Feb 01

couple on bed

The cycle of the love affair with a married man almost always ends in broken hearts, hurt, and wasted time. Sure you have those once in a million times where the man actually leaves his wife for another, but for the most part, it is a script for adultery disaster. 

The love affair with the married man starts with a man who married for the wrong reasons and thus never truly felt fulfilled in his commitment to the wife.  They probably have kids together and that is the only bond they share.  The ideal woman for this guy is the girl who has been hurt many times by single men and is in the stage where she just wants someone to love her.  After they meet and exchange conversation, he realizes what he has been missing at home and decides to pursue his happiness with her on the side.

The married man wants to fill a void

However, filling the void may backfire on him, as the relationship may escalate from occasional lunches during work hours or early dinners disguised as “working late”, to the more intimate texting and instant messages all night long. This is hook line and sinker for the woman, as she automatically thinks, “oh, he wants to talk to me so badly that he’s risking getting caught!”, and perceives this as being put first (the one thing that women want to feel in a relationship).

By this time, she is more than likely already aware of the fact that he is unhappy in his marriage and the more time she spends with him she makes sure to plea her case as to why he should be with her instead. The man more than likely plays into this often times telling her things such as “I wish I could have met you years ago”. This makes her feel as if the only thing keeping them apart is the ring on his finger.  Unfortunately, even if she is not ready to admit it, her subconscious desire is for him to make the dream come true, and leave his wife.

Do not sleep with the married man

The worst thing to do is sleep with the married man as once the adultery is official, the dynamic of the relationship drastically changes.  The woman goes through self-esteem issues and starts to wonder why she is settling for less than what she deserves.  If the man is not a total ass, he will feel the guilt every time he looks in his wife’s eyes, and he will try to ease the guilt by taking her out on a date, or suggesting a family vacation, etc.  This in turn will make the other woman feel even more humiliated as she thought he didn’t like his wife like that.  If she expresses it, he already has his reasoning – 1) she knew he was married, and 2) he never said he was leaving his wife.

Married men do not leave their wives!!

Sure there are a few people who actually leave their wives when they have met their “soul mate”.  But for the most part, he is not leaving.  Although he gets to the point where he is saying he loves the side chick, he is usually more in love with his kids.  In a loveless marriage with small children, the kids become more of a silver lining and the focus of all the reasons to deal with the unhappiness of no sex and conversation that only revolves around household duties (“did you pay the light bill?”, “Johnny has band practice tomorrow, can you pick him up?”, etc.).  Often the fear of what others will think will not let him do it, as the man does not want to become the “bad guy” in their eyes as the daddy who left in their early years. 

The relationship has a glass ceiling

Nobody wants to be in a relationship that doesn’t grow. Building a life with someone with constant progression and growth is necessary for a healthy relationship. Just because he says he loves her does not mean that he will do what it takes to prove it to her.  The other woman can’t call him or see him when she wants to. Eventually those sneaky late night phone calls end abruptly with “I gotta go!” and a click, leaving the other woman wondering all night if his cover was blown or not, and whether or not she will hear from him after that.  She will get to the point where she must make a decision whether she would be able to deal with never being first in the man’s life, and the thought of it never progressing.

* * * *

A relationship will never flourish if built from the ground up on sneaking around, mistrust, and false hope. The other woman must think about herself and whether or not she will truly be happy with settling for being on the side. More than likely, she will not.  However, whether she settles for what he is giving her or not, nothing will fix the fact that he is not happy in his marriage and he will step out on his wife regardless. Finding someone to fill the void is much deeper than any feelings he has for the side chick.  This a cowardly way to handle the situation and nothing short of him growing a set of balls and leaving is going to change that fact.  He made the bed. For Pete’s sake, let his ass lay in it.

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  • http://halloftheblackdragon.com Greg Dragon

    Solid advice but if the married man knows what he is doing, this stuff will of course fall on deaf ears. Women go deaf, dumb and blind over the “what ifs” of a man they find attractive, married or not. So when the man strikes and she is smitten, judgement goes out the door and the panties drop down to the ankles. The boys know this.

    While it’s not fair to the children I always wondered why the dude is the last person to get checked whenever he runs up into some strange. The wife always calls the jump-off to bitch her out, or shows up at her job to fight then stays with the dude after minimal fall out. Hell some lucky bastards have the wife who will weather the storm just to avoid leaving the stable income, the periodic sex with spooning and the fear of the kid having a single parent or worse yet daddy issues. That’s the thing about the game, you can give the players the rulebook but they won’t read it. Great article btw.

    • Ello

      My ex-husband, who was given too many chances admittedly, is guilty of having affairs during our marriage. I never put fault solely on the woman, and kept my expressions of disappointment with my husband only. Unfortunately, the women he involved himself with believed they were going to have something more with him, and when he kept “choosing me” (I don’t say this with pride), two women couldn’t handle it and attacked me directly by posting slanderous information publicly and even going into my home while I was away, and EGGING my house. I never had any altercations with them until they inserted themselves in my life.

      The ex made the comment recently actually of “I hate that f****** c**t for what she did to us”. I’m sorry, what? Are you kidding me? I explained to him that it was HIS actions, and his responsibility for his actions in having an affair, that led to the divorce. Yes, deeply I hate the women for knowingly dating a married man, but they did not make a commitment to be with me; he did. I don’t understand how women get catty with the women… it is their man who needs to have some self-discipline and resist the temptation!!

  • nia

    i agree that women fall for the potential of a guy and not for what things really are. however, if the married man sets out to obtain a jump-off…well, he’s not quite the catch now is he? i can understand the married man who truly wants his cake and eat it too, but what i’m talking about is that scrotumless man who straddles the fence of staying or going. he’s not trying to have someone on the side and doesn’t necessarily agree with his own actions. he truly has feelings for the side chick, but his feelings will never trump what he has going on at home.

  • http://www.ishemarried.org elizabeth

    Why date with a married man, if you can date with a very available (single) man? How we know if the guy we are dating is married? Is he Married?

    A very simple questions but very hard to answer. This are the questions always come out of my mind every time i date a guy. ALL of us deserve to be loved and to card for by the right person who will always their in our side especially in time we need them most. We deserve a Full time and attention from them not a spare time that they can give us. We deserve a not to feel bad of our self or guilty of what had happen. We deserve a full trust and a very happy life not a life full of anxiety.

    • http://halloftheblackdragon.com Greg Dragon

      Hear, hear elizabeth. As a single guy it feels like a kick in the teeth when you put effort into pursuing a beautiful, lovely woman that you assume is available, only to hear that she’s taken – by a married man. Many of us have been there and the attraction turns to scorn when you learn that she’s merely some dude’s mistress. Really it’s a lose, lose for a woman to be in that situation. I like your website link, it’s a pretty cool service to catch cheaters who aren’t smooth enough to drop aliases lol.

      • http://www.ishemarried.org elizabeth

        Hi! Greg,

        Thanks for liking my site.

        I understand you! I can say to avoid being hurt again for the second time. The women should be wife in their choices. YES! it’s not fair to be with a women who has an affair already with a married man, but if the man is truly love that women, he can accept that women of who she was and her situation. The women should be honest also with that man on his pass.

    • nia syrah

      i think it’s also important to remember the other in the marriage as well, not just the jump off…. she/he deserves more than just part of the adulterer’s time too.. it’s really sad when there are kids involved and they are the excuse for staying… when those kids are grown and out of the house, it’s just not fair to then call it quits, as if the obligation is over, leaving that “significant” other to go back to dating after their good years have passed..


    I’m gonna comment on this as I came across this in a bit of research I’m doing Myself. I’m beginning to be involved with a married man, NO I didn’t know he was married at 1st in fact 3wks went by before I guessed it, I’m in a position now where I’m new to the state, NOT meeting viable men and when we began talking and as things moved along I’m NOT crushed by this HOWEVER on the other hand he will probably be as I’ve got things to do, people to meet, places to go and Successes to have sooo NOT payin attention busy doin My thang i don’t have time for NOTHING but what I DESIRE, now this should be a wake-up call for ALOTof people as MANY women these days don’t give no F_ _K about the married thang as men been runnin this game for years so DON’T hate bcause I’m cocky, charming and daring more than enough NOT to be engulfed in his drama as it’s ALL about ME not him, he gone give me MONEY, SEX when I want how I want and GIFTS thats what he’s here for (when I want to be bothered with him) lol DEFINITLY done flipped the script (oh PLEASE don’t give me all that you should be ashamed of yourself crap as I’m NOT, WON’T be and have a life and things to do (as i mentioned before men have been coldblooded and such for years about time a TRUE PRiNCESS with swagger moved past it and is now runnin My OWN way of doin things) peace

    • http://halloftheblackdragon.com Greg Dragon

      Princess you are awesome and I loved your response but I have to bring you back to earth a bit. What you are in essence doing is staying in your lane, not all married men want to wife the goomah, most of them would be happy to be used up as long as the wife doesn’t find out. I have no qualms with a woman getting hers, hell it’s 2010 and itf a man is realistic he knows that he wasn’t the only one getting his rocks off throughout life. BUT when you and he both stay in your lanes with this whole thing, the only person who loses is his wife (I know you don’t care), this means I have 0 sympathy for that dude, drain the hell out of his money if that’s your thing, karma has it in for him. Good luck and thanks for the laugh.


