assaulted,” he told the Het Nieuwsblad newspaper.

“I brought her to Belgium. That was not easy. The Belgian courts had serious doubts about the authenticity of her birth and her identity papers, but eventually they accepted it anyway. I thought she was an attractive woman, all woman. She had no male traits.”

Jan, 64, said that he and his wife had decided not to have children because he had two by his previous marriage and she fooled him by pretending to menstruate, using sanitary towels, “to conceal the truth”.

“Even during sex, I never noticed anything,” he said.

Talk about horror story – this is one of those things that has been the subject of nightmares for heterosexual men for a very long time. I recall the story of Monsieur Butterfly – when a spy / opera singer–who was a male–seduced a male member of the French Embassy into loving him as he stayed in disguise as a woman.

There is a movie called M. Butterfly about the same situation but after the affair and the many nights of sex—ya you go ahead and try to figure that one out—the Frenchman was fooled into believing that his “lady” was not only the genuine article but also a mother to his child!

In the movie, the eventual reveal sent the man into somewhat of a maddened state. Not only did he give up secrets to this lover who was a spy but he was also conflicted on the fact that the woman he loved was really a man. This Opera singer was not operated on, carried himself very much as a male during his “off hours” and completely tricked a man into spilling secrets… all for some sex with their clothes on.

I believe that there are many men who will just get over it

So I have to ask, how would you deal with a situation like the story above with the Indonesian woman or the tale of the spy that is M. Butterfly?

Many of you will say that you would either beat the “man” up, murder him, or some other act of violence – but in truth I believe that there are many men who will just get over it. In the tale of M. Butterfly when the French man is arrested and taken away for his aide in giving up important secrets his spy lover he showed that despite the reveal he was still in love with him.

knee-jerk reaction is one thing but I believe that love knows no gender and forgiveness for the betrayal has led many men in the same situation to accept their wife’s past in lieu of continued happiness.

Have you met anyone in this situation or have you yourself been through this? What would you do? Is the man right for divorcing his beloved wife of 18 years for this?

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  • Something does not seem to fully equate here. Maybe I need to read the original article. If he was able to have sex with his male wife and not feel a difference then chances are that she was born intersex and not fully male. As good as they have gotten with male-to-female gender reassignment they can’t make a man-turned-woman have a natural-feeling labia and vaginal walls. Sure, you can compensate by turning his outtie into an innie and using copious amounts of lube but you would know that it isn’t natural. Either this guy was in a serious state of denial or his wife actually had both male and female traits and s/he chose to remove the male ones.

    Personally, I’d leave. To me that’s a fundamental betrayal. When I was dating I made sure I knew my women inside (literally) and out. I saw baby pictures, childhood pictures, spoke to parents, etc. from early on. To some people love knows no gender and I leave that to them but for myself, my erotic love is for a woman only. I don’t think I would settle into a relationship with an intersex person but I could absolutely be good friends with one. Even if you do identify as one gender you should make it known that you were born another gender or have physical traits of both genders by the time you are ready to have sex or commit to a serious relationship. Letting your partner know the truth about you should square one.

    • Thanks for your intelligent comment Greg – you actually taught me a thing or 2 there since I had no clue about the sex feeling different in that regard. Maybe the whole truth isn’t being told in this story as you know the man is angry with his wife so making her seem more spiteful than she really is would go with the territory.

      I find that this is one of those taboo subjects that many people leave hidden due to the rejection that they fear. You say that you examine photos, parents etc. but many guys will sleep with a woman like this as quickly as possible and even if it feels different down there, they brush it aside and keep on doing it.

      I can see why the illusion works so well on men due to our nonchalance with sex, a woman’s anatomy/physiology, and her background. The last story I heard like this the guy brutally beat his lover down in a Club… I think it’s a valid reason to ask for the truth upfront to avoid this.