    @Greg Dragon: Happy New Year 2011! I’m HAPPY & PROUD to say I ridded Myself of the mm….yipeee…NO MORE mm for Me! 1st of it was very decietful the way that he didn’t tell Me for a whole month (which I figured he wanted to make Me get emotionally deeply involved to the point where I couldn’t do without him (SIKE NOT HAPPENING!)

    This incident left a TRULY bad tasted in My mind about how slick men can be, so now that I’m I’m now Positively dating SINGLE men ONLY! I do ask UP FRONT are you married? I’ve learned mm take off their rings ALOT which is a DAMN SHAME! such trickery!

    So I’m in TRUE PRiNCESS form, truly ENJOYING My day to day existence, dealing with My Lifes’ realities yet in a Beautiful True Somber way (which is sooo needed). I’m making My Dreams become Prosperous realities…smile….

    Good Luck to Us All (ESPECIALLY to Us that move forward with Faith, Grace with the ability to make Our Dreams come True). I live as the PRiNCESS I was born to be (smile) peace

  • http://www.thelovepr.com The Love PR

    I have personally been in a relationship with a married man and I’ve gone through the same phases like most of you writing here do now. And because he left his wife and child for me and not by coincidence, but because I worked towards this goal, I want to share my story with you, all the women dating a married guy – you can read it here http://thelovepr.com/books.html

    Good luck :)

  • a wife

    Oh god, did any one who is cheating realize the court systems take this into account, they know it’s potentially “emotionally abusive” when a cheating married man tries to get his children in a divorce hearing. A lot of times a wife “knows” already and doesn’t have proof. But the things she says in court “are red flags” and it rolls it her direction.??? Men who actually leave their wives and kid it’s because him and his wife are fighting over the fact he may be cheating. The damage that gets done is LONG TERM. I recommend not seeing a married man. The romance dream breaks when you have to deal with “REAL LIFE!!!!”. P.s. he’s not going to tell his mistress it was his wife that told him to “GET OUT” That would be breaking his pride, and the reason why he’s cheating to begin with is because of pride and insecurities. Seeing your mistress doesn’t help him. Hes needs a psychiatrist. You cannot help him “get over it”. You cannot “save” him. He needs real help, and a mistress adding fuel to a fire makes things worse, cruel, and destructive. That’s why it’s a big deal, it truelly HURTS people involved for a long, long, time. It’s emotionally, physically, and financially cruel.

  • a wife

    p.s. The best thing a wife can do in a cheating situation is to let them “have each other”. It’s the best revenge. He wont torture his wife anymore, he’ll torture the mistress, Her “idiotic” opinions (which usually are on another planet, because that’s where she’s living) won’t come out of his mouth anymore at home, and she’ll be giving him her “idiotic” opinions to him only. It’s salvation, and it doesn’t last “GUARANTEED”. :) GET that fellow married women, it’s a gurantee….. Gurantee…Now you can finally laugh for the first time, in a long time….Or another way is to tell him what a horrible, horrible wife you were to him (after he’s moved in with the mistress), invite him over to “talk”. Get him naked and take a pic. LOL Cause he will come over GUARANTEED. lol

  • flowerlady

    I too was unknowingly a mistress. Although I had my suspicions, and I asked if he was married and he said no, I later found out that his meaning was that the marriage itself was over not the paperwork. He stayed in my life for two years as the best source of emotional suport I’ve lived to experience which enable me to fall in love with him. I tried and even he tried numerous times to end things but one of us came back each time. Needless to say, a confession soon came about to me as the wife caught wind of us and was ended abruptly. There was closure needed and things to be said and we met again one last time, which was followed by a raged threatening phone call from the wife afterwards. My thoughts are- can’t the wife see that there mustve been something not there within the marriage for him to do this? I don’t feel bad because I did not know, I don’t feel bad for her because she is stupid enough to blame me and not her husband and somehow still wants him? Not sure if a story or the truth, but what I saw in the end is an unhappy man because he is married to someone whom only cares about what he has financially to offer him and a man that simply needs to be loved. Does she really think he loves her if he is cheating? All I can do is step out of the way and hope he either finds happiness with her or builds the courage enough to leave for his own good. I think not all men are scumbags that stay with these leaches, I think alot are in it because they will loose everything they have worked thier lives for.





    • taylort

      UR CRAy wuttever he told u ABOUT being unhappy n HOW she was there for his mo.et n he would lose everything..it was all a lie so he don’t get slapped n Ur so dumb to believe him after all that hes lied to u U REALLY think he would go out of his way to sneak around n hide u if he was so unhappy? U think he’s wife would tale the time to call you infuriated if all that was true?? ..U think u would have lost contact woth u?n that he would try to work it out ?its all bull n he will never tell u the truth that u were a booty call as long as u believe everything he says if u WERE wise n he could she u weren’t stupid he would of Benn straight out n seen if us b ok with these booty calls n sneaking around n if u said no he would of moved on.

  • ron

    When you date someone who will always belong to someone else.you’re asking for Big trouble.I always think what the other person will do if you are discovered.Not good,just think of what you would like to do to the person who’s boinking your spouse.Not good,so think twice about going down that bumpy road.There’s too many single people out there to risk your health messing with a married one.

  • ron

    If you get involved with a married person, All that will happen will be heartbreak ,let down ,and all along the way frustration.Save yourself Alot of time and effort.You can avoid all this drama by just pursuing a single person instead.

  • Maria

    I think being a mistress is overly romanticized. Everything you have written in your article is true for the majority (out of the many affairs I know of, only two became a long term relationship) of affairs. I have seen many men (and a few women) cheat on their spouse with either one or numerous partners. And what does this say about the men? That they are cowards, losers, men of low moral standings and are weak pathetic creatures. What is appealing about this? The man is obviously selfish if he is seeking pleasure from other women. And don’t even try to shoot the crap by thinking “Well, he’s in a miserable relationship, sooo, it shouldn’t matter much if he is just trying to find some who can make him happy.” If this man is a real man, he would have respect. Not only for his wife but his mistress. If you are the mistress, you are the hoe. Bitch I do not care if he found you in some high class bar sipping your fruity cocktail. You are a hoe. A high class hoe. But a hoe. He does not give you his full commitment. You may say you are only doing this for yourself, but who are you kidding? You don’t think this cheater is willing to manipulate you for his own pleasures? Is he not already f*cking with his wife?

    Love PR, I looked at your website. I didn’t read your dumbass book, but I looked at your website. Any woman wanting a man to dump his wife for her, not because she loves him, but because she is “curious in seeing what limits” she can push (translating t: I want to boost my ego by getting a married man to leave his wife and 9-year old daughter for my selfish ass) is beyond disgusting and dirty and I hope there is only a minority of people like you (or no one like you sounds even better).

    And PRiNCESS, honey, I loved what you said. Not only men, but women will lie straight up to you to get what they want. People are selfish, and I hope you drained the bastard of his money (or at least got something shiny out of him).

    I just want people to know, I have never been cheated on (to my knowledge), but family members of mine have had affairs and what it has done to their wives is just sad. Before you become a mistress or continue your relationship as one, please, remember that you are not only screwing around with your own emotions and your own life or the man’s wife’s, you are screwing with the emotions and life of his children, family members, friends and everyone else’s he is connected too. Affairs are unnecesary hurt.

    • Nia Syrah

      Thanks for the comment Maria..it’s very insightful..AND, gave me a reason to go to that website for a good laugh..

      Really, Love PR?? Seriously?? So a chick is supposed to work to take a man from his wife while not knowing him very well, then move in with dude to see where it goes?!? Lol.. In the words of Antoine Dobson, you are so dumb..you are really dumb, for real!

  • Blonde girl

    This article was short but dead on… It actually helped me end what should have never started. I never thought in a million years I would put myself in this situation, but I did. I knew he was unhappily married, and the more time we spent together talking the faster we fell in love.
    Loneliness brought us together, and we had a connection like I’ve never felt before, and I knew it was wrong but tried to convince myself it was okay if we didn’t get caught. I couldn’t do it. Over time I realized how unfair it was that I loved him, but had to hide. I couldn’t call him, be seen in public together, it was awful.
    When he told me his wife wanted to do whatever it took to make their marriage work I felt like crap… Here I was stepping into a marriage he was never going to leave, and this poor woman loved him and had no idea, and that’s not the person I wanted to be….
    Best of luck to everyone if it happens, its hard to leave but you have too!! Ive tried several times, and the last one was final. He keeps calling to tell me he loves me and is unhappy, but it’s up to him to fix it, not me hurting myself and others to make him happy. No way.

    • Nia Syrah

      Thanks so much for reading Blonde.. It was written from experience and I, too, had to get out.. We tell ourselves that the love we feel for each other is what’s important and convince ourselves it’s okay, but the way we feel inside is what’s true. Nobody deserves to feel less than they are worth and it’s not fair to ALL involved.
      Im so glad i was able to help u end it, and I wanted to tell u that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Once you get negativity out, you make room for good stuff.. My situation ended in July 2009.. Shortly after that, I started dating a great man and we’ve been together ever since..

  • Raven

    Not all cases follow the above scenario. I started dating a supposed divorced man who told me he was still responsible for caring for his ex who lived with him but they have seperate bedrooms, do not speak to one another unless regarding the children and that she wears a scarf (muslim) around him at all times. they have been living like this 2 years and yes i’ve seen the seperate bedrooms. This “seperation” is something he thought qualified as divorce but 4 months into the relationship, i informed him it was not. So he sat down with her and their parnts requesting a divorce, and his parents and wife told him it was unacceptable and that he’s stuck. He wishes to leave her, but she speaks no english, cant drive, and he’s the sole provider. If he leaves her, his family would basically dissown him as they love her very much and do not allow divorce in his family. He’s been spending every hour of the day with me for a year now and only goes home to sleep (i’ve seen his bedroom; it is seperate from hers). Only once in this year did she ever call him when he was with me only to get a computer password. I have 100% of his attention and love. And yes, its true that children are the silver lining or he’d be living with me in an instant. The only question now is where to from here? Is it even possible to set something like this right? The 2 of them still wouldnt be 2gether as a couple even if i werent in the picture.
    I dont understand how people can be ok with their kids being in an environment where mom and dad obviously dont love each other. Dont kids want to see their parents happy too?

    • Bibi

      I totally agree with you, this article is strongly blind to the complex Web of relationships that exists to support people in different ways. It lacks appreciation of cultural dynamics that exist. Most cultures permit dating across board even though they may claim not to anymore considering perverse religious doctrine. The issue here may be cheating or pretense which clearly goes beyond being married or not. These days, a faithful man or woman in the ideal perspective is a rare find, whether married or single. Hence, sexual faithfulness should not be the yardstick for measuring a good relationship. Many other things count, and it is left for each one to decide what’s most important. Every relationship ends. Counting on how long people lasted together can be a dumb way to measure. Not everyone wants a life time relationship, what counts is how impactful was that relationship to taking you to the next level relatively.

  • M. Mofokeng

    is it really as simple as reading this article and the commentary appear to suggest? Isn’t everyone’s experience unique? Women students in a class I teach made comments that I found a bit shocking. They stated that women cheat as much or more than men. It is just that society’s lens finds judging men more convenient in this particular instance. Women also are much better at covering affairs than men are. But they were unanimous about their views that men are just easier targets to put the blame on.

    Why did so many cultures practice polygamy for centuries? Was it because they were oppressing women? Abusing women? Being greedy? Or was it part of an economic system that extended the family and ensured greater security (financial and physical)? Why is monogamy preferable when 48% of married Americans are likely candidates for divorce?

    Is it really wrong to stay in a marriage if it ensures that the children will be shielded from the ramifications of divorce? Is it wrong for a married woman to seek intimacy with a man if her husband is unable to offer that intimacy she seeks? Is the only solution to leave him or live a life of celibacy? What if she DOES love him but does not wish to live a celibate life? Does she have to just suck it up and live with it or cut it off and look for what she wants elsewhere?

    Every individual involved in such relationships has a personal reason and for us to judge based on OUR experiences sounds a bit harsh and disrespectful of their unique experiences. Not all are about players, dogs and so on. Someone suggested that was a reason so many men go on the down-low. Is that really preferable to “cheating”, divorce, or polygamy? What if the relationship between “cheaters” is about fulfilling the unfulfilled part and it is mutually satisfying without it being demanding or more than either is able to give? Who are we to judge folks who willingly and knowingly enter such unions? Why is it wrong or criminal to seek a “plug in” for a sexless marriage? If a man or woman is unable to have sex for some reason or another, does that automatically mean their spouse is doomed to celibacy? Is the only solution to this divorce, down-lowing or prostitution?

    Why is it okay for the French to have lovers and mistresses but not so in America? Why is divorce lower in France than in America? Maybe it is a lot more complex and maybe it is something worthy of more intensive scientific study than our knee jerk reactions.

  • babiedawl

    This article hit home for me. i got involved with a married man a few months back. He did a great job painting the set for me about how unhappy he was. Hed wake up early and come home late. Hed made excuses to work on the weekends. Every chance he got he was out. After we started messing around, he started to feel guilty. He started leaving work early to be home with her. he even took some vacation time claiming it was for the kids. This article hit it dead on when it said, “married men dont leave! They are more in love with their kids than anything!” he will never leave those kids, and what kind of woman am I If I ask him to? It doesn’t madder what I mean to him. It madders what those kids mean, and theres nothing she can do to separate him from them.

  • three years

    i was onilne trying to find help . ive been involved with a married man for three years. and now my emotions have gotten the best of me. ive fallen in love with someone i can not have. i need to leave but its a drug and he says he can not say goodbye to me either. im really in need of help to stop the addiction of this man. ive heard everyone tell me what to do and im still not ready to pull the bandaide off but i need more to just quit.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1330825883 Na Taya

    This is why people need to take the time to see who they are getting involved with before they get their feelings caught up. If a man tells you early on that he is married there is nothing left to discuss. Deuces playa….. It is only a desperate, needy woman with low self esteem that would continue a relationship with someone who is clearly unavailable. Ladies get some therapy learn SELF love and how to live without the attachment of someone elses man.

    @Maria I love your post and think you are spot on

  • Judy Whitney-Davis

    The irony of all of this is that most men will leave a wife for a mistress, if given a chance. But remember the Old adage; if he will cheat with you, he will cheat ON you. How do I know? After my divorce, I became the “other woman” for a while! I got a dark satisfaction knowing that the mistress he left me for was getting the same treatment I lived through! But after a while, I grew up and gave him his final walking papers. I went on with my life. I saw the woman recently; shelooks worn and angry. I’ve lost weight, discovered a new career, and discovered that my life was better without a man who didn’t see my love and beauty.

  • http://yahoo bdcubley

    Ladies…Ladies…Ladies…u all get caught up n the game. Take notes from an old schooler…don’t play the game, play the playa. U always win walking away with the last laugh. It’s 2 deep 2 go n2 but trust me u will always win and his feelings are the only ones hurt because he can’t believe he was taken so fast. Remember u are the game so u set the rules because men are so naive

  • Sandy

    I’m a wife who has just survived her husband’s affair. I think mistresses haven’t a clue what really happens when the man is cheating. They think he is unhappy at home and he can’t leave because of the kids. That’s what he tells you so you don’t know he’s a total a**hole. In my case, the mistress believed the same thing. But unfortunately it wasn’t true. I left my husband for a year and during the entire year he was at my house every single day. I thought he just wanted to see his kids but 99% of the time he would send them to bed because he only wanted to spend time talking to me, dining out, theatre etc. I also offered him to take his kids and live with them and the mistress and he refused. Obviously the mistress believed he was coming to my house for his kids only, yet he was coming to see me even though we were not sleeping together, not for his lack of trying though. During the separation we became friends again and he admitted to me in an unguarded moment that most men do not cheat because they don’t want their wives. He said that in his opinion, men cheat because of opportunity. If a woman is willing they go for it. I thought he was lying until I had several people including his best friend’s wife (my darling spy) telling me that since we separated he had lost interest in the mistress and was avoiding her and suddenly she wasn’t his type. Anyway after a year of him pleading to come home to try again I gave in. My point is, mistresses must stop believing that they hold the key to happiness over married men. If he is telling you he can’t leave for the kids, chances are he is lying. The fable about the unhappy marriage and love for kids is just to save face. If you don’t believe it, ask the mistresses who have given ultimatums and they will tell you what happens. When a man is with a mistress, they spend stolen moments together so it’s an unreal fantasy. The mistress knows he is only with her for a short time so she keeps everything perfectly waxed and pretty & is on her best behavior at all times. But let the two of them actually live together & the facade on both sides quickly fades as reality sets in. Of course I am still suffering from the aftermath (thoughts of the betrayal etc.) but I feel more sorry for the mistress who he snarled at in our final confrontation: “I don’t want you. I am not staying for my kids. I want my wife. She is my very existence. You were just a body. Yes I know I told you I loved you… I lied.”

    • none

      I have to leave a comment with all respect. Not all man choose the wife ,because we love her…choosing the wife over the mistress or the lover does not mean that we didn’t love them to begin with. It’s not like taking off a pair of pants and putting on another. Marriage comes with baggage , car’s , mortgage , friends and family…the only thing that bonds us to a mistress is the feeling… the love can be their for them, but it’s much harder to face everything else that comes with the wife.. so call us cowards. I loved, loved the mistress. My it took me a long time to build my reputation, plus my wife couldn’t make it on her own, my mistress would be better off without me… she will be shattered, but will pick up her pieces and go on. My wife wouldn’t be able to do that…Everybody here seems to blame mistress…the married man is the one who made vows to his wife ..not the mistress.

      • Anonymous

        You say “my wife couldn’t make it on her own, my mistress will be able to go on, she’ll pick up the pieces..” But I actually think you are being quite wrong to your wife – doesn’t she deserve to experience the same kind of feelings and love (that u felt with your mistress) with someone else? isn’t it a bit selfish that you just want her to be happy with you?
        And what about the mistress? You say she’ll pick up her pieces and go on, but actually she may always wonder what was wrong with her personality/what she did wrong to feel that despite the feelings you shared so deeply, you still chose your wife over her.
        And if she realises you were a wimp, I think she’ll feel angry with you – it was ok to hurt her weren’t it but not your wife? When in truth mate, it probably has been harder for the mistress to get over things. Some have just been so hurt in their past they pretend they will get over it or act tough when in reality, she may be spending every day curled in a ball wishing she could just die to get rid of the pain. The hurt may stay with her for years and years, wheras your wife, yes it would have killed her too, but at least she would have the chance of healing if she met someone else with a deeper connection. The mistress may just settle now for someone and never properly get over it. There’s no excuse for being a coward. We get one life mate, one life, let your wife find someone who she deserves, we all have to hurt people some times, and sometimes it has to be done because you love her and want that for her. Get some balls!

    • Anonymous

      And what are you – a doormat? He is going to continue to see other women. Probably YOU don’t know what happened. Probably the mistress got sick of the situation. If your husband is having affairs he doesn’t respect you or fully love you and your marriage is not right. I would get on with my life without the drama where you are trying to justify his actions with stupid reasons. He doesn’t love you enough! Women who have cheating husband’s need to wake up and get the hell out ofthere. Ewww ho that you have your std checks done regulary. Hes prob doing it at lunchtime as most affairs happen then — not after work!


    Am currently dating a MM, after a break up with my ex bf and lots of Family issues, I met dis guy on a social media, we strted talkn regularly, he calls and bbm, den I askd him if he was married nd he said yes, also asked if he has a kid, and told me he has a son, by then I had fallen for him, he showed me love nd care bcuz. I was emotionally drained. He asked me out and I told him yes. We became sexually Active, he’s very good in bed, he provides for me financially, bcuz am nt yet wrking, he enrolled me in a project mgt training nd so many more things, he advises me. I like him but I know it wld work out, so I see it as for the benefits that’s all and the care. I told him that our rlthnship shld nt affect his marriage bcuz I don’t want to b d cause of any marital issue. We are very carefull In what we are doing. In summary I am not dating him to break his family but for d benefits, sex, lots of money, advises,care and love and I know it wld nt last anywayz. P.S – we strted datind ad sex nothing less than twice in a week and have gone for a weekend together.

    • Nia Syrah

      Thanks for the response Sylvee.. Although, the article was written from a standpoint of wanting an actual relationship with the man… You seem to be content with what appears to be whoring yourself out for your money and benefits and whatnot.. If cat is rich enough to do all that, it has nothing to do with you being special to him.. You are a willing participant in his quest for ass outside the marriage so do you (and him I guess)… And like most men, hes doing what he has to do in order to get it no less than twice a week… Maybe when it’s all over you can pick your self esteem up off the floor and work on getting past those family and emotional issues….

      • Disgusting

        You are a whore.your parents would be ashamed of you.

    • McThick

      How about you learn to type like an adult. Perhaps that will help you to not be such a (** NO NAME CALLING! **).

  • ron

    Bottom line is if your spouse has cheating on you before, you have someone you can’t trust or believe.Then it’s up to you weather or not you want to continue living, and staying married to that person.Just don’t be surprised when it happens again.Because it will,especially if you stayed with him/her .They will do it again because you didn’t leave him/or her.You know a zebra can’t change it’s stripes.So don’t be surprised, expect it to happen again.People don’t change their behaviors just because they get caught.They just learn how to be sneakier and better liers.I just hope you don’t catch something else they can infect you with.STD’s are real and can really ruin your day.

  • Debi

    I met a married man a year and a half ago. I DID NOT KNOW at first that He was married…I fell hard and fast for this man. We talked for 2 months online before meeting… I dated him several times and then he told me he was married. I kicked him out of my house and my life. Unfortunately, I was already totally in love with him. I called him and told him that if he really loved me he needed to separate from his wife. he did it. Then there was the lies and trying to keep his house and the waffling back and forth. He had a lot of financial security and material things. He moved in with me and started telling me he desired to marry me. He left me a few times and I was foolish and took him back..lol love SUCKS with someone who is not available.. What an idiot I was.
    Breaking off with him was so difficult . He cam crawling back after leaving this past April . he sent me a dozen roses, danced with me in the rain and took unofficial vows with me. He has had zero contact with his soon ex.. so he claims. He lives here with me and is still forwarding things to his lawyer to settle his divorce. Trusting him is virtually impossible. I love this man completely. For the most part we get along fantastic.. hes quite OCD and IM more laid back and quick tempered. Im waiting for him to bolt again and when he does I will not leave a door open for him. So far he is still here but I fear every day he will leave… my advise? DONT ever date a married man or aman going through a divorce ! If I could do this again Id say Goodbye immediately and never have sex with the guy.
    He is still here and claims he loves me. he calls me his wife.. I have no ring on my finger and I only hear his empty promises. Im giving him 3 more weeks to complete his negotiations.. if he is not done Im breaking things off…

  • Meroujan

    I would like to say that this is a difficult topic but it REALLY IS NOT!!
    Just don’t do it!!
    I don’t want to be cruel to people who are in this situation but me being cruel does not make what you are doing OK!!
    Seriously.. in what world would a situation like this ever end well for ANYONE???
    Even if you get the man to marry you what makes you think he will not get bored of you as the years go by and do the same thing with somebody else…
    now think how you would feel about that other woman trying to steal away your husband.. would it feel good?

    A person does not just marry and have children for fun..
    what makes you think that whatever you have with him or her is stronger than that marriage bond with children involved…
    Seriously… a topic like this really annoys me.
    Are people purely driven by their hormones or something??
    Just remember that lust comes and goes.
    Love takes time and cannot be found starting from a basis of lies…

    Comon people… I understand fulfilling human urges but there are other ways to take care of those needs without having a mistress or on the flip side having to date a married person to find extra exictement in lust. And if you don’t know the person is married at first that’s ok, but the second you find out that is your cue to leave… why would you stay? you are inlove? love cannot exist when a relationship is founded on a lie..

    And yes you might say, but love takes time and you were not inlove yet when the person lied to you. So?…
    A person who is OK with lying like that on the first day isnt exactly the type of person who will stop lying or even have a problem with lying once YOU have found him/her…

    And if you have just found out and did not know before. Don’t try to justify your actions on sites like these, get your friends to help you emotionally to onvercome this situation and put it behind you. Don’t indulge yourselves in fantasy, thinking that your situation is different to the millions of other adultary cases which end up in divorce, loss of children supervision, depression and in some cases violence.

    This has happened since the beginning of time and romanticising it is a HUGE part of the problem.. Weight out the pro’s and con’s of the relationship honestly and any rational mind will realise that it is not worth it.
    I know it is easy to fool oneself into thinking your situation is different but that is what everyone says.
    just look at all the similar cases and use your willpower to get out!

  • Blonde Girl

    Oh wow. Sadly to say i am the same Blonde Girl that posted in febuary and wow this is quite an eye opener seeing my post from 8 months ago!!
    I tried to leave then and 100 times since, but my married man is quite the talker and i guess im just too blind or too weak to not put a stop to it once and for all.
    Dont do this to yourselves ladies, please!! Its emotional warfare where the game isnt fair and there arent even any rules. You have no control and you lose.
    Love just isnt enough, trust me. I live my mm deeply, and him me, but there is no future to be built on sneaking around and hiding. Call him on his bluff and see what happens. You dream he will step up and confess his live for you but he wont- he will deny you and find excuse after excuse to stay with the wife he claims not to love.
    I am in it, and keeping myself sane by playing my own game, taking care of myself and not limiting my future to just him anymore. I did for a long time and it got me nowhere, so now im stepping up for myself, and if he doesnt like it then he can leave me. Its a vicious cycle that i wish i never got involved in!!!!!

    • Nia

      hey blonde.. i know i’m late with my response so i hope this email finds you single and still coping. i know where you are and can only promise you it will get better.. but you HAVE TO stick to your guns.. you have to treat this like death and actually mourn the relationship in a sense.. you absolutely cannot be friends with this guy (what for??) or else you are guaranteed to slide back into old bad habits.. do you have friends that were aware of your situation? if so – bury yourself in activities with them.. get a hobby.. fill your time with something to do other than think about the situation.. and for pete’s sake block this cat from your phone!! if you have the last word in this it will make you feel way better once the worst is over :)

  • three years

    i get more and more mad at myself . especially as i continue to read everyones post
    the addiction and i have an additciotn to this man and i have trouble saying no to.
    lucky for me we are not in the same state so i keep myself busy without him. but when the phone rings, the text shows up or the doorbell rings.. i melt all over again.

  • ron

    I completely agree with Meroujan .Everyone who is having an affair should read and take notice to that comment for sure.I’m guilty of having an affair with a married woman for almost 2 years.And I finally realized enough was enough.It’s a dead end and any future would have been based on lies and deception.I realized I would of ended up with someone I wouldn’t be able to trust.If she could cheat on her husband, why wouldn’t she be able to do that to me.It was very difficult to leave the situation.But you need to see reality before trying to live a fantasy.Not to mention getting caught..What would you want to do to a guy that was screwing your wife,for 2 years.I would want to inflict as much hurt upon that guy as possible.So before it went there, I needed to get out of dodge.I finally told my unfaithful married lover to get in touch with me if she ever became available.We;’ll see if that ever happens, it’s been a year since I last heard from her.Oh well, she either got another lover or mended her marriage.Not my problem anymore.I’m happy to say ,I’m involved with a single woman now.Alot less drama.

  • http://chesterbeecher@facebook.com Chester Beecher

    This will not be a popular post, I think.

    My sister was involved with a married man for 19 years, they were and are very much in love.

    At 19 years, (and his wife had, at points in the marriage, been aware of the relationship with my sister) the wife confronted him and made him leave. They quickly divorced and the man reported directly to my sister’s door and is still with her. They are happily married.

    I guess they would say it was worth it. Yes, he did stay for the children, ….and then some, apparently.

    –living in a mansion in the country.

    Thanks, -Chess

    • hanna green

      chess, i don’t believe none of that bullshit you just lied about

  • Blonde Girl

    We went from man of my dreams to mortal enemies in hours. You were all right, and i didnt listen! I thought we had something special, amazing, but when it came down to it and he had everything in place to be with me, he sweet talked me all the way up until an out of the blue text message.
    Yes text message.
    Strangers have shown me more compassion than the man i thought truly loved me, and i wouldve done anything for.
    He texted me and i will never chase a man who doesnt respect me any more than that- after doing so much for him for so long.
    My heart will never be the same- i feel crazy but i know i tried, i was honest, and he was just plain using me and lying. He has to live with that and the regret of his l choices. I love him and wish him the best, and when i recover from this trainwreck i will never- ever do this again :(

  • ron

    Bottom line is that if you decide to get involved with a married person you are asking for trouble and to be used.Used for sex ,companionship, to pass the time, etc.It’s not a real relationship.You only come into the picture when the married person has time to give you at their convienience.You can’t go over to their house, you have to be invisible.When you love someone, you don’t want to share them with someone else.You are hurting yourself by staying in such a foolish position.You’re putting your love life on holdMarried people that cheat want their cake and want to eat it too..Lastly your married lover is putting you in danger.If their spouse finds out about the affair YOU will be thrown under the bus.YOU will be blamed.And more than likely YOU will be the one shot because YOU will be labeled the home wrecker. Bottom line,Go get your own SINGLE lover,leave the married ones alone.

    • faith2013

      I do agree, i was a single women, didnt know of marriage til it was to late, my heart didn’t want to let go of him. He said give him time & he would leave his wife, cause he loved me.Its been 3 yrs im in the same place, always attending gatherings alone, spending holidays & birthdays alone, sleep alone, he says its getting closer to him leaving ,all that has changed is im older,wasted 3yrs, & she considers me the home wrecker. How does a wife know about the mistress this long and still stays with the husband . Allows him to b gone on weekends, not come hm during the week… And believes he at friends house…Really? Well i finally had an eye opener reading all these comments…. Its time for me to move on I DESERVE BETTER!!! If ur in a situation w/a married man…. Please get out b4 he takes more of ur time, money, love & most of all ur RESPECT for urself!!! U CANT TEACH AN OLD DOG NEW TRICKS!!!!!


        aw———————————–wwwh, because it’s HER husband, and not yours, maybe you should ask yourself, how does one lay with a man who is someone elses husband and allow him to do that , THAT’S THE DAMN QUESTION

  • Jo Teamo

    Well, I was involved in a long term extramarital affair with Herb J, who was 26 years older and was the CFO at the company I worked for at the time. I regret it to this day. It sickens me to think about it now because he had a wife and two grown children. His daughter is only one year younger than me, Yuck! Now many yers later, it is hard to believe that this didn’t bother him during the six years we were ” together”. I guess he was addicted to the thrill and ego inflating situation of being with such a young and pretty woman. I was young, naive and a single mother- this is not an excuse-I was wrong-but I needed guidance and he was there. In retrospect, I realize now that he was the father figure that I so dearly wanted and lacked as a child but I could not see this at that time. It is now obvious that this man knew exactly the role he needed to play in order to have me as his young sex toy and if he did really love me, he wouldmhave ended it after a while..so i could find a suitable man mynage to settle down with because he was not leaving his wife. What a fool I was to allow this short, wimpy man ( who dyed his gray hair to look younger! )be the man I looked up to. It bothers me today that I did that to his wife and adult children..it was selfish, foolish and just plain wrong. I hope that they are happy today and will enjoy their soon to be 50 th wedding anniversary.
    You must think of everyone that is involved in an extramarital affair but there are always alot of lives that can be damaged. Please think it over from the ” other family’s” perspective and see the man or woman for who they truelly are…..it is plain to see, just look at the situation that the person is working so hard at willingly putting themselves into…….for what…sex? Admiration? respect? Think it through and get the advice of an older, wiser same sex friend.Sincerely, Joe Teamo

  • Joanna

    I was unhappily married for 3 years when I met a married man who was seemingly the most caring and charming man ever (the kind that absolutely everybody loves, men and women). He was really interested in me, and that was really good for my ego since my own husband frequently attacked my self-esteem and put me down… I tried to make it work with my husband for another 3 years, but the truth of it was that I thought about the other man all the time (ALL the time)… I’d known the other for a year when we had a conversation in which he told me about the problems in his marriage and how his wife had tricked him into getting pregnant with their daughter and that the kid was the reason he didn’t get a divorce… how he actually saw ME as a woman he would like to have his child, how he admired me etc… but at some point in the conversation, he got my name wrong. Yes. Supposedly, he called me by the name of his best friend’s girlfriend… well, I was really infatuated and let that slide… he had a family trip paid for and we sort of agreed to wait for a few months. We never kissed. We exchanged a few of phone calls and text messages but he only really seemed to show that he cared about me when he saw me… Meanwhile, my husband convinced me to keep trying. We didn’t keep in touch and simply saw each other again a few months later. I’d come to the conclusion that he didn’t care about me, but I still kept thinking about him. I suppose I was needy. I knew that the fact that I was married was probably an advantage, in his point of view… He really didn’t show that he cared all that much about me, except when I was in front of him, but I made up excuses for him (busy etc). Well, I kept my distance until we had a project that we had to do together. I hadn’t been able to get him out of my head, even after the two years that had gone by, but I was sure I’d be able to handle it. Well, I was wrong. I came to the conclusion that my marriage was over and so a separated and decided to give in to this… I knew I’d never be able to trust him in a serious relationship but I thought I had to get this physical attraction over and done with…

  • Joanna

    Continuing: Well, he still wanted me, but I made sure he knew that I was doing this against my principles, against my religion, because I was simply crazy about him and because I had fought so much against it but it had been in vain… We were together a couple of times before he travelled with his daughter for 10 days (apparently his wife couldn’t go). We talked on the phone, we exchanged text messages… he left me waiting on both of our first two “dates”, but when we were together it was really nice… His kiss wasn’t all of what I was expecting, but I wanted to like it… He was really sexy during sex though, although he did lose his erection a couple of times, supposedly due to the condom (he’s 43)… If he had wanted me so much for so long, was that normal?… Well, anyway, he went on his trip and we kept in touch but nowhere near as much as I would have liked, and so I started to show (with hints in my text messages) that I wasn’t pleased with attitude… and before he even came back home he was already saying that our relationship had given him the desire and courage to leave his wife, but that he had to step back from our relationship for a while. He said he couldn’t keep in touch in any way or form… I was really taken aback and couldn’t quite understand what was happening… Why couldn’t we talk on the phone occasionally? Send a text message? I couldn’t accept that… This was about a month after we first got together. My body craved his like mad, but if we could at least keep in touch I would be able to wait for him, but, he wouldn’t have it. He is one of the most polite people I’ve ever met and not the kind of person to end a relationship badly and I accused his of all sorts of thing, but he would always say that he need this time away from me blah blah blah… There came a point where I actually believed that he did care about me but that he was going through something (he wouldn’t tell me what it was) that made it impossible for us to keep in touch… I always assumed that he was having a hard time separating… I kept on sending him loving emails and text messages…

  • Joanna

    Continuing: This went on for weeks. I accessed his facebook page several times a day, I sometimes ended up seeing his in the corridors of where we met… He hardly ever replying to my emails or anything and, when he did, it was either like 3 words or something about having to stay away from me… And then there was this day when I sent him a message about meeting him because I missed him so much (I had not done that) and he said yes. We met once on that week and then once again the following week, but then, a few days later, he said that he couldn’t go on seeing me, that this was really difficult for him, he really cared about me, but that he was going through a time of getting to knowing himself better and that he really could keep that up… He had been rather distant in the last two encounters, so I was really starting to accept the fact that it wasn’t working… but I was devastated. Ever since he came back from his trip, I would cry so much, everyday… I couldn’t believe we couldn’t be together, I’d waited so such so give myself to him, what had happened? What was he going through? Well, I stayed away for a few days, but then I sent him message asking him if he was in fact a scumbag, if I could have been so wrong about someone, if he was in fact happy in his marriage and on, and on, and on (huge message)… and asked to tell me what had happened, because, otherwise, I would think the worse of him… I said how I’d given myself to him with all my heart despite knowing how wrong it was to get involved with a married man etc and asked him what had been HIS excuse for getting involved with me… The next day, I sent him a message saying the even though he hadn’t replied, I knew he couldn’t be such a monster… he replied a couple of days later.

  • Joanna

    Continuing: He said that even though he still really cared for me and that I had innumerous qualities that he looked for in a woman, in one of the times he had seen me in the corridors of where we met, I had a reaction that he could never have imagined and that that had proven to him that I was very similar to his ex and to his present wife and that, from that moment on, a future with me had become impossible, that we would never work as a couple… Well, it’s a really, really long story and I’ve already written too much, but it was really unfair of him (supposing it’s true). Now, I just believe that he wears one huge mask everyday and fools everyone… I knew him for 3 years before all this happened, he wasn’t a stranger I simply jumped in bed with… sometimes I ask myself if all of this really happened… I’ve cried so much over these last few weeks and I still cry a little almost everyday… How could this have happened? I don’t know. He didn’t care at all for me. He just wanted sex, and not too much at that… I’m trying to get do new things (wine and astronomy courses) to try to pull my thoughts from revenge (he’s not friends with his wife on facebook (?!?!), but I’ve found her… I keep wanting to send her a message… maybe one to her sister… especially because he tried to have sex with me without a condom… I didn’t let him but who knows what other women are like, and that is really dangerous to his wife, evidently… at least that would be my excuse…) I can’t believe he’s going to get out of this unscathed… He really should suffer. The way I left things, I pretend I don’t see him and he won’t come and talk to me. I’ve made it very clear to him how considerate he was towards my feelings last time we saw each other and he didn’t come to talk to me… Supposedly, I can’t talk to him because it’s too painful, but I really I don’t want to talk to him and I don’t want to pretend that nothing happened for other peoples’ sakes… I want to tell people how two-faced he is, but I know no one will believe me… EVERYONE thinks he’s absolutely wonderful… Just as I did a few months ago… Not to mention that he could really hurt my career, so I’m cautious… I keep wondering how a man who says he’s so close to his mother and to his daughter can treat women (his wife, me) like this… What goes on inside the head of a man like this?…

  • sophia

    I’m amazed at how many people are in a similar situation…
    I think I may have fallen for a man (married, ofcourse), who’s about 10 years older
    than me. I didn’t know he was married at first, but I can’t make that an excuse
    since I have a boyfriend myself… one that I’ve been with for 6 years.
    Never within those years have I even taken a second look on another guy, but for
    a strange reason, I have now, after so many years, and he’s married!!
    I truely love my boyfriend, but I just don’t feel any sexual attraction to him anymore.
    I care for him and love him, I do, but I just feel awkward whenever he wishes to touch me.
    I even feel repelled when he tries to have sex with me.

    On the other hand, that MM really attracts me sexually. I know this sounds very bad,
    but he really has something that makes me horny. This might just be lust, idk, but
    I feel the infatuated feeling I haven’t felt for years. Right now, I just go for dinner with him
    since I enjoy just being with him, and not sure about this situation. I also do not want to jeopardise
    his wife/children’s lives by any means… I really don’t know what to do with this dirty feeling…:(

  • GLiTTeR Gal

    @ Na Taya
    It is unfair to assume that woman who find themselves in this situation are “needy”, “lonely”, or “desperate”, but for arguments sake, let’s consider for a moment that she is all of the above, would’nt she too be a victim fallen prey to her predator? Think of it as “date rape” or emotional abuse; in both of these instances, the victim is unaware of the predators intent. Predators of this type, a/k/a CHEATERS, PLAYERS, DOGZ, are masterfully skilled at their craft and have had years of experience, of which their wives have largely conributed, by remaining in their loveless, dysfunctional “legal arrangement”, instead of growing a spine , and finding a divorce lawyer. Men feel if they can msitreat their wife, the one whom they vowed their life , then what chance does the mistress or any woman, for that matter, have; he is damaged goods. Continuing in relationships of this sort with “blinders on” only delays the inevitable; MORE CHEATING. Why? BECAUSE HE CAN! So, wives, step up to the plate and assume responsibility for YOUR OWN FAILED MARRIAGES (look within; STOP BLAMING THE OTHER WOMAN! They actually help your cause by doIng your job; satisfying them sexually, cooking their meals, consoling them, being First National Bank, etc. They are the reason you receive gifts, vacations , and romantic dates you otherwise would not . Mistresses are people too!

  • Aluta Salami

    I really want to thank for saving my marriage. My husband really treat me bad and left the home for almost 1 month i was sick because of this, then i contacted traditionalspellcaster for help, they told me that my husband is under a great spell of another woman. They cast a spell of return back of love on him. And he came back home for forgiveness and today we are happy again, i want you all who are having relationship, ex and even husband problem to contact traditionalspellhospital@gmail.com. Wish you all success.

  • yankeedoodle

    Too much drama to bear with the guilt and hiding amd never being open. In my case I fell for a married man. He was unhappy in his marriage. He didn’t have the balls to leave her but she ended up filing for divorce after finding out about us. We stuck together but all the guilt he carries has set damage on our relationship as we near closer to his divorce date. Now he has more guilt and is scared about his future and what his kids will think or his family and friends. He feels shameful that they will judge him. But most devastating is that he feels his kids will hate him. He talks about having a healthy relationship to introduce to his kids but really I feel he doesn’t know what it means. Seems like as his divorce nears hes having doubts about us and is scared. All the while ive been trying to take steps to ensure we support one another thru his loss.
    Long story short, if he really loves you he will want to move mountains to get there. In my case he is so consumed with the burden of guilt that he can’t see anything positive about himself or his future. It hurts because I feel used and that hes not fighting enough to try.

    • ddomg123

      Because he’s lhOmg open your eyes he’s only with you because his wife left him and won’t forgive him if she didnt file for dorce he would have already dropped you he’ s having doubts about you too as the divorce nears because he doesn’t want a divorce but he’s scared his wife is going to go threw with it in your case he’s not consumed with the burden of guilt he’s lying to you,and your lying to yourself you guys r falling apart and he’s not fighting for you guys because hes fighting for his wife he can’t see anything positive about himself orhis future

      • ddomg123

        He can’t see anything positive about himself or his future because he feels lost without his wife and his wife ia his future so facing the fact that he might have to,live without he is consuming him he’s distant from you because he’s on in toes ready to drop you as soon as she snaps he finger he’s he’s getting ready to profess his love for her by leaving you chances are he already begged her to take him back a exaggerated amount of time oferring to to leave you if it was up to him hewould hahave left you a long time ago to work it out sure he was ok at first until reality sunk in,that he may beatuckk wwith you for now and that she might really never forgive hom and take him back he’s sobbing to you all hos stress but not telling you ita for his wife do you really think this divorce isn’t destroying him? you were suppose to be a fling it was suppose to be fun and ahe was suppose too forgive him and they were supposed to spend the rest of their lives together if a man loves you he don’t care what people think of you too everyone knows he had an affair already so it wouldn’t matter if they see you too he doesn’t want to be seen with you because you are still his little secret and he doesn’t want his wife to know about you too because he’s hoping they still have a chance together if he really left his wife for yo he wouldn’t care about who see you too and would be happy if he was so unhappy with her truth is he is unhappy without her and was happy with her but took her for granted to have a fling for a little excitement

    • AMBER1975

      I’m sorry but he did not leave his wife for you he is with u bcuz SHE LEFT HIM its not that he didn’t have tha ballz 2 leave her its that he did not intend 2 :( if she did not file and wanted 2 work it out he indeed would not have filed becuz he loves her and would have began to keep his distance from you to end things and work things out with her and said he needed time to himself he’s embarrassed of what others would think and wanted it to die down so people would not think badly of u 2 he is consumed with guilt but is not being honest y? Hes feeling guilty for hurting the woman he loves so bad she can’t forgive him he feels like crap for making such a huge mistake that was not worth it..yes that’s u sorry..his emotional crisis is bcuz he is losing the woman he loves he’s showing unhappiness misery and piling away and not trying bcuz he is unhappy with u n without her miserable with u if he is not trying its bcuz he does not care about u! if he is acting as so he doesn’t want to be with u its bcuz he doesntt..pulling away..if it looks like a duck walks like a duck quacks like a duck..IT’S A DUCK!! IF HE DOESN’T WANT TO B AEEN WITH U THEN HE

      • AMBER1975

        The relationship 2 go anywhere that is y he does not want people to know about u but won’t tell u cuz he’s using u n if he told u ..u would cause a guys for using u nd he doesn’t care for u to Otto.g up with fighting like a real relationship cuz that’s not Wat he want ..jus to use u well things r still going good or until his wife wants him back if u don’t believe give him an ultimatum b4 the divorce is final to come out in the open with Ur relationship especially so his wife or ex wife knows orD.or u walk nd I bet hell say he needs apace n ull pick up were u left off wen things cool down basically sropp u like a hot tamale with nice words….watch tell him u seen his ex wife in the store happy as ever with another man inrodiced as her boyfriend so h..then reassure him everything turned out fine n now there both happy n watch him expression hea going to explode inside n it’ll show in his face n he will contact her..this will b Ur clue 2 ditch the scumbag cuz if he did it to her hell do it to u a guy who cheats is a type of guy n if it wasn’t u it would of been someone else it is who he is n wen the opportunity presents itself hell take it so do urself a favor sweety don’t SETTLE

    • DORY


  • ADA

    This article, as well as many of the comments here, are making a lot blank statements, false assumptions, and over generalization about these type of situations. I’ll just say a few things.

    1. A man can leave his wife and not his kids. Where do you people get this idea that wife and kids is a bundle of some sort. A man doesn’t lose custody of his kids just because he leaves his wife.

    2. Actually, most relationships go nowhere. Women can date countless men, jump from relationship to relationship and never find their prince. Why then just single out affairs with married men then? Even the article pointed out that the woman may already by “broken”. From what? From failed relationships with single men!

    3. The comparison between the married man and hypothetical single man is simply a false comparison. If the married man, having to consider also what is good for the kids, makes the “chick on the side” not his first priority, it’s only because the single guy has no such constraints. It could well be that the married man values his “side chick” more then the single guy dating his gf. The latter is his priority because his choices are among less valuable alternatives (there are no kids to hurt or “betray”).

    • http://halloftheblackdragon.com/ Greg Dragon

      Let me get this straight, are you seriously comparing the woes of dating single men (sans attachment, ring, promise, and children) with dating married guys who cheat on their wives?

      • friendsonly

        I actually like what ADA says here. This post makes a major point. A single, committed man can do the same thing to his girlfriend that a married man can do to a wife. I don’t believe people value marriage anymore the way they used to and it’s become just a piece of paper that cost a hell of a lot of money come time for divorce. What would you say an unmarried man with kids cheating on his girlfriend? Same as a married man doing it. Attachments, rings and promises mean nothing in this day and age.

    • Nia Syrah

      You must not have kids if you think life will be the same with them whether you are with the mom or not. That is a very ignorant statement. Secondly, there is no comparison to a failed relationship with a single man..you are correct that relationships do fail and that is a part of life, but one is healthy part of life (should your choices be good people where it just didn’t work out) the other is not…

    • tonny

      I can see what you MAY be trying to say about the the bundle thing. I have made
      the mistake of getting involved with a MM who said he was unhappy in his marriage for many years. I told him we needed to do the right thing and end things between us. He hesitated a few days while we were over and told me later that he had told his wife for the third time he was unhappy and wanted out. She said she was unhappy too and they agreed to separate and talk about divorce. She blasted him a few days later and confronted him about me. He didn’t lie and tried to tell her that it was more than that. She filed for divorce. He said he felt no regret for leaving the marriage but he does worry about how his kids will take it. He said he thinks the divorce is the best thing for the wife and him. The thing that gets me is that he actually wanted the wife to end the marriage because he didn’t want to be the one to say it and it would lessen the guilt on his part if she did the ending. Go figure. So I guess I was just the escape route he had been waiting for for seven years. He still sees his kids three days a week at his place. They’re doing well. His paranoia right now is that his soon to be ex wife will tell his kids dirty details and they will blame him for the divorce. They are 7 and 12. When he moved out or rather got kicked out, the wife sat with him and the kids and told them that daddy had lied to mommy and made her sad so now he needs to leave. Theyve been going to counseling since the separation and have a great relationship with him. His fear is that after the divorce is final, what will he say to family and friends? He says he will have guilt and shame having to say he had an affair and so his marriage ended. He feels his wife will tell everyone its because of that even tho they were both unhappy for years. It takes two in a relationship, so I think he should be upfront about that part. Altho he says I wasn’t the cause of his marriages demise but I was a symptom. He has a lot of guilt and cannot face telling people the truth. So even tho we are not together, I cannot even be his friend anymore. Even the thought of having me as a friend makes him cringe of anyone finding out he didn’t end things properly with the wife from the start. So now he is hiding one lie with another lie over another lie. Its a vicious cycle. And the biggest lie he fears is with his kids. But he’s too scared to admit his mistakes and won’t take responsibility. Out goes our friendship and in goes more lies.
      Sorry for the rant, but yes….he divorced his wife not his kids.I wish him the best. The truth always comes out.

  • what.a.sucker.i.was

    @11af4dbbb3888ad6e9af66bfb61be1c7:disqus I know it’s been a while since you wrote this and don’t know how your story ended, but boy can I relate. So much of what you said happened to me….an extremely likable guy, no one would ever believe he is not, told me how unhappy he was in his marriage, I thought about him ALL the time, completely gave my heart over to him….and the list goes on…ugh!! I’m only about 2 weeks out of the relationship and am still trying to come to terms with him telling me, out of the blue, that he is not leaving home. I’ve had texts from him telling me how much he misses me and I finally asked why he tells me this when it was his choice to break things off. As much as I would like to believe what we had was “special”, I read these posts (especially yours) and think, “Same story, different guy”……boy, do I feel STUPID!!! I just hope I can a handle on the lack of self esteem that lead me to be vulnerable to him in the first place and NEVER allow me to do this to myself again. It is the single most devastating and humiliating experience I have ever been through.

  • Charlot

    I’m 27 years old and three weeks ago i found out that i am bf was cheating and has even impregnated the other girl. I no choice but to let go, but i met a spell lady priestessifaa@yahoo.com who did a spell to make the other lady got miscarriage and brought my lover to me crawling with his knees for forgiveness,. i just know and feel in my heart that I’m doing the right decision 4 me and my lover are getting married soon…..

    • http://halloftheblackdragon.com/ Greg Dragon

      I left your spam intact sans the email address because I find this hilarious. So instead of taking some pride in yourself and dropping the loser you go to a mighty sorceress and begged her to put a root on the other woman so that you can have the man… If anybody actually uses your services I feel very sorry for them. Thanks for the laugh.

  • Love Fool

    Even if he leaves his wife, when the time comes for you to marry him, you won’t want to, because he cheated on his wife.

  • JOSE.

    Found myself in that situation.i am married but was going thru hell and i started seein this gal and tnou she made me happyn mademy time worth,i couldnt leavemy wife for her and i ended up hurting an innocent girl and i so hate myself.

    • Sonya

      Thanks. Guys if you are half decent beings – finish one relationship first before starting another. If you don’t have true intentions don’t lead on a naieve girl – it breaks their heart and hurts them like hell.

    • Dani

      Takes a real man to admit that so well done

    • itwasbicoastal

      you should

  • bre321

    Please all men say their unhappy n throw their wife under the bus to play the victim n act like they normally wouldn’t cheat bit cus its u n there wife’s so bad it happened wen really Ur just a piece of tempting ass!!n if Ur that stupid then y not cus they don’t even care about u n as soon as u give them the ultimatum they’ll kick u TO the curb n choose their wife cus while they feed u all that bullahit cus u believe them n won’t tell on them so they” won’t lose everything” …which is just a trick to get u TO keep Ur mouth shut n willingly n willing sneak around while they use u……while alll that the still go home to the wife make love tell her howuch he loves her n HOW stressfull work is to excuse wen he’s with u without suspicion..wining n ding her…..my husband would say as an explanation y his coworks got him gifts was they were weirdly obsessed with him n HOW he would avoid her or ..the other one gave one to everyone n wen asked how he felt about them or of they were attractive he would describe them but all the ugly thing n say no them one time I seen a txt from one he told me about n denied mutual feeling ..angry that she went out with frienda only because he was going n he completely avoided her to the pinot that her friend had to ask y n HOW she’s thiere only because him n he said so n left …that dayiI was home waiting n called to come home cus I was off work early…she then pulled the ultimatum wen he tryed to sweeet talk her n then ask about being together on the side n SHE repeated n was mad then he jus stop talking to her completely….

  • alyaly

    Proof he wrote her a last messing confeasing hia love for me n that he didn’t want hher…well he wrote back saying a huge apology saying it was hhhis ex wife that didn’t want it to be over n got a hold of hhis phone while he was visiting our kid like wwe didn’t live together n he didn’t have sex with me all the time saying n doing loving things..n said that’s y it didn’t work I was too much I was jus using him…he made 9:00 an hour! He was soi.g really bas I was paying everything! While he got back up but saying he was used financially makes it easy to get her to spend all the time to proof shes not like the greedy. wife I confronted him n found out had a couple of affairs n wen I was ready to leave he begged n cryed for weeka nonstop texting calling 24/7treating me at work by me floqers take me out on dates this is wen he got back on his feet 7 mmoonths pass n still o would tell him to pick,up,kid child for visits n he wouldn’t agree unless I tagged along he insisted on me going no was not an answer visiting our child was an excuse to help himself inside my house to beg for me n TELL,me how beautiful I am n HOW he didn’t deaerve me n wouldn’t leave without me so I finally gave in n he promised but idk aboutt trusting a CHEATER I cight a woman messing my husband n wrote back she was way to sexual n open wen I wrote her like they talked like that before he said he met her once n SHE liked n friended him IMDb n that i was crazy he lovedm n would nevernever n that SHE replied that way because o Wut I wrote that they never talked like that of course I thought it was bull n hhe reassured me that she was way too old for him had too many kids already divorced saggy boobs butt ugly. n had nothing on me ..never then I see a txt message months later another woman txt about going to sleep with no panties on n stuff like that in thw middle of the night I called right away told her off n told him too he said he was sorry but that his buddy wrote her as a joke that she was really fat n ugly n that nothing happen well she said he didnt makw it seem as if he were tooken n that we were seperated n I was th crazy gf who wouldnt except it was over n all this crap n he told me the complete oppoaote!!lying little shit..I then messaged him on a fake profile pretending that I knew him n began flirting he ask to put more pics up tryed to set dates to meet I of course pretend caught him n he begged n cryed N said how ugly ahe was that

  • Lou

    My husband picked his mistress over me. So I disagree with the Men don’t leave their wives part.

    • Jena

      Lou do you still love your husband?

    • Debbie Nugus

      Hi Lou, I think your experience is the exception, rather than the rule though. I also think this new relationship your husband is unlikely to work as its built out of mistrust. That mistrust will come up again at some point.

    • itwasbicoastal

      agree they do

  • K

    I want a particular married man and I know he likes me. I’m married too. But I cannot get this other man out of my mind. It doesn’t help that we see each other periodically in social situations either. If he were to ever give in, I would just melt in his arms. Sounds horrible, but true.

    • itwasbicoastal

      Take an anti depressant. I will kill the euphoria and libido. Only heart aches awaits you if you move forward with this relationship.

  • Emma Halba

    A lot of men think toooooo loooowwww of women when they try to make single respected women their mistress…..I don’t envy women married to such men :(

  • sweetcrabsalad

    I wish I’d read this 3 years and a black hole of a heartbreak ago. He was a decent human being in that *he* ended it. I am yet to recover, though a year has passed.
    And the nature of the beast is such that recovering with friends and family is ruled out and I have to live in the same part of town where every street is painted with some memory. If I could, I’d tell each and every woman who “believes in true love” to live that fantasy out with a single man.

    • sickenednel

      Sweetcrabsalad, I am going through something very similar…..how can I contact u to talk?

  • Grace

    Try being the married man’s bastard.

  • Bibi

    This article comes with a strong assumption that the end goal of any relationship a single woman gets into should be marriage, or long term commitment . Let’s wake up from Mars, put on our multi- cultural lens to gain wider perspectives.
    People have found different reasons for dating across board, most of them we may not find noble from our perspective, but believe me, they are needful. The same pain and lack of general support you don’t get when an unmarried lover of yours leaves, is same you get with the married man. All other impressions are mere sentiments.As a single girl, no law protects you differently whether your partner is single or not.
    Know what is good for you, clearly spell out what you intend to achieve or gain from a relationship to enable you get to your dream next level. If the man or woman cannot offer it, then move to the next one. If sexual faithfulness is our yardstick for measuring successful relationship, then we fail, perhaps why America continuously fails. Couples stay together in developing countries despite polygamy and many cases of sexual infidelity, because they focus on the needful. Let’s stop this idealist myopic judgment of contextual scenarios.

  • Nana N Yuri Flores

    I’m going thru this now as we speak, I’ve been with my husband for 7 years and married for 7 months now and and he’s already falling in love with his coworker, he tells me he won’t leave me cause of my daughter but yet he continues to message her I’ve confronted and she tells me she’ll not fight for him nor wants to fight for him and says she’ll stay away . I need some advice will she really leave him alone idk what to do I don’t wana leave him but I also don’t wana keep getting hurt this isn’t the first time he’s done this , I love my husband very much

    • Nia Syrah

      nana..I’m sorry you are going through this.. I am not a therapist but I’m glad to give you my two cents.. you have a kid involved so my first thought is to think of them. people always say they are staying for the kids sake but kids are very perceptive when it comes to matters of the house. they know when mommy and daddy are not getting along, when daddy hurts mommy, when mommy has been crying, etc.. you have to make a decision of what would be the best environment for your boy..life with daddy on the weekends, or life of fighting parents.. your other option is to give him a second chance, but that would depend on the type of man he is and whether or not he deserves it..only you can make that decision.. as far as his mistress, you cannot trust her words. period. good luck to you..I hope it turns out well..

      • friendsonly

        NANA: You are in a sad situation. I’m going to tell you the two words you may not want to hear: Leave Him. My question to you is, when has he done this before? Was it before you married him? That’s always a deal breaker for me in deciding on a man being marriage material and obviously, your husband isn’t marriage material if he’s dabbled in this prior to you even marrying him. I don’t think having kids involved should cause people to stay because like the poster stated above, kids know what’s up in the household and it’s worse for them. If you stay, you’re giving your daughter a false sense of good morals in that this behavior is acceptable. Raise your standards and show her it is not acceptable. Chances are, if he has a relationship on the side 7 months into your marriage, what will he be doing after 10 years?

  • Sweetheart

    honestly am just confused. please you guys..what do i do? i was married with a baby girl but broke up with my husband after 3yrs of sever beatings,hatred & mal-treatment from my husband and his people. then i met this young, sweet,caring & humble guy after 8months of lonlines, he just told me on our first date that he married with 3kids. he cares for me a lot and is not in a hurry to have sex with me but i have kissed him twice..
    Am begining to love him that much but the fact that he is married tears me apart because i do not want to date a married man. even when i try to avoid him by not picking his calls or responding to his text messages, i will end up picking and when he talks, it sends shivers down my spine,then the next thing i wil hear is’Baby why are you avoiding me” what have i done”??.. i have even told him to let go of me because he is married but i can’t seem to take my mind off him… pls what do i do?

    • Danielle

      I know exactly what you are going through as I’m going through the same :( I’ve been seeing someone for just over a year now and he is the nicest caring man I have ever met. I know that he will never ever leave his wife and son and it breaks my heart, when he says that he loves me I truly believe him as I can see it in his eyes, I am so in love with him but I know that it’s so wrong and unfair on his wife and his son but by the same token I just can’t give him up, thing is Hun I’m gonna get badly hurt as one day he is going to leave me as I know he wants a brother or sister for his little boy in the future :( makes it even worse staying with him rly, must be a mug! The only advice i can give u is to mentally prepare to be hurt because it will all end in tears, ur man is being very selfish by not choosing between the two of u as is mine, in a way maybe we should be more strong and delete their numbers and erase them from our lives, easier said than done tho hey? Good luck xxx


        Yall sound like a bunch of HARD UP OLD HAGS, get your husbands, that’s a sin any way, don’t try and ease your consious with that, I lonely and I’ve tried BULL-SHIT, you ALL are a bunch WHOES, including HIM, so get a life, and stop with all the BULLSHIT

      • friendsonly

        HANNA GREEN: What a crock. You have obviously never been in this situation or you wouldn’t be blaming the female in such a harsh way. It is easier said than done from a bystander with lack of knowledge of a situation and very easy to criticize. I have been in a situation for about 9 months now where a married man has fallen in love with me. I didn’t know he was married until a month after we began talking, but to this day, I have stood my ground and have only remained strictly platonic friends with him because of the fact that .. HE’S MARRIED. He knows this and understands but has no intention of giving me up. He thinks I am his soul mate. At this point, he has 2 choices. He stays married and we stay friends or he gets divorced. He is well aware of what he has to do and until he man’s up and actually does it, I won’t cross that line with him. I honestly love him, as well, and thought he was just lusting at first but now I think differently. I am seeing someone else but would leave him in a heartbeat if my friend ever got a divorce. So that’s the bottom line. I don’t criticize women for falling for a married man, after all, they are the victim, not him. He’s the ass that is cheating!

      • Bonnie Thacker

        I agree with Hanna green 100% !!! Are you whores that unhappy with your life that you gotta mess with someone else life and that go’s for the man to !! If any bitch or my husband ever cheated I would beat both your asses and I would make sure I made both your life’s hell as long as I could .All of you hoes need to get a life all you are is the 2nd lady does that make you feel good..

    • CeCe

      Please leave him along, and go on with your life. I’ll. Know did it for 5year… wast of times years past by for me to fine love. This year I’m free of that bad married man.

  • itwasbicoastal

    Even tho there are cheaters from both sexes, it seems that men cheat more with single women. Can some married men chime in here and give us your prospective?

  • AllForLove

    Great article. I am currently having an affair with a married man and I would love to hear some insight. He and I met when we were 13 years old, we were each others “first real loves.” We went to high school together and freshman year, we almost had sex, but never did. We eventually decided to just be friends and we remained so for many years, sharing deepest secrets with one another, and helping each other through different stages in life. He eventually married and had 3 children, and I had a daughter. I met his wife when they were still dating and they both invited me to their wedding, although I declined. We lost touch for about 4 years. We recently reunited about 6 months ago. I had just gone through a horrific break-up, and I learned that his marriage was in shambles. We began talking daily, then daily turned into all day everyday! We hadn’t seen each other in years and for the first time in over 4 years, we finally resided in the same city again. He convinced me to meet up with him. He came to my place and I knew then that our connection had moved beyond that of just friends. He looked better than I remembered, we were both more mature, and more attracted to each other than ever before. We met up a few more times, and eventually the inevitable happened: after 17 years of friendship, we had sex. What’s worse, is the sex turned out to literally be the best sex I’ve ever had in my entire life! The emotional connection and the forbidden aspect of the affair added to the actual 4-star performance left me utterly weak. After the sex, I felt incredibly guilty as a woman, mother, etc. and vowed to never cross that line again. To make a long story short, we continued to have sex more frequently, exchanging “I love you’s”, going out on dates, visiting each other on lunch, and so on. I am still in medical school and my schedule is too demanding for a real relationship, so I’ve given myself some sort of rationale for this unthinkable behavior. I love him, I’ve loved him for 17 years, he was the first male I’ve ever loved, and I know that he sincerely loves me too, as our history dates back before this affair. He admits that he loves his wife, but says he’s no longer “in love” with her, they’re not compatible, and the only reason he is staying is for financial reasons and admittingly, fear. I know that this story has all the makings of a disaster, but I’ve never loved a man the way I love him, even before the affair. A part of me wants to inform his wife of what’s going on and put everything on the table and let the chips fall from there, even if that results in them repairing their relationship. I’m his friend first, and he is unhappy in their marriage, and as a result, participating in deception. Why not just put everything on the table?? Besides, I’m terrible at secrets and covert behaviors. I would never do this without his consent, but I know eventually, this will end badly for one of us anyway. So confused….any thoughts